Sleepless in Seattle - Part 9 - Of tinder and strange love

It was a lazy Sunday morning. I looked at my messed up life. He was on Tinder. Here, I sat in front of him and he cared a f$$k. So I packed my bags, did grocery and came home. After venting out my frustration on my best friend (who was brushing his teeth) I decided to make tea for myself. Like royalty... I sat on my bed tucked inside the comforter... sipping tea... and with all the love...downloaded Tinder.
I decided on one thing... Firang guys only! P.S: I am not being racist/sexist/country-ist here but I just decided to play the field. Obviously, I won't be able to date any men after I get married/committed. Since I have no future whatsoever why should I not? I carefully swiped left. I do not want creepy experiences and so swiped left at every remote hint of creepiness. Some of the bios were interesting. Finally, I really liked this guy and swiped right for him and guess what? It was a match! I immediately ran out and woke up my roommate for the 10th time since this morning. She explained to me what a 'match' actually meant. I mean.. he was an American... why would he 'right swipe' me? So I decided to tweak my bio a little bit and mention my country of origin. Never mind...I don't think that matters... I still got 4 more matches after that within 2 hours of downloading the app. Not to forget the 5 'Super likes' I received... the concept that I again had to learn from my roommate.
And then I saw 'him' on Tinder. And I wanted to right swipe for him (I don't need to mention that). But by mistake and my lack of education about Tinder, I swiped left!!! I was so devastated...but I guess it is fine. Not that I have a chance with him or I don't... I don't know if I do. He is being weird. He is still not clear about what he wants. I know why I am with him.. but... why is he with me? I have not been able to figure out what he wants. I am still waiting for... whatever.
Meanwhile, tinder feels so weird. It is surely not made for me. I am not even going to go for coffee or anything with any of my matches. Ain't happening! I guess I just wanted to get back at him. Love is strange and makes you do stupid things... and I am doing my strange bit.

Current mood: Wants to uninstall Tinder
Current thought: Wants to uninstall Tinder

Cryptic Rants - 1 - Life right now...

It’s been more than a year now… for a lot of things. It just seems like yesterday that I moved to Seattle. I have successfully completed the first year of my Master’s program. However, with no full-time in hand.

I am still high on hopes and everything is pretty hunky dory with my new on-campus job (which BTW I love a lot). I do games and IT stuff for the Athletics department of my school and it is uber fun for me to do so.

Nike did not convert… I am still pretty bummed about it for I <3 Nike. But I guess it will be fine soon. I am pretty confident about that.

Love-life sucks as usual. I realized it isn’t important right now or rather never was. I have always given importance to unnecessary things in life and continue to do so. Does not make sense… it never made.

New apartment and roomies are lovely. After last year’s amazing (read: horrifying, scary and ridiculous) experience I have decided to shell out double the money I could afford and rent a room for myself with firangs. Yes, you are right... I stay with firangs now and spend ridiculous amount of money for peace of mind and peace in general. I thought it would be a good idea and investment since this would be my last year to do so.

My mom’s been behind me for the whole marriage thing. Apparently the words ‘26’ and ‘Single’ do not really go together. I saw ‘Bride and Prejudice’ yesterday to amuse myself. Though there were a few moments when I laughed out loud I realized my mom might soon turn into Mrs. Bakshi who is in constant search of a rich husband for all of her daughters.

I suddenly realized I am not a romantic. I never was. I am too straight-forward than I thought I was. I like gifts, yes, everyone loves them. But, none can win me with those. That’s not me. I don’t treasure things like I should – memories, gifts, and rings… whatever.

I have come to a point where I realized I won’t be sad if someone leaves me (the time has come… almost). I will be super sad and annoyed and depressed and might even have a nervous breakdown. But life will move on.

So a part of my brain says ‘This is it!’ and the second part of my brain says ‘Life will go on’… So I am not really sure what life is going to be like post October. The truth is I don’t want to know. I cannot think of my life post this phase. How I wish nothing changes!

On the courses front I have just gotten 1 of my courses. I have not been able to get seats in the other 2 which is frustrating. I ought to make a lot of decisions about courses now. My internship did not work out for this quarter and so ‘Money matters’ are going to be featured in a lot of the diary logs.

As for money I ran out of it long time ago. Waiting for the 10^th when I can finally start affording food again.

Adios for now.

Of the hijack

I know I am writing after almost a year…. But I’ve been busy and sad. I am extremely determined to complete this blog post before I touch my stolen chicken wings.

Just a moment ago I was thinking of something I said to someone I loved. We were definitely special for each other (or so I think!). We spent every moment with each other (over the distance) and loved it. We knew it was going to end and things were going to change. I knew nothing was going to work out. My ‘forceful, possessive, intense, passionate’ self would not let me give up (I am an ass). I never ever wanted to let go off him, let go off the thoughts, let go off whatever little we had.

