Sab Moh Maya hai!

It was an unusual morning. I had unexpectedly scored exceptionally well in a test that I thought I would flunk in (worth mentioning because it is a miracle!). I had sneezed 20 times more than I usually do. Everything was unusual about the situation – the place (my much unpredicted trip to Mumbai), the time (3 AM in the morning), the weather (very cold; something that I never get to experience). I was abnormally laid back about my early morning flight; as if I did not care. My bag was not packed and I had no idea about what I had pack either. It is so not me I thought. I always flip out when I am slated to travel. But today, I wanted life to take its course.

We left at 4, well past the time we should have. We were supposed to discuss all serious things on the way to the airport. My family always takes the pain to drop me off to the airport and waits till I check in, be it any time of the day. It was 4 am and the discussion started. The lists were refined. Our thoughts aligned for the first time. I could not believe it simply because I and my parents never thought on the same lines. None of us would ever compromise on anything. And it was never about ego. Ego does not really exist in my family. It has always been about views – different minds different ideas. So we reached a consensus. And everything was resolved. I was happy that they were happy. My happiness never matters to me. I always want my family to be happy. Period.

The last month had been terrible for me personally. I was forced to take a lot of decisions – all of which were desperate. I wonder how my brain thinks! Evenings were detested for a reason. I spent hours on phone – all crying. My parents were worried. Everyone questioned my impulsive decisions. None supported. I know my decisions were a little haywire. But then I just wanted to realize my dreams. And I was dying a little every time they disagreed. My dream is the only thing I want right now. This very sudden trip to Mumbai was only to make peace, to let my parents know that (howmuchever I go bonkers) I am still theirs.

I checked in and swiftly moved around the airport. I am so used to this place I thought. I can never get lost at this huge airport. My brain starts churning and thinks brilliantly every time I visit that place. I should have taken all my exams at the airport. Who knows I would have aced every one of them! It is as if I belong there. I thought of shopping for some time (yes, the airport is a shopping paradise) but the boarding had already started. I checked in at foursquare, tweeted on twitter and hopped on to the bus that led us the plane. Early morning flights are lovely (courtesy: free breakfast). I never liked the service of this particular airline though (because of the not-so-good-looking hostess and the way they handle luggage) but what the heck! They serve the best breakfast! (I actually dream about their food!). So I comfortably took my seat, made a small talk to the Saudi based south Indian seated beside me (one always sits beside me BTW) and got so engrossed in the movie that I did not even realize that the plane had taken off. I did not even realize the jerk (and that was not because of the pilot's efficiency) but because a) I had grown used to it or b) I had lost all my senses.

And it struck me…how much I am used to the pleasures of my life (unfortunately all of which are expensive!). Frequent flying, chauffeur driven cars, visiting the best restaurants in the city, staying at the best places, buying the most expensive things impulsively – all have become an integral part of life. I realized how material-driven life can be. But a Gucci bag can make us happy just once. You grow over every pleasure of life and sooner or later forget its significance. Maybe that’s when you should destroy the desire. But I guess everyone is neck-deep into the material world already. Everyone wears brands, every kid wants the best of the toys, every girl wants a diamond, every man wants a Roland…and the list is endless. Personally, I am drowned. And I see no signs of recovering either.

I wonder if material pleasure means happiness! It certainly means a lot though. The pleasure is way over-rated; is rated well over happiness. I am not really sure why the world has turned materialistic- competition maybe or societal pressure. Because Mr. Singh has a BMW Mr. Chaddha will buy an Audi! Everyone believes in ‘If you’ve got it…Flaunt it!’. I have realized that this kinda attitude is difficult to be destroyed and is inherited too. ‘Man is greedy’ and we have to accept it. The greed has taken over man and it rules. The desire is so strong that none can really beat it. It has become the way of life and soon it shall drive life. Or maybe it already does. We earn so that we can buy things to flaunt and we try to earn more so that we can buy costlier things the next time. It is a vicious cycle or even worse a ‘Maya jaal’ kinda thing from the story books. A bigger car, lip gloss that shall make your lips fuller, foundation with sheen…sab moh-maya hai! ‘Simple living and high thinking’ said someone zillion years ago. I wonder if it holds true now! As I was trying to define ‘simple’ the pilot spoke in his supremely sensuous voice. I have never paid attention to announcements but today his voice forced me to. We had landed and sunny weather awaited me. I thought of peeping into the cockpit while leaving just to see if the voice and personality matched. But ‘All that glitters is not gold’ stands true for me on every occasion. So I politely left wishing the hostess hoping that my luggage has not been man-handled this time.

Aarushi... A Rockstar

She held a ‘blue blazer’ at school. She was the prettiest and the brightest amongst all. She was passionate about dance and led a dance troupe, ‘Awesome Foursome’, with her friends. She was ambitious and wanted to be ‘famous’. She wished to follow her parents’ footsteps and become a doctor one day. Like any other teen her life revolved around her friends and the internet. She loved her life and her last orkut status said the same. She was like every teenager around – active and playful. Her teachers said she had a very bright future. Her friends loved her. She was an ardent reader and was halfway through the ‘3 mistakes of my life’. But little did she know that she would not be able to learn about all the 3 mistakes that the author made.

‘She’ was ‘Aarushi’ and she was found dead the next morning by her dentist parents. Her wish to be famous should not have been fulfilled this way. The Talwars’ domestic live-in cook was held responsible for the murder. But a day later, his body was found on the terrace of the Talwar residence and the story received its first twist. The evidences, circumstantial evidences, assumptions, reports, verdicts kept on changing and it took four and a half years for the final verdict to be out.

The story had endless twists and turns.
The entire country was divided – Those for Talwar parents, and those against them. The numerous candle light vigils, prayers, faith in judiciary all bore fruit on November 25 when the verdict was out. The Talwars were sentenced life imprisonment for killing their only daughter.

‘Honor Killing’ they said. And yet there are those who believe truth has not been told.

