It's been a while since I have smiled. I am too tired of applying for a job, getting rejected, talking to recruiters, getting shut down by them, giving interviews, rescheduling them 100 times, waiting for the results, getting shut down again... and again... and again. And the cycle continues. As if this was not enough I am tired of my ever-threatening love life too. Life is never a walk in the park after all.
I always thought I was above average despite all my failures. I did fail but then always surprised everyone with amazing results later on. I always got the best job, best internship, top-notch school... everything had gone well so far. I must have failed innumerable times in life (flunked 20 interviews since March 2016. Hence proved). There have been times when I have wanted to give up... on everything.. be it my relationships, studying, coursework, exams. But something always made me hold the strings tight, something never let me quit, something told me to go one extra mile, showed me a ray of hope. But let's face it... that was a long time ago. I have never been afraid of failures and that I think was my strength. But now... one more failure and the pieces I am in right now will be powdered by a road-roller. I will never be able to gather myself; it is hard enough right now.
For today... I am totally let down by that 'something'. The ambition that brought me so far, that made me invest so much of money in myself, made me dream of the wonders of the world has vanished somewhere. I no more see the spark in me. I have lost all the willpower to succeed in life. Life has played its move and is waiting for me to play my next... or rather dodge the one it played. Frankly speaking, I have lost all the will to even play the game no more. I do not wish to face the wrath of life anymore. Everyone around me says I am turning negative... well... little do they know why.
My moods have changed greatly. I no longer want to talk to people for I only speak negative. When I read the word 'optimism' I do not understand what it means. I shout at every living thing because of stress. I obviously have given up on God too. I firmly believe he does not exist and cares shit about me at least. If he cared even a little bit my worries and fears would have ended a long time ago. I would have been happier if God existed. My roommates are worried about me. Yesterday, one of them looked at me and said, "I am afraid of you being so worried" and I did not know how to react. This coming from a girl who sees me only once every week owing to crazy schedules. I bet she thinks she will have to call 911 some day. Well, I think the same.
The only guy I have ever loved cares a fuck about me. He has been lying to me for the past 2 years. That has made me feel that my relationship was a sham. It was nothing more than an encounter to him while I was drowned in love. I recently discovered the plethora of lies he spoke under the pretext of 'not hurting me' and I feel disgusted. No kidding. No exaggeration. Unfortunately, I even know when he lies to me which makes it even worse. I have never been fond of liars and hence I am deeply hurt. Despite the fact that everything has ended between us I just did not want to feel betrayed. But now I do. I still wish for us to be together because that is what love is! The relationship has been rough since forever. I should have never taken him back... when he came back from Chicago, or from Atlanta, or from India, or just after every casual fight. I gave him opportunities... many of them... to hurt me...just adding to the list of my failures. And look where my love life has left me! My rock bottom has hit new depths. Now there is rock bottom, 10000 feet of crap, 100000000 feet of shit...and then me. There is no way out. There is no ray of hope. I could gather myself to write this blog purely because I took 3 anti-depressants before leaving for work. I could hardly think straight before that. June is going to be the worst month of my life... hands down. I will be shocked if I survive it.
They say 'Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.'... believe me... my shit is killing me. It might as well kill me literally. I hope I get out of this soon enough... till my next blog post. I have become strong enough now... however, it will be great if life does not try to push me down further or I might soon reach the core of the earth.
Current mood: Life is crap
Current thought: God/Higher power does not exist. Don't take any more anti-depressants.
Current song: Love the way you lie
I always thought I was above average despite all my failures. I did fail but then always surprised everyone with amazing results later on. I always got the best job, best internship, top-notch school... everything had gone well so far. I must have failed innumerable times in life (flunked 20 interviews since March 2016. Hence proved). There have been times when I have wanted to give up... on everything.. be it my relationships, studying, coursework, exams. But something always made me hold the strings tight, something never let me quit, something told me to go one extra mile, showed me a ray of hope. But let's face it... that was a long time ago. I have never been afraid of failures and that I think was my strength. But now... one more failure and the pieces I am in right now will be powdered by a road-roller. I will never be able to gather myself; it is hard enough right now.
For today... I am totally let down by that 'something'. The ambition that brought me so far, that made me invest so much of money in myself, made me dream of the wonders of the world has vanished somewhere. I no more see the spark in me. I have lost all the willpower to succeed in life. Life has played its move and is waiting for me to play my next... or rather dodge the one it played. Frankly speaking, I have lost all the will to even play the game no more. I do not wish to face the wrath of life anymore. Everyone around me says I am turning negative... well... little do they know why.
My moods have changed greatly. I no longer want to talk to people for I only speak negative. When I read the word 'optimism' I do not understand what it means. I shout at every living thing because of stress. I obviously have given up on God too. I firmly believe he does not exist and cares shit about me at least. If he cared even a little bit my worries and fears would have ended a long time ago. I would have been happier if God existed. My roommates are worried about me. Yesterday, one of them looked at me and said, "I am afraid of you being so worried" and I did not know how to react. This coming from a girl who sees me only once every week owing to crazy schedules. I bet she thinks she will have to call 911 some day. Well, I think the same.
The only guy I have ever loved cares a fuck about me. He has been lying to me for the past 2 years. That has made me feel that my relationship was a sham. It was nothing more than an encounter to him while I was drowned in love. I recently discovered the plethora of lies he spoke under the pretext of 'not hurting me' and I feel disgusted. No kidding. No exaggeration. Unfortunately, I even know when he lies to me which makes it even worse. I have never been fond of liars and hence I am deeply hurt. Despite the fact that everything has ended between us I just did not want to feel betrayed. But now I do. I still wish for us to be together because that is what love is! The relationship has been rough since forever. I should have never taken him back... when he came back from Chicago, or from Atlanta, or from India, or just after every casual fight. I gave him opportunities... many of them... to hurt me...just adding to the list of my failures. And look where my love life has left me! My rock bottom has hit new depths. Now there is rock bottom, 10000 feet of crap, 100000000 feet of shit...and then me. There is no way out. There is no ray of hope. I could gather myself to write this blog purely because I took 3 anti-depressants before leaving for work. I could hardly think straight before that. June is going to be the worst month of my life... hands down. I will be shocked if I survive it.
They say 'Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.'... believe me... my shit is killing me. It might as well kill me literally. I hope I get out of this soon enough... till my next blog post. I have become strong enough now... however, it will be great if life does not try to push me down further or I might soon reach the core of the earth.
Current mood: Life is crap
Current thought: God/Higher power does not exist. Don't take any more anti-depressants.
Current song: Love the way you lie