But somehow I knew he was going to leave…that he wasn’t made for me… that we were not meant to be with each other… that I was going to have a very tough time giving him up. So once, after being angry with this ‘thoughtful’ part of my brain I picked up the call and said “So I know you are looking for someone special and I know we cannot be together. I think I take a lot of space in your life, like a whole lot. I have hijacked your life. So what say we stop this and go back to our lives… and live a real life?” He said I was being stupid and this wasn’t a reason to stop talking.

This memory came back to me a minute ago for no reason. I was thinking if I was right then or if I am right now. I am wondering if someone can become so important for you (or vice versa) that you do not have a spot for anyone else. I have seen that happening. Sometimes to accommodate someone you gotta move.

I wonder if someone can hijack your life so badly that you do not have time to think about anyone else!

I wonder if someone means so much to you that life without that ‘someone’ is meaningless!

And the worst part is that you may or may not end up with this fascinating person.

I don’t know. Life is weird. But I always wonder… if someone is not going to end up with you why would you meet him/her? For experiences, lessons or a great time!?

In the end… I think I just cannot let go.

Wiser on the run

It was a sunny Seattle morning and my last one in Seattle. I am going to be in Beaverton for a while now (hopefully). 3 months at the headquarters and I will be back to my gloomy world.

While I was trying to figure out where to keep my carry-on luggage in the train I noticed her. She was pretty and old, her eyes spoke volumes about her suffering, her body language screamed fear, and her elegance stood out. I know I am no psychologist, but her body language was readable. She looked at me and said ‘Hi’ with a broad yet faded smile. We started talking.

We spoke at length about how we take decisions in life, our relationships (failed and current) and her marriage and mine. She lived the life I fantasized for a vacation and I lived hers. She was living in a shell, engulfed by her drunkard husband. And I always thought I was living in mine. She never had kids and asked me about mine. I said ‘sure’! Having kids is a ‘must-do’ for us anyway. I quickly calculated her age and mine and realized she was exactly my mother’s age!

I have been searching answers to my own questions lately. She answered mine. She asked me to wait. We take a lot of decisions to achieve some stability in life – emotional, physical, financial or mental. Parking decisions seems not to be an option in a lot of situations. But she asked me to wait. And I found that to be a better idea than jumping guns. I thought what if we all waited to take decisions?

What if I did not get married to a guy for my emotional security? What if I did not care about money and gave up the job I disliked? What if I waited on my relationship and not give up on it? What if I decided to live alone all my life and not care about what the world had to say about it?

Every word of hers made me wiser. Her voice deepened as she spoke. She regretted her decisions in life and so did I. Well, I have been regretting a few decisions already. I am sure all of us do. What is a life without regrets?

We reached our destination in no time. She was sad about the fact that she would go back to her fearful life in an hour. I was sad to have let her go back to her life. We hoped our paths crossed again. We decided we would see how life has changed between this train ride and the next.

How I wish I could keep her with me! Her kids would have been very lucky…

How casual can you get?

Every day a new kind of relationship is invented. From marriage to relationship to affair to now casual relationship we can see relationships getting weaker. Marriage, a supposedly strong bond, comes with a warranty period too these days. I have taken special interest in ‘casual relationships’ though.

To correctly define the term ‘casual relationship’ google helped me. A casual relationship is a pure sexual relationship in which both the partners are in it only to satisfy their physical needs. It is much more than a one-night stand (it is in fact a series of it) and much lesser than a full-blown relationship. The partners have an amicable agreement of their own terms and conditions. They usually know each other and are friends/acquaintances before they enter such an arrangement. The relationship works perfectly well…err…till one of the partner falls in love.

The casual relationship comes with a lot of complications despite the amicable agreement!! Generally, the partners tend to spend a lot of time and share things together. As a result they become used to having each other around at times of trouble and advice. Generally, one partner is more dependent on the other for his/her needs. In such a scenario the lesser dependent partner has an upper hand in the relationship and the relationship is at his/her disposal. Also, the more submissive partner might go to any lengths to make the relationship work because he/she needs it more (or so he/she thinks!).

They say there is no room for jealousy and belongingness in a casual relationship. I find that very odd though. I do not know how belongingness can be kept away from a sexual relationship. It would be hurtful if a casual relationship partner gives more preference to someone else of the opposite gender (maybe applicable only to women). Jealousy and possessiveness are too difficult to separate; though that can happen with time.

Once the casual relationship reaches a dead end (always in a matter of months) it can be difficult for the partners to hang around each other since it might get awkward. Since in maximum cases they already know each other it can be a little hard. Also, the partners usually have to recover from the relationship all by themselves since very few people apart from them know about this relationship. People do not wish to divulge about such relationships to other friends because of a variety of embarrassment, worry about others being judgmental etc. Also, both the partners are worried about falling in love! There is a thin line between ‘no strings attached’ and ‘strings attached’. And the thin line fades off pretty soon.