For the entire four and half years the media made a point to publish every piece of literature that they ever found on the case. The investigators were pressurized. The reports were changed. The case was closed and re-opened. A few suspects were put behind bars and then released again for lack of evidence. A lot of things were covered up at first and then brought to light later. The media covered it all. Going by the circumstantial evidence, testimony of witnesses and forensic reports.
Aarushi’s parents were held guilty of her murder. The justice after five years only to be accompanied by an air of terrifying uncertainty. Could the parents, the victim’s family, be the culprits?

We wanted justice for Aarushi like everyone else but not based on circumstantial evidence. Even the CBI has agreed that there was little ‘direct evidence’. It looks like a case of ‘high profile honour killing’ on the outside but when you probe a little deeper you shall understand that there is more to it. Finally, the blame game has come to an end and now Aarushi can finally rest in peace.

Can she?

Aarushi was an adorable child and she would have grown up to become a very beautiful lady. At 14 she was ambitious, loved her life and knew how to live her life fully. Nupur Talwar had once said that she would have loved to live her school life like Aarushi did. Aarushi was adorable but what happened to her was very unfortunate. Going by the confident ‘rockstar’ that she was in school she would definitely not be pleased to be remembered as a ‘victim’. Let us remember Aarushi as the way she was… A Rockstar.

                                

A story I was not prepared for...

Our friend has taken a Big Leap and assisted the Director of Thira. We all planned, unplanned, canceled, planned again and made it to the theatre. It was a late night show but still was well-received. Somehow I was not really bothered about the pending work and making it to work the next morning.  A lot of our friends were watching it for the second time. As usual, I was the only non-mallu in the gang. The fact that Thira is a malyalam movie didn’t matter much since a large part of the movie is in hindi/English.

The movie started off fast paced. It was exhilarating right from the first scene. The director did not really believe on building up the movie, which I found awesome. The plot revolves around Shobhana and Dhyan’s search for the missing girls. The flow of the story is logical and amazing. The movie keeps you at the edge of your seat totally.

But I realized I was not at all prepared to see the building up scenes of the movie. When I was younger I consciously avoided every scene that would even remotely depress me. I, somehow, cannot see anything horror, obnoxious, sad or anything that is demeaning to women. Maybe that or I don’t have the guts to face the harsh reality of life (most probable reason). Dhyan, the hero, goes to a factory and manages to find 2 girls who are captivated in the basement (Cannot describe the scene since I closed my eyes after seeing the first shot). He manages to free those 2. I wanted Dhyan to go and search and free the other girls who might have been captivated in that factory too! After all it was such a BIG factory. My mind was screaming at him to go and search for others. As the movie progressed my mind was still stuck in the dungeon scene and wondering what the girls must have gone through. Though it was just a movie and the asst.director was right beside me (to clear my never-ending doubts) I had completely drowned in the incidence that the scene portrayed.

A few scenes later, Shobhana and Dhyan find pieces of clothes with messages written ‘Help Me’, ‘Call my dad’ etc. I was immediately reminded of the bedtime stories my Grandpa told. ‘The escape of a girl from her kidnappers’ was my favorite. He obliged to all my multiple requests of reciting me the same story. Now I understood why. That story was probably his way of educating me and my brother of what should be done in such situations. Probably, the girls who wrote messages on clothes also had heard the story. I secretly wished all of their messages were read earlier and they all were safe in the shadows of their family.

                                                    

Towards the end of the movie, we realized that the kidnapped girls were actually going to be a part of a ‘party’. The who ’s who of the industry were to be present and they actually had the privilege of selecting girls they wanted to spend the night with (read: assault/molest)  on a very hi-tech iPad. The scene sent a chill down my spine. There was alcohol, handcuffs, ropes and what not to please the honchos.  Probably there was everything that would make the night wild and worthwhile for them. Before I realized I had freaked out. Such scenes were shown earlier in different movies too but today I saw them with a different perspective. I was thinking about the million girls who go through all this all over the world; girls who lose their innocence before they even know; girls who lose their innocence before they even realize.

Even if these scenes were just an integral part of the movie such things do make headlines and are often forgotten over a period of time. ‘Human Trafficking’ is prevalent. There are people in this world who equate ‘girls’ with ‘toys’. We have to accept the fact that people see us as an ‘object of pleasure’ many a times. And the threat is not always external. Daughters have been raped by their fathers, girlfriends have been molested by their boyfriends, wives have been forced by their husbands and the list goes on. Today, I wonder if being vigilant is enough for some circumstances cannot be avoided.

                                      

The end of the movie was all happy and I was relieved. All the girls were rescued. The movie dealt with the topic very well. And this was the first movie of this kind that I saw. But the topic dwelled in my mind long enough to pen this down. I wish I were a SuperWoman and could do something about it! I wish all of us were SuperWomen and could put an end to the unjust done towards us all over the world! I hope that day comes soon when the devils become lesser stone-hearted and do not see women only as an object of pleasure; when they think about the heart inside instead of just staring at the chest. Waiting for that day. God Speed.

What kind are you?

It was 3 pm and the AC was in full swing. My eyelids were heavier than they were a minute ago. I glanced at the monitor every once a while to assure myself that this too shall pass. I tried to speak up in between so that my lead thought I was paying enough attention (which I was clearly not). My mind was full asleep and I could have fallen flat on my face any moment. Suddenly she said, “I know you can do it. You know everything”. And I lost all my sleep. The ‘Knowledge Transfer’ session was over and I was expected to know ‘everything’. I looked at my colleagues and realized they were totally excited about the new project. I opened my eyes and looked around. My workplace suddenly seemed categorized:

1.  The ‘You know everything’ people – All bosses, leads, senior professionals fall under this category. This category enjoys the freedom and frequent opportunities to say ‘You know everything’ to all the people working with them. The other sentences that they use is ‘You can do it.’, ‘Ask me if you have any doubts’ etc. But when you actually have doubts they are too ‘busy’ to help you out. They make you feel like a Superman before they give you a critical task. People wear ‘Superman’ T-shirts but sometimes you feel like wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I am not a Superman’. Additionally, they have all the authority to levy additional responsibilities on you (can be personal too). But you have to be in good books of this category because they have full control of your career.

