Cryptic Rants - 1 - Life right now...

It’s been more than a year now… for a lot of things. It just seems like yesterday that I moved to Seattle. I have successfully completed the first year of my Master’s program. However, with no full-time in hand.

I am still high on hopes and everything is pretty hunky dory with my new on-campus job (which BTW I love a lot). I do games and IT stuff for the Athletics department of my school and it is uber fun for me to do so.

Nike did not convert… I am still pretty bummed about it for I <3 Nike. But I guess it will be fine soon. I am pretty confident about that.

Love-life sucks as usual. I realized it isn’t important right now or rather never was. I have always given importance to unnecessary things in life and continue to do so. Does not make sense… it never made.

New apartment and roomies are lovely. After last year’s amazing (read: horrifying, scary and ridiculous) experience I have decided to shell out double the money I could afford and rent a room for myself with firangs. Yes, you are right... I stay with firangs now and spend ridiculous amount of money for peace of mind and peace in general. I thought it would be a good idea and investment since this would be my last year to do so.

My mom’s been behind me for the whole marriage thing. Apparently the words ‘26’ and ‘Single’ do not really go together. I saw ‘Bride and Prejudice’ yesterday to amuse myself. Though there were a few moments when I laughed out loud I realized my mom might soon turn into Mrs. Bakshi who is in constant search of a rich husband for all of her daughters.

I suddenly realized I am not a romantic. I never was. I am too straight-forward than I thought I was. I like gifts, yes, everyone loves them. But, none can win me with those. That’s not me. I don’t treasure things like I should – memories, gifts, and rings… whatever.

I have come to a point where I realized I won’t be sad if someone leaves me (the time has come… almost). I will be super sad and annoyed and depressed and might even have a nervous breakdown. But life will move on.

So a part of my brain says ‘This is it!’ and the second part of my brain says ‘Life will go on’… So I am not really sure what life is going to be like post October. The truth is I don’t want to know. I cannot think of my life post this phase. How I wish nothing changes!

On the courses front I have just gotten 1 of my courses. I have not been able to get seats in the other 2 which is frustrating. I ought to make a lot of decisions about courses now. My internship did not work out for this quarter and so ‘Money matters’ are going to be featured in a lot of the diary logs.

As for money I ran out of it long time ago. Waiting for the 10^th when I can finally start affording food again.

Adios for now.

Of the hijack

I know I am writing after almost a year…. But I’ve been busy and sad. I am extremely determined to complete this blog post before I touch my stolen chicken wings.

Just a moment ago I was thinking of something I said to someone I loved. We were definitely special for each other (or so I think!). We spent every moment with each other (over the distance) and loved it. We knew it was going to end and things were going to change. I knew nothing was going to work out. My ‘forceful, possessive, intense, passionate’ self would not let me give up (I am an ass). I never ever wanted to let go off him, let go off the thoughts, let go off whatever little we had.

But somehow I knew he was going to leave…that he wasn’t made for me… that we were not meant to be with each other… that I was going to have a very tough time giving him up. So once, after being angry with this ‘thoughtful’ part of my brain I picked up the call and said “So I know you are looking for someone special and I know we cannot be together. I think I take a lot of space in your life, like a whole lot. I have hijacked your life. So what say we stop this and go back to our lives… and live a real life?” He said I was being stupid and this wasn’t a reason to stop talking.

This memory came back to me a minute ago for no reason. I was thinking if I was right then or if I am right now. I am wondering if someone can become so important for you (or vice versa) that you do not have a spot for anyone else. I have seen that happening. Sometimes to accommodate someone you gotta move.

I wonder if someone can hijack your life so badly that you do not have time to think about anyone else!

I wonder if someone means so much to you that life without that ‘someone’ is meaningless!

And the worst part is that you may or may not end up with this fascinating person.

I don’t know. Life is weird. But I always wonder… if someone is not going to end up with you why would you meet him/her? For experiences, lessons or a great time!?

In the end… I think I just cannot let go.

Wiser on the run

It was a sunny Seattle morning and my last one in Seattle. I am going to be in Beaverton for a while now (hopefully). 3 months at the headquarters and I will be back to my gloomy world.

While I was trying to figure out where to keep my carry-on luggage in the train I noticed her. She was pretty and old, her eyes spoke volumes about her suffering, her body language screamed fear, and her elegance stood out. I know I am no psychologist, but her body language was readable. She looked at me and said ‘Hi’ with a broad yet faded smile. We started talking.

We spoke at length about how we take decisions in life, our relationships (failed and current) and her marriage and mine. She lived the life I fantasized for a vacation and I lived hers. She was living in a shell, engulfed by her drunkard husband. And I always thought I was living in mine. She never had kids and asked me about mine. I said ‘sure’! Having kids is a ‘must-do’ for us anyway. I quickly calculated her age and mine and realized she was exactly my mother’s age!

I have been searching answers to my own questions lately. She answered mine. She asked me to wait. We take a lot of decisions to achieve some stability in life – emotional, physical, financial or mental. Parking decisions seems not to be an option in a lot of situations. But she asked me to wait. And I found that to be a better idea than jumping guns. I thought what if we all waited to take decisions?

What if I did not get married to a guy for my emotional security? What if I did not care about money and gave up the job I disliked? What if I waited on my relationship and not give up on it? What if I decided to live alone all my life and not care about what the world had to say about it?

Every word of hers made me wiser. Her voice deepened as she spoke. She regretted her decisions in life and so did I. Well, I have been regretting a few decisions already. I am sure all of us do. What is a life without regrets?

We reached our destination in no time. She was sad about the fact that she would go back to her fearful life in an hour. I was sad to have let her go back to her life. We hoped our paths crossed again. We decided we would see how life has changed between this train ride and the next.

How I wish I could keep her with me! Her kids would have been very lucky…