Sometimes I wish I could....

                      

Sometimes I feel so blessed to have had you around in the past…

Sometimes I feel so loved when I think about the moments we have spent..

Sometimes I yearn for you.. for your presence.. for your touch..for your memories.

Yet sometimes I feel good about us not talking..

about us not being 'US' anymore..

I know we would have made a lovely couple.. I would have kept you happy..

But I would not have let YOU be YOU..

I am so sorry to have made your life so difficult…and the future would have been darker.

I wish I could change.. but that is my love, my dear love.

And my love would have never set you free..

I wish you could understand!

I wish you could forgive me!

I wish you could give me another chance!

I wish we were together!

I wish I could love you more!

Where is the love?!

She opened her eyes. Her journey was far from over. She had fallen asleep amidst the travel sickness and tears. She checked her phone. No message from him. She knew this was a big decision that she had taken. She had promised herself that this would be her last attempt to save the relationship. Family was an obstacle. But he was more important to her than anything else. She had made a decision of visiting him despite the issues. She wanted him in her life.

She reached the bus stand. He had not come to pick her up. She reached the hotel. She wore his favorite dress and his favorite perfume. She dressed up just the way he liked her. 'One last time' she thought. She left to meet him. He knew she would be in the city but he had not made any attempts to get in touch with her.

She called him. He answered. They decided to meet for coffee at a nearby CCD. She spotted him on her way to the coffee shop. She called him. They met. No hugs, no kisses..just a plain 'Hello' with a broken smile. They walked together. The beauty of every moment they spent together had disappeared. She had asked the coffee shop manager to reserve their favorite coffee table for them and had pre-ordered their favorites. Their eyes met for the first time after months. She had the same sparkle in her eyes. Sadly, he seemed distant. They spoke about him - cricket, friends, photos and life. He did not enquire about her. She felt the distance. He was about to leave but she wanted to extend the date. She asked him for a movie. He obliged.

They went to the movie hall. She met her friends. She had come to meet only him and so she had told none. She wanted to flaunt him. He used to be her trophy but today she found him a couple of yards away looking into his phone. He seemed lost. She got the hint. They saw a foreign movie. She did not understand the language. He took all the pains to translate every line to her. She felt the closeness. She held his hand. He did not reciprocate. She was shattered. Her heart was broken into a million pieces. Yet, she was sitting next to him and hence she wanted to savour the moment. She wanted the movie to go forever.

He asked her out for dinner after the movie. They went to their favorite restaurant. She loved the ambiance there. He loved the food. They placed the same order as they always did - Roti, bhindi ki sabzi and Raita. They ate from the same plate. She wished what people said came true - 'Jhootha khaane se pyaar badhta hai.' Nothing seemed to help her pyaar here. It was only deteriorating day by day.

He volunteered to drop her to the hotel after dinner. It was a long ride. It was late at night and the roads were empty. The moon was in it's full glory. The road was lit by the moon-light alone. There was a chill in the air. She sat close to him. She hugged him from behind - like old times. She knew this was heaven - him, her and the moonlight. She wanted life to stop there. Not for once did she think about the complications, the ambitions, the fights...just nothing. It was just him and her and that beautiful moment. She held him tight. She felt this would be their last ride together.

They reached the hotel. Everything had gone well but she knew this was not enough to get him back. She stood quiet and waited for him to speak. He asked, "Why did you come here? We were not talking for a reason." She said, "I know. But i did not want to lose you" and tears rolled on her cheeks. They had fallen in love but they had no future. 2 states does not always succeed. He had decided to stop talking to her - for her good. She listened to him. She never argued with him. His decisions were always obeyed.
He said,"You know it is not going to work out. You should have thought about this before traveling so far." She said, "I love you". He said nothing. Her heart broke. All he said was, "This is the last time we have met." He did this for her. He did this because he knew she would suffer the most if this relationship continued. But he had no alternative than breaking up with her. She cried. He knew he had lost a big chunk of his heart that day. He knew she would make his life more beautiful. But he had no choice. His family came first and he could not betray their trust. They hugged one last time. He left.

She woke up with a heavy head once again. She had slept off crying as usual. She received a call from the travel agency. Her bus back home was right on time and shall pick her up in an hour. She packed her bags and left...never to come back again.

Ganpati Bappa Morya!

I woke up in the morning repenting my decision of not making it home for Ganesh Chaturthi this year (like last year). I was more sad because of being away from my cousins this year too. Every year we would all gather together and celebrate Ganpati. It is, kinda, a very big festival for us since we are maharashtrians. I was missing all my cousins since quite some time. The feeling of 'missing' them was intense because of the Ganpati.

Every year all 5 of us (cousins) would decorate the living room (my cousins would do the most part) with flowers, ribbons etc. Decoration would be unique every year (creative minds you see). During lunches we would pass on our jalebis to each other (cuz none of us liked Jalebis) and not to forget moti-choor ke laddoo. The first Aarti would be the biggest one. At least one of us would be in the bathroom when the Aarti would begin (struggling to get ready). Aarti would happen twice every day along with AtharvaShirsha. A sense of peace would seep in. It felt purified all of a sudden. A sense of support would be felt. I have always loved that feeling.