2. The Blessed – Some people are just blessed with whatever skills. A few ones are always in demand. If you have knowledge you can show off. The first category fights to hire people from this category. People from this category are super blessed to be never out of work. They earn all the perks, accolades, love, and compensatory offs (the most important). They can demand anything from the first category and believe me, they get it. They can make the first category dance to their tunes. They are not really worried about their appraisals and feedbacks because they know they are wanted. Basically, they rule.

3. The Butterflies – There was a saying ‘Jack of all trades but Master of none’. Well, people from this category are the Masters of all trades. The above saying does not hold true for them. The people from this category are everywhere and they are good at whatever. The guy can be an award-winning employee and win a modeling contest too! These people are social butterflies and hence are omnipresent. They know everyone and everyone knows them. They are demi-celebrities. You can easily recognize people from this category because they can be seen wherever you go.

4. The resources – A chunk of the employees fall in this category. The people from this category generally come to work before the working hours begin and work till forever. They seldom take breaks and are always tensed. They easily fall prey to all the ‘important tasks to be accomplished over the weekend’. They worship work. ‘Fun’ is a far-fetched dream for them. They are the ‘nice people’ who never complain. ‘The more the merrier’ is what they think about work. They adhere to all the deadlines and they are the only ones who take clients seriously. The people from category 1 need people from this category. This category secretly wishes to be like category 3 and is envious of category 2.

The ‘other’ people: GrandPa

GrandPa...

I reached the station. It was not as crowded as I thought it would be. I started looking out for him. I thought I would see him on the bridge, but could not find him. I went to the place where I saw him last but no luck. He was an almost 70 year old Grandpa; will not call him a beggar. I saw him for the first time 5 years ago. He was sitting on the station with his entire luggage. He surely did not look like a beggar to me. I thought he was waiting for a train and hence passed him off as just another passenger. He caught my attention a few days later after I saw him sitting at the same place.

I always wondered what brought him here, the reason of his loneliness, if he was thrown out by his own son and hence had nowhere to go. Every time I decided to go and talk to him something stopped me. Probably I had no guts to ask him his story or did not have the heart to. I was too afraid to listen to his side of the story. I gave him a part of my pocket money every time I saw him. But today I could not find him and I wondered where he had disappeared – shifted to some other station, found a new home or the worse…was no more.

I was wondering if I could have changed his life if I had mustered a little courage to talk to him; if I could have increased his life span if he was no more; if I could have helped him in any way. But I was helpless myself and had no capacity or courage or whatever. I did help him in whatever way I could but could have done no more.

This made me wonder how selfish we can be; selfish and self-centered. There are a lot of ‘other people’ who need our attention. There are moments in our lives when we shed tears for things like a laptop, better television, money or ‘that’ guy. But those tears are such a waste of time. One selfless act can change a life. If not ours, someone else’s. But lives can be changed. All we have to do is make an effort to go out there and do our bit for the less fortunate; make the world a better place to live in.

Sometimes I wish I could....

                      

Sometimes I feel so blessed to have had you around in the past…

Sometimes I feel so loved when I think about the moments we have spent..

Sometimes I yearn for you.. for your presence.. for your touch..for your memories.

Yet sometimes I feel good about us not talking..

about us not being 'US' anymore..

I know we would have made a lovely couple.. I would have kept you happy..

But I would not have let YOU be YOU..

I am so sorry to have made your life so difficult…and the future would have been darker.

I wish I could change.. but that is my love, my dear love.

And my love would have never set you free..

I wish you could understand!

I wish you could forgive me!

I wish you could give me another chance!

I wish we were together!

I wish I could love you more!

Where is the love?!

She opened her eyes. Her journey was far from over. She had fallen asleep amidst the travel sickness and tears. She checked her phone. No message from him. She knew this was a big decision that she had taken. She had promised herself that this would be her last attempt to save the relationship. Family was an obstacle. But he was more important to her than anything else. She had made a decision of visiting him despite the issues. She wanted him in her life.

She reached the bus stand. He had not come to pick her up. She reached the hotel. She wore his favorite dress and his favorite perfume. She dressed up just the way he liked her. 'One last time' she thought. She left to meet him. He knew she would be in the city but he had not made any attempts to get in touch with her.

She called him. He answered. They decided to meet for coffee at a nearby CCD. She spotted him on her way to the coffee shop. She called him. They met. No hugs, no kisses..just a plain 'Hello' with a broken smile. They walked together. The beauty of every moment they spent together had disappeared. She had asked the coffee shop manager to reserve their favorite coffee table for them and had pre-ordered their favorites. Their eyes met for the first time after months. She had the same sparkle in her eyes. Sadly, he seemed distant. They spoke about him - cricket, friends, photos and life. He did not enquire about her. She felt the distance. He was about to leave but she wanted to extend the date. She asked him for a movie. He obliged.

They went to the movie hall. She met her friends. She had come to meet only him and so she had told none. She wanted to flaunt him. He used to be her trophy but today she found him a couple of yards away looking into his phone. He seemed lost. She got the hint. They saw a foreign movie. She did not understand the language. He took all the pains to translate every line to her. She felt the closeness. She held his hand. He did not reciprocate. She was shattered. Her heart was broken into a million pieces. Yet, she was sitting next to him and hence she wanted to savour the moment. She wanted the movie to go forever.

He asked her out for dinner after the movie. They went to their favorite restaurant. She loved the ambiance there. He loved the food. They placed the same order as they always did - Roti, bhindi ki sabzi and Raita. They ate from the same plate. She wished what people said came true - 'Jhootha khaane se pyaar badhta hai.' Nothing seemed to help her pyaar here. It was only deteriorating day by day.

He volunteered to drop her to the hotel after dinner. It was a long ride. It was late at night and the roads were empty. The moon was in it's full glory. The road was lit by the moon-light alone. There was a chill in the air. She sat close to him. She hugged him from behind - like old times. She knew this was heaven - him, her and the moonlight. She wanted life to stop there. Not for once did she think about the complications, the ambitions, the fights...just nothing. It was just him and her and that beautiful moment. She held him tight. She felt this would be their last ride together.

They reached the hotel. Everything had gone well but she knew this was not enough to get him back. She stood quiet and waited for him to speak. He asked, "Why did you come here? We were not talking for a reason." She said, "I know. But i did not want to lose you" and tears rolled on her cheeks. They had fallen in love but they had no future. 2 states does not always succeed. He had decided to stop talking to her - for her good. She listened to him. She never argued with him. His decisions were always obeyed.
He said,"You know it is not going to work out. You should have thought about this before traveling so far." She said, "I love you". He said nothing. Her heart broke. All he said was, "This is the last time we have met." He did this for her. He did this because he knew she would suffer the most if this relationship continued. But he had no alternative than breaking up with her. She cried. He knew he had lost a big chunk of his heart that day. He knew she would make his life more beautiful. But he had no choice. His family came first and he could not betray their trust. They hugged one last time. He left.

She woke up with a heavy head once again. She had slept off crying as usual. She received a call from the travel agency. Her bus back home was right on time and shall pick her up in an hour. She packed her bags and left...never to come back again.

Ganpati Bappa Morya!

I woke up in the morning repenting my decision of not making it home for Ganesh Chaturthi this year (like last year). I was more sad because of being away from my cousins this year too. Every year we would all gather together and celebrate Ganpati. It is, kinda, a very big festival for us since we are maharashtrians. I was missing all my cousins since quite some time. The feeling of 'missing' them was intense because of the Ganpati.

Every year all 5 of us (cousins) would decorate the living room (my cousins would do the most part) with flowers, ribbons etc. Decoration would be unique every year (creative minds you see). During lunches we would pass on our jalebis to each other (cuz none of us liked Jalebis) and not to forget moti-choor ke laddoo. The first Aarti would be the biggest one. At least one of us would be in the bathroom when the Aarti would begin (struggling to get ready). Aarti would happen twice every day along with AtharvaShirsha. A sense of peace would seep in. It felt purified all of a sudden. A sense of support would be felt. I have always loved that feeling.

But today morning was different. I woke up all alone with a phone call. My colleagues were expecting my help for making rangoli (they actually think i can do that). So i woke up and got ready at Blitz Krieg speed and rushed to office. I started coloring the petals with different varieties of violet. I was just cribbing about the mismatch of colors when the phone rang.

It was my brother. He said, "We are in a conference. I am joining your call." I was delighted to hear all the voices when the call was joined. All of us stay continents away from each other and so the time difference has never allowed us to make a conference call all this time. I was the happiest. It was all 5 of us on the call. Actually 6. My cousin's fiance joined in too! We chatted along for an hour (while i was still coloring the petals violet). My day was made. I wonder how God knew what I wanted!

Life is always like that. Life loves to surprise you but for that...you should give life a chance to surprise you. You generally get what you want (ofcourse if God wants to give you that). Today, I realized how one phone call can change your life; can make your life beautiful; can make you happy.

This is the best gift I could ask Ganpati Bappa for! (ofcourse I have a lot to ask Ganpati Bappa for.. but.... for now.. venda!)
Ganpati Bappa Morya!
- feeling Blessed.

A letter to Akhila...

Dear Akhila,

Hope this letter finds you happy and beautiful as you are. I know this letter has taken you by surprise. I was very estatic to meet you. Unfortunately, that is not possible now. I take this letter as an opportunity to share my life with you.

I know you must have always wondered about my existence. I am Sorry to have abandoned you the way I did. I should not have. But i was naive and I was just 18 years old when I conceived you. That moment of passion was a mistake and it should not have happened. But 'love is blind' they say. You are the very first love of my life. That was my first year away from home and I just wanted to break free. I know I committed a big mistake. I am Sorry I could not be your mother. I am Sorry I could not give you the life that i wished to give you.

I heard about your grades from your foster parents. I am such a proud mother today. I am sure your parents must be used to such proud moments by now. I saw a lot of trophies lined up at your deck when I visited you some time ago. You were visiting your grandparents then. Your father was beaming with pride when he told me about your achievements in the field of sports. You have got that from your birth father, dear Akhila. He was a national-level athlete too. We loved each other a lot and we loved you even more. But we were a very young couple and incapable of handling ourselves. Hence, we decided to put you up for adoption. We could not have taken care of you the way your foster parents have. They have provided you with all the luxuries and raised you to become a wonderful lady.

A word of caution for you, Akhila. Do not be afraid to fall in love but be practical. Do not lose control. Don't be afraid to make mistakes but may every mistake be sensible. Make new mistakes every day. Learn from each one of them. Make sure none suffers because of your mistakes, not even you. Take risks but not with a life. Akhila, do not make the mistake I made. I do not say you were a mistake...but giving you up for a better future was one.

I want to see you getting married, my dear daughter. I want to see you in the red lehenga that I send you with this letter. Hope you get married to the right guy. Take your time to fall in love but always fall in love with the right person. Have kids, raise them and see them grow. Let them be who they want to be. Set life free and it will take beautiful turns.

Always remember one thing - none has the right to treat you the wrong way. None has the right to touch you inappropriately - not even your father. Always know your rights and duties, Akhila. I know your parents have raised you well. You are a very beautiful lady. I want you to be strong too. Be strong enough to raise a voice against injustice. Be strong enough to support yourself and your family when required.  Always stand for your family. Family is one thing you must cherish forever. Stand tall in every adversity because nothing in life is permanent.

I want to tell you something about myself too. You have all the right to know your birth Mother. Your parents told me that you knew you were adopted, though they never wanted to reveal it to you. You never asked about me. After you were born we gave you up for adoption. Your foster parents volunteered. Me and your birth father were very choosy about the couple whom we would give you up to. Your foster parents fitted in all the criteria perfectly. Me and your birth father were madly in love with each other. Unfortunately, he passed away in an accident and I was left with tears and memories of you and him. I graduated, got a job, got married and conceived 2 beautiful children. Despite all this I have never spent a day without thinking about you. I never wanted you be aware of my existence, simply because i thought you would despise me. There was no reason for me to enter your life after all this time.