But today morning was different. I woke up all alone with a phone call. My colleagues were expecting my help for making rangoli (they actually think i can do that). So i woke up and got ready at Blitz Krieg speed and rushed to office. I started coloring the petals with different varieties of violet. I was just cribbing about the mismatch of colors when the phone rang.

It was my brother. He said, "We are in a conference. I am joining your call." I was delighted to hear all the voices when the call was joined. All of us stay continents away from each other and so the time difference has never allowed us to make a conference call all this time. I was the happiest. It was all 5 of us on the call. Actually 6. My cousin's fiance joined in too! We chatted along for an hour (while i was still coloring the petals violet). My day was made. I wonder how God knew what I wanted!

Life is always like that. Life loves to surprise you but for that...you should give life a chance to surprise you. You generally get what you want (ofcourse if God wants to give you that). Today, I realized how one phone call can change your life; can make your life beautiful; can make you happy.

This is the best gift I could ask Ganpati Bappa for! (ofcourse I have a lot to ask Ganpati Bappa for.. but.... for now.. venda!)
Ganpati Bappa Morya!
- feeling Blessed.

A letter to Akhila...

Dear Akhila,

Hope this letter finds you happy and beautiful as you are. I know this letter has taken you by surprise. I was very estatic to meet you. Unfortunately, that is not possible now. I take this letter as an opportunity to share my life with you.

I know you must have always wondered about my existence. I am Sorry to have abandoned you the way I did. I should not have. But i was naive and I was just 18 years old when I conceived you. That moment of passion was a mistake and it should not have happened. But 'love is blind' they say. You are the very first love of my life. That was my first year away from home and I just wanted to break free. I know I committed a big mistake. I am Sorry I could not be your mother. I am Sorry I could not give you the life that i wished to give you.

I heard about your grades from your foster parents. I am such a proud mother today. I am sure your parents must be used to such proud moments by now. I saw a lot of trophies lined up at your deck when I visited you some time ago. You were visiting your grandparents then. Your father was beaming with pride when he told me about your achievements in the field of sports. You have got that from your birth father, dear Akhila. He was a national-level athlete too. We loved each other a lot and we loved you even more. But we were a very young couple and incapable of handling ourselves. Hence, we decided to put you up for adoption. We could not have taken care of you the way your foster parents have. They have provided you with all the luxuries and raised you to become a wonderful lady.

A word of caution for you, Akhila. Do not be afraid to fall in love but be practical. Do not lose control. Don't be afraid to make mistakes but may every mistake be sensible. Make new mistakes every day. Learn from each one of them. Make sure none suffers because of your mistakes, not even you. Take risks but not with a life. Akhila, do not make the mistake I made. I do not say you were a mistake...but giving you up for a better future was one.

I want to see you getting married, my dear daughter. I want to see you in the red lehenga that I send you with this letter. Hope you get married to the right guy. Take your time to fall in love but always fall in love with the right person. Have kids, raise them and see them grow. Let them be who they want to be. Set life free and it will take beautiful turns.

Always remember one thing - none has the right to treat you the wrong way. None has the right to touch you inappropriately - not even your father. Always know your rights and duties, Akhila. I know your parents have raised you well. You are a very beautiful lady. I want you to be strong too. Be strong enough to raise a voice against injustice. Be strong enough to support yourself and your family when required.  Always stand for your family. Family is one thing you must cherish forever. Stand tall in every adversity because nothing in life is permanent.

I want to tell you something about myself too. You have all the right to know your birth Mother. Your parents told me that you knew you were adopted, though they never wanted to reveal it to you. You never asked about me. After you were born we gave you up for adoption. Your foster parents volunteered. Me and your birth father were very choosy about the couple whom we would give you up to. Your foster parents fitted in all the criteria perfectly. Me and your birth father were madly in love with each other. Unfortunately, he passed away in an accident and I was left with tears and memories of you and him. I graduated, got a job, got married and conceived 2 beautiful children. Despite all this I have never spent a day without thinking about you. I never wanted you be aware of my existence, simply because i thought you would despise me. There was no reason for me to enter your life after all this time.

I am extremely grateful to your parents for letting me pen down this letter to you. This might be my last letter ever. Not because I do not wish to write letters to you anymore but because I cannot.  I might be no more by the time this letter reaches you. My cancer has reached the last stage and getting in touch with you was my last wish. I want to tell you that I have missed you all my life; that I am extremely Sorry to have left you the way I did; that I love you a lot. I hope you forgive me for this.

P.S: Your parents are wonderful. I love you a lot.

P.S Parents: Thank you for letting me write. And Thank you for raising Your daughter so wonderfully.

Lots of love and blessings,
Yours lovingly,
Mom. :)