I am extremely grateful to your parents for letting me pen down this letter to you. This might be my last letter ever. Not because I do not wish to write letters to you anymore but because I cannot.  I might be no more by the time this letter reaches you. My cancer has reached the last stage and getting in touch with you was my last wish. I want to tell you that I have missed you all my life; that I am extremely Sorry to have left you the way I did; that I love you a lot. I hope you forgive me for this.

P.S: Your parents are wonderful. I love you a lot.

P.S Parents: Thank you for letting me write. And Thank you for raising Your daughter so wonderfully.

Lots of love and blessings,
Yours lovingly,
Mom. :)

My Sibling... My Life...

So you are this sweet little kid and a Princess for your parents. You are their love, their soul and everything else. Their world revolves around you. Your wish is their command. Every word you speak is iterated and re-iterated (the first word you ever spoke, the first time you said ‘ma’ and ‘baba’ etc). Your parents adjust their sleeping schedules according to yours (and you never have a sleeping schedule). Toys, teddy bear, clothes etc. everything belongs to you. Parents are ‘yours and only yours’. You rule the world.
All of a sudden your world turns upside down. Your parents bring home a sweet little kid. You think of him as a guest at first but he refuses to go. Slowly, the kid wears your clothes, plays with your toys and your parents adjust their sleeping schedules according to his. His presence is celebrated. You feel a little neglected and your life changes.

Eventually you start liking this kid. People around you say he is your ‘brother’. Something called as ‘belongingness’ seeps in. You enjoy his company. You play together. He irritates you at times but you learn to adjust. You fight for every little thing on this earth. You oppose things just because he supports them. After a certain period of time the sibling rivalry ceases to exist.  Life starts rolling amidst this chaos.
One day, while you are trying to keep awake in a boring lecture you see a kid crying outside the class. It’s your brother. You excuse yourself from the class and go to see him. He tells you his teacher threw him out of the class because he refused to stop talking to his bench-partner. You request the teacher to allow your younger brother to attend the lecture but she refuses. So the entire 4th grade witnesses a 7th grader almost arguing with their class teacher for the sake of her brother. The teacher finally gives in. For you, your sibling can never be wrong; at least not in front of a 100 people and their class teacher. You grow extremely protective of your sibling. The bottom line remains ‘Only I can fight with my brother. You lay a finger on him and you die.’

You reserve your chocolates for him and he does the same. You plan his birthday in a big way and so does he. You share your secrets and even your pocket money. You are his ‘other and reliable’ source of income. His happiness matters the most to you.

The bond grows stronger with time and the love is unconditional. This is one bond that can be taken for granted come what may. The bond that every sibling is proud of. A sibling is the best gift your parents can ever give you.

Turning 18

I was visiting my cousins and we all decided to watch a late night movie. My younger cousins looked unusually happy and excited during the movie. After the movie ended we went to a CCD (only a coffee could get rid of the headache that the movie gave). Their grin grew even wider. I wondered why small kids would be so elated sipping hot chocolate a little post-midnight while I was dying to finish off the over-priced coffee and go home to retire. I crashed as soon as we reached home. Just then my younger cousins said, “Let’s have a night out. It is almost morning anyway.” My reaction was definitely not a pleasant one to which they said, ”We can have a night out only with you and none else ”. So, a couple of ghost stories welcomed the sun that morning.

“I had a night-out yesterday” might definitely be a fashion statement for kids. Turn 18 and it becomes a regular thing for you. Start working and the most fashionable and pleasant statement is “I slept last night” (because work might not always allow you to have a good night’s sleep). Keeping awake till 2 am is a sense of freedom for kids. Turn 18 and that might be the usual time for you to sleep.

18 brings a sense of freedom to life; sense of ultimate and endless freedom. You get the right to vote, the right to buy a property (though we might have the money for that), to have a boy-friend/girl-friend (or the plural of the same), to move out of the house (mostly done for educational purposes only), to consume alcohol and to smoke (Hell yeah! That sounds cool) and even to get married (not for people who love their independence). 18 is the age when we get experimental in every aspect- highlights, newer haircuts, tattoos and piercings. Late-night parties, alcohol, bigger friend-circles, cigarettes, drugs, spouses, intimacy (in some cases) become every day events. Your parents trust you with the money now and they expect you to learn and handle your own finances. 18 is the age when you think of the word ‘career’ seriously for the first time. Every kid has one bhaiyya/didi that they look up to and whom they find ‘cool’. When you turn 18 you get a chance to become that bhaiyya/didi. 

              

18 is the age when you jump from a lake(junior college) to a sea(degree college). I am sure everyone out there has experienced that major shift in culture then. You are suddenly exposed to the outside world and the change is over-whelming. Life is flattery. Suddenly, some unknown people become the most important people in your life. ‘Relationships’ change every now and then while the ‘Relationship status’ changes more often. We all make a lot of mistakes but believe me you shall laugh about most of them later.

But with great power comes great responsibility. 18 is the age when you can make or break your lives. It takes a great deal of determination to keep away from all the wrong things that you come across (you are no more a ‘juvenile’ for the court). It is upto you to live your life on your own terms and follow your own rules (or not follow any). You are not only given the freedom to take your own decisions but also be responsible for the consequences. If things go wrong you are the one to be blamed (going to ‘that’ party, having that extra peg of vodka, taking semesters lightly etc.). Your security is your responsibility (especially after you drink or do drugs). Everything in moderation is beautiful and everything in extreme is harmful. 18 brings a great deal a freedom but a greater deal of responsibility. You need to realize all the responsibilities and duties in order to be that ‘cool bhaiyya/didi’ that kids can look up to and parents can feel proud of.

Turning 18 is exciting but then so is turning 21 and turning 60. A senior citizen has much more discounts, right? My sincere request to all the kids below 18 is not to dream about becoming adults and enjoy their childhood and to so-called adults above 18 is to be responsible and wise. Just remember, deciding which chocolate to eat is much better than deciding what career is better for you.

Women in IT – Of codes, builds and bugs!

“Please let’s go home now. Just log off.” I told him. The cab was waiting for us downstairs. It was well past 12 am. He did not pay heed to my frustrations and continued working. We left the cubicle only to realize that were not the only ones working late. Many were struggling with codes, builds and bugs. The next day our Team Lead was very pleased with the ‘Good Job’ that we had done. She politely asked me to follow her to her cubicle. I thought the bug that I created the other day was going to fetch me some serious music but I was wrong. All she said was, “Always remember you are a girl. Working late is okay while you are still single but all this shall be impossible for you once you have a family. Always get your priorities right”. That came as a shock to me. I had been working late since quite some time and she knew. Later I realized she was right. Working late has become a culture off late everywhere. And it is a bad one for the long run.

Life is relatively easy when you are a singleton in the IT industry. You can focus on work without any disturbances since you are just on your own. I wonder if colleagues can be best friends. There are limitations everywhere. Also, after a certain period of time all singletons experience the parental pressure to get married and get settled. Going on-site, accepting work opportunities abroad etc. for a woman is not as easy as it is for a man. On-site work opportunity makes the groom-hunt difficult as not many husbands are in favor of their wives staying abroad for a span of 2-3 years. Being single makes you vulnerable to many things. You have an increased work pressure and managers take you for granted since you have no family around and hence no responsibilities.

Diary of a Family Man: Get up. Work. Come back. Eat. Sleep.

Diary of a Family Woman: Get up. Get kids ready. Tiffins. Work. Come back. Make dinner. Take care of in-laws. Homework for kids. Household chores. Eat. Sleep. Women always have a longer list of ‘things to do’. The diary is fatter if you are married. You have to be a super woman in order to handle life this way.

I see a lot of ‘family women’ managing the situations and pressures every day. Kids, husbands, in-laws, families, teams, managers, work, calls…it is not easy to do everything all at the same time. You have to cope with a lot of pressures if you are married. Also, every minute has to be utilized effectively so that you get enough time and breaks for other personal matters. Many companies provide with day-care facilities for children of their employees. Working ladies can be rest assured that their children are taken care off in those cases. Many companies also have dormitories for pregnant ladies so that they get enough rest amidst working hours. Pregnant ladies also get a lot of privileges (they can break the queues!). But that is it. You still have to work, attend all meetings, calls and manage your teams.

Apart from this we also have one more obstacle in the rat race we commit ourselves to – harassment.  The ‘odd working hours’ culture makes you vulnerable to a lot of unwanted elements. ‘Sexually colored’ remarks, lewd comments, offensive statements or even casual flirting at work can create a hostile environment for a woman. If the culture of a company is not free enough it might be difficult for a woman to handle such situations. The new law passed by Indian parliament would not really help. Many companies have their own version of anti-harassment laws (we all know the Phaneesh Murthy case.) It is upto the woman herself to take the matters in her own hands and report such incidences. Anonymity is maintained and harassment cases are handled with utmost care. But the scars of such incidences take a long time to heal.

                 

The IT industry is, undoubtedly, glamorous. The independence, money, parties, experience and opportunities are all worth it. But it takes a lot for a woman to survive in IT than it takes for a man. The field is not gender-biased and everyone gets equal opportunities purely based on merit. No quotas, no special treatments and every individual is treated as equal. Maybe a relaxed job would have been better but I would never have been able to enjoy the life as I do now. It is the thrill that I look forward to. Life should be challenging. After spending a year in IT I think it is just perfect for me. 

         

Tips!! Tips!!

You get up and smell bed tea. You find your clothes neatly washed and ironed on every occasion. Your breakfast is ready on the table. Your tiffin box is packed. Meals are always served hot. Your parents call you all the time to make sure you are fine. Your family takes utmost care of you when you fall ill. Your parents fulfill all your desires like a genie. Life is easy.

We all are like pearls and parents are our shells. We are oblivious of the outer world. The shell breaks open so that the world admires the beauty of the pearl. The pearl has a tough time then. Once you move out of your parents’ home the world is your oyster. New friends, new place, new culture, new people, new food, new language….you have to adapt and adjust to every little thing that you once took for granted. You have to make your own bed tea and breakfast, wash your own clothes, prepare lunch for yourself and even repair everything that breaks down. From your work to getting rid of cockroaches and lizards…you are responsible for everything. Life is not so easy.

                                    

Here are a few essential tips for survival that a pearl should keep in mind:

1.       Life is beautiful. Live every moment. Do whatever you want to. You get to live every moment only once.

2.       It is better to do a thing and realize that it was a mistake rather than not doing it at all. Don’t give yourself a chance to regret.

3.       Never do a thing if you have second thoughts about it. There is a difference between having second thoughts and getting confused.

4.       Your roomies are your best pals. They know you better than anyone else. They are your constant source of energy and entertainment.

5.       The person who has been rude to you once might not be rude to you in the future. Everything is situational.

6.       Don’t let mood swings affect you. You might miss on beautiful opportunities because of that.

7.       Take up a hobby. Everyone needs some time pass. ‘Idle mind is a devil’s workshop’, remember that.

8.       Be nice to everyone. Make friends. Socialize. There is no harm in going to some random people and initiating a conversation.

9.       Always save for a rainy day.

10.   Time heals everything. Give time some time.

11.   LET GO. Don’t worry about people who don’t want to keep in touch. They don’t deserve that. Worry about people who want you.

12.   Don’t give undeserving people the attention they don’t deserve.

13.   You don’t need to be perfect all the time. (You can go to hypermarket in your pajamas. :p) Perfection is boring. Learning is fun.

14.   Never compare your problems with others. Every person has his own share of problems.

15.   Don’t share your problems with everybody. Some people are only glad to see you suffer. Don’t trust everybody. Once a betrayer always a betrayer.

16.   Everything in life is new. So don’t be scared to try your hand at things you have never heard of. In fact, new is fun.

17.   Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Always ask.

18.   Make mistakes. Commit blunders. Learn. Don’t repeat them. Make new mistakes every time.

19.   People who b*tch to you about others also b*tch about you to others. Remember that. Stay away. You don’t want people to gossip about your problems, do you?

20.   Wherever you are your parents are your best support system. They have solutions to all the problems. And they are always just a call away.

Happy Anniversary to Me!!

So.. this day.. last year.. I finally took a flight to ‘not exactly my dream destination’, Trivandrum. I was clueless about life. I was ready to face life when the flight took off. I had the ‘bring it on’ attitude. I landed and everything shattered. I was put up in an almost haunted hotel. We had a tough time house-hunting. I was looking for all the wrong things at all the wrong places. Life was off-track and I did not know how to handle it.

We settled in pretty well and pretty fast. Slowly we realized we were happier than our peers from other DCs. We did not travel much to work and our apartments were/are beautiful. We made a lot of friends. It was essential to make and maintain relations because all of us were in the same boat. None had anyone here and none had anywhere else to go. We were totally on our own. We were too far from our parents for any kind of interference. Life started by visiting every decent restaurant in the vicinity. We watched every movie (somehow all turned out to be flops). A list of ‘places to visit’ was made (which is still pending). Life started rolling!

                              

Professionally, it was roller-coaster ride. On bench or on project it was all luck. My projects changed every time I crossed the Trivandrum border. My changing project code was/is still a subject of amusement among my friends. Thankfully I have been blessed with good managers *touchwood* and good team-mates. Responsibilities came in. I was glad. I learnt. I made blunders but God blessed. This year might have been the most fulfilling year of my life professionally. I actually ‘worked’ some times.

                                              

Personally, I messed up at every level - from not being able to take decisions to not being able to maintain relationships. Keeping in touch with friends was not really a problem back in Mumbai. Here, I can tell you a handful of friends whom I manage to keep in touch with. Life changes but priorities don’t. Thank God for whatsapp groups. People have come and gone in the past 1 year. Those who wanted to stay have taken efforts to stay(and vice versa). I have definitely learnt a hell lot of things about relationships this year. More than I thought I ever will. I had come to a point of a nervous breakdown maybe. But God has been kind.

One more thing that I have learnt in the past year is ‘letting go’. Sometimes we just need to accept the fact that some relations cannot be maintained. People change with time and their priorities change ever faster. I have let go off a lot of things this year – from people to my beloved BlackBerry (P.S: Letting go BB still hurts every time I see my stupid phone).  I have cried over every ‘letting go’ incidence. But life moves on. Excluding a few people every person in your life is replaceable. If you don’t want to be replaced you have to put in efforts to be placed in the ‘cannot live without’ category. This is the brutal and bitter truth of life.

                                          

Money wise – Life is in an even bigger mess. Somehow my savings account is still empty. I managed to save more money in college than I did here. People who think Trivandrum is cheap please come and try. I hate the Money manager SMSes that I receive every weekend. My bank loves to remind me that I ‘over-spend’ in every category and that I am ‘living beyond my means’ since forever!  I love the dialog my elder’s always say, “Appya, Tuza pagaar kiti tu boltey kiti!!” :p (Translation: Look at your salary and look how much you speak!)

Finally, the important lessons that I have learnt in the past one year:

1.        Life is beautiful. Live every moment. Do whatever you want to. You get to live every moment only once.

2.       Your roomies are your best pals.

3.       The person who is rude to you once might not be rude to you in the future.

4.       Don’t let mood swings affect you.

5.       Take up a hobby. Everyone needs some time pass.

6.       Be nice to everyone. Make friends. Socialize. There is no harm in going to some random people and initiating a conversation.

7.       Every time you feel lonely go to your room-mates. They are your constant source of energy and entertainment.

8.       Always save for a rainy day.

9.       Time heals everything. Give time some time.

10.   LET GO. Don’t worry about people who don’t want to keep in touch. They don’t deserve that. Worry about people who want you.

11.   Don’t give undeserving people the attention they don’t deserve.

12.   You don’t need to be perfect all the time. (You can go to marginfree hypermarket in your pajamas. :p)

13.   Never compare problems. Every person has his own share of problems.

14.   Everything in life is new. So don’t be scared to try your hand at things you have never heard of.

15.   Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Always ask.

16.   Make mistakes. Commit blunders. Learn.

17.   Discuss problems only with the people you trust. Trust people only when you are absolutely sure.

18.   People who b*tch to you about others also b*tch about you to others. Remember that. Stay away.

The thing that I have started doing recently is reading ‘Last Day emails’ (which I ctrl+shift+deleted earlier). Somehow these emails never made sense to me until I started featuring in them. People around me have been quitting. Life makes decisions on its own. We just have to go with the flow. That way we can beat our indecisiveness. Some people say you should take your own decisions; take charge, whatever. Some people say ‘Go with the flow’. We must follow any one of the two categories as and when the need arises.

Year 1 has finally come to an end. I hope I don’t write another anniversary post, same time, next year. Golden words as said by my manager (now an ex-infoscion): “Your first job and first location is always special for you.” And I am glad to say Trivandrum is and will always be special to me. Life has been beautiful. May God make this upcoming year even more beautiful. God-speed.

                                    

Trapped...

Champagne was flowing as the guests arrived. She looked beautiful. She was busy attending the guests. He glanced at her. She shivered. He was playing the perfect host to all. ‘He is a perfect devil too’ she thought. It was a happening party but she was afraid of what was in store for her later that night. She feared she would be bruised again.

                Ria was a wannabe model when she met Ishan. He fell for her instantly. They met often. Ishan promised Ria that he would make her a superstar and he did. He was powerful and that helped her career immensely. Ria fell for him. Ishan played the perfect gentleman around her. She was smitten. Love is blind. He proposed to her and they got married.

                Life was beautiful for the first few months but things changed soon. Ishan’s love for Ria turned into obsession. He did not allow her to keep in touch with the world. Her career came to a stand-still. She was in a house-arrest. She could not venture out without his body-guards. He had become too possessive about her. Soon, he became violent. She was abused for no reason. She was caged by her own love. She was now afraid of his presence. Ria wanted to live her life. She wanted to feel free again. She wanted to fly away. Her bruises were hidden by her sari and she wore a fake smile. But even make-up could not hide the scars she had on her mind. Ria wanted to live a safe life now. She loved him but she did not want him anymore.

                                                            

                Every once a while Ishan would resort to violence to prove his manhood and dominance. Ria was helpless. She could not run away. She could not defend herself. She was too afraid to go to the police. She knew that would make headlines. Every time Ria tried to escape Ishan made sure she learnt her lesson. She had to be treated in the hospital a couple of times for those lessons. She had no family. She thought of him as her life. But now she knew her life was in danger. The only way she had was to walk with him.

                Today was their 1^st Wedding Anniversary. Ishan’s father had got his date to the party. In his arms was a woman less than half his age. Ishan’s mother had passed away few years ago in mysterious circumstances. ‘Like father like son’ she thought. Ria did not want to end up like her mother-in-law. She knew she had to be strong. She knew she had to drift away from Ishan. She knew he loved her in his own evil ways. But his ways were too evil.

                It was a little past mid-night and the party was in full swing. Everyone was getting drunk. Ishan was drunk too. Ria was afraid that Ishan would create a scene again. He was infamous for that. She kept an eye on him. And the doorbell rang. It was the police. Someone from the neighborhood had complained about the noise. Ishan decided to take the matter in his own hands and went ahead to talk to the police. Ria feared he would mess things up with his aggressiveness. She followed.

                In a few minutes time the matter went out of hands. Ishan became aggressive. Abusing the police past mid-night, when drunk, cannot be good and well-received. Ishan became violent. He had gotten into a lot of fights recently. She apologized to the police on his behalf and tried to talk to Ishan.  But Ishan slapped Ria and pushed her. She fell on the ground with a thud. All this was in the middle of the road, in the presence of the police and guests peeping through the window. Her bruises were now exposed. Ria feared that her bedroom drama would now become public. She was made fun of by her own husband and the whole world witnessed. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She was rendered helpless again.

                Ishan lost his balance. He tried to get up. It was drizzling. Just a moment later a branch from the nearby tree fell on Ishan. He was trapped. They tried to rescue him but in vain. The injuries were too grave. Everyone was in a rude state of shock. The party came to a standstill. Ria could not help weeping. Ishan was no more.

                Ria wanted to move away from him but not this way. Ria wanted to see life with a new hope but not like this, not without Ishan. She loved him too much. Nevertheless, Ria had a faint smile on her face, a smile of no more bruises, a smile of no fear.

A walk to remember...

She couldn’t help checking the BBM updates. She waited for his message to arrive. They were going to meet up for the first time after the break-up. The long-distance had taken a toll or maybe the 5-year itch had. They had mutually broken up 2 months ago. She had handled herself pretty well. She wanted to see if he had done the same. Somehow she felt they’d get back together that evening. She hoped for that. It was past 6.30 PM and she had to catch a flight the next day. So she decided to make a call. He said he could not call since he was traveling and his cellphone was running low on battery. They decided to meet at their favorite place in 30 minutes time.

                She realized how badly she wanted to see him. 30 minutes is a meager time for a girl to get ready for a guy whom she still loves. They shouldn’t have parted ways she thought. She should’ve held him tight the way he held her – through thick and thin. She reached the place right on time. He was waiting already. The way he always did. She saw a silhouette of his. She knew it was him. One can recognize his/her love even in the death of the darkness she thought. They walked towards each other. No hugs, no hand-shakes… nothing. It was awkward. “You’re still the same” he said. “Likewise” she said.

                She had to shop for a couple of things so they walked towards the store. They went to a store and she gave the shop-keeper a list of things she wanted him to fetch. The store was too crowded. But all she could see was him. All of a sudden she said, “So, when are we getting back together?” Boy! She hadn’t thought she would ask him that so soon. But he tackled it well. He smirked and said, “Let’s see.”

                As they walked their hands brushed. He immediately apologized as if it was a crime. She had not expected this reaction. As they continued walking on the road, with heavy traffic around, she was constantly looking out for him. Somehow, she felt he was not the same guy she fell in love with years ago. He had changed. He did not care about her anymore. She felt more and more awkward as they walked.

                They visited the temple they always used to. This was the same temple where she had prayed with all her dedication and might because she wanted him badly. He was the only thing she had ever asked for in her life. “Let this relationship be the way you want it to be.” she prayed to God this time. They left. Her friend, who was supposed to pick her up, was caught up elsewhere. So she had to wait. That only meant more time to spend with him. She asked him if it was okay. They decided to see his best friend and eat pani-puri to pass away time.

                They walked on the same roads. They walked together. She was not afraid of people looking at them. She wanted to flaunt him the way she used to. He had been her trophy boyfriend all these years. She wanted to feel that belongingness again. She wanted him to feel that they still had a beautiful future ahead. She wanted him to feel that things could happen if he wanted them to happen.

                They went to a pani-puri center nearby. Every date started or ended with pani-puri for them. It was a custom they’d followed all these years. But unlike before, that day they were not afraid of being spotted together. Everything was over. No unconditional love, no relationship…nothing. They were just 2 people standing together trying not to act like strangers. That was the last time they were going to follow their custom. They had their last pani-puri together.

                They reached his best friend’s place. They spoke about our individual lives, work etc. But she did not pay attention. She was not in a mood to talk. She just wanted to hold hands with him. She wanted to shake him and ask what was wrong. She wanted to tell him that if he was playing a game with her it was a bad idea. But he did not feel the same way anymore. He was strong. He had moved on and the past was just another word for him. In a while her friend came to pick her up. She asked him if she could hug him one last time. He gave her a formal hug and she left. She did not have the guts to look behind and say wave him a final good-bye.

                The walk had said it all. She’d revisited their entire relationship in that one walk- from prayers to pani puri. She realized that she had been too adamant to let him go. But now she had to. He was no more into her. They were never going to be together. She’d always treasure him. The last walk had ended so had the relationship and so had her prayers. The final good-bye was done unknowingly.