They say it all goes bad in the woman’s head. Well, it does. A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin. Women produce more of this hormone which makes them more vulnerable to fall in love with the guy they had sex with. Unfortunately, the release of oxytocin is not dependent on whether the guy is right or wrong. Whether you are cuddling with the love of your life or with your casual relationship partner the hormone makes you put down your guards. This is also a reason why you feel bad even when a short term relationship ends.

 I never thought of this ‘chemical lochya’ until recently. Life is too short to think and judge and decide what is right or wrong. It is better to regret about something you did and failed at rather than regretting about something you wanted to do but did not. Such kind of a relationship is rampant and I would be shocked if anyone has not come across one yet. Attractions happen all the time. You meet new people and like them. But it is not possible for us to fall in love with everyone so someone found a mid-way. We never know whether a relationship is right or wrong. But the thing that we know for sure is that relationships are losing their strength. The levels of a relationship are stepping down and I want to know how casual can it get?

Current mood: Sleepy

Current song: Zubeidaa title track

Current mood: Kya aap close-up kartey hai? 

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 5 - Life is Timeless

It’s been a long week… and the irony is I am just done with Tuesday. I feel super exhausted and the mid-term has not even arrived yet. My bed is messy and so is my calendar. I have no clue what to give priority to – love, money, readings, assignments, coursework, job or … life. Life’s been so busy that I haven’t had time to… well… take care of my ‘pratarvidhi’ well.

Just yesterday when I was running in between course and money I learnt about something happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t even have time to *be happy* about it. Weird but true. I suddenly realized… we do miss out on a lot of things just because we don’t *have* time. Those small things, those moments, moments of lust, moments of pure love, moments of laughter, moments of…you know… But such is time, right? You never know what you’ve lost until you realize that you really wanted it. There is going to be a time when you come face to face with whatever you have lost because you had no time – a really sweet girlfriend, an opportunity that didn’t seem like one earlier, a relationship, an offer…just everything. In such time of opportunities can one really have everything?

I remember reading this quote somewhere –

“Time is like a handful of sand- the tighter you grasp it, the faster it runs through your fingers”

 Never knew what it meant until now. I’ve been trying to catch up with everything but have failed literally. It’s really not possible to be everywhere I guess and multi-tasking cannot mean being omnipresent. An attempt to be omnipresent is just an attempt to grasp the sand…tighter. I think it is just time to sit back and not to believe in the song ‘Everything at Once’. The best thing we can do is to hold time, brace ourselves and go with the flow; enjoy whatever comes our way. Sometimes the best plan is to go with the flow.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 3 - Expectations strike again!

Love/Like/Friendship à Expectations à Frustration and Pain à Mind f***d.

Life feels so scary and apprehensive at times. I feel bound to a set of ‘Things to do’ these days. I have realized that a diary can help me out greatly. But I cannot write my emotional to-do in a calendar, can I?

I’ve thought time and again about the part of my life which has been sabotaged by expectations. I have a really unfortunate habit of expecting great deals out of people, especially the ones I like. Naturally, it is not wrong to expect a little out of people. But there is a very thin line between the two – little expectations and going overboard. And then the definition of ‘thin’ differs from people to people. ‘Fat is the new thin’ for me but for some ‘thin ceases to exist’.

Priorities kill Expectations. I failed to understand the relation earlier. Now I do. ‘Priority’ is the new excuse in town. ‘I did not do this because I had a different priority’ suddenly made super sense to me when I heard the usage a couple of times over a couple of days. I wonder if ‘friends/relatives/spouse/crushes’ fit in ‘priority’ or is it strictly ‘personal’? I guess priorities are influenced by personal choices. Suddenly a thing that would have been the last thing you would do on earth becomes a priority to avoid an expectation. Can happen! Happened to me!

Anyway, expectation is a curse for sure…the curse that has made me the Queen of Mood Swings. I’ve finally decided not to expect anything or at least to lessen expectations from life. I should realize life is not here to serve me whatever I want in a platter. That is one thing life never does. I have learnt this the hard way…still learning…

Mood: Disappointed and Sad.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 2 - Back Back Back!

It was a perfectly beautiful day and I was having a not so perfect time… career counseling myself. I was trying not to look into my phone for any Whatsapps that could help kill a few minutes from the most important seminar of my life. My phone vibrated unnaturally and so I looked into it. It was already unlocked and the messenger was open. Never knew what my palms could do without thinking. It was him…

I was pretty amused that my deeply hidden messenger opened automatically and the window was his...all this in the most important hour of my day. The messages suddenly felt good. I realized I was sort of yearning to talk to him for a while.

We ended up on a bad note for me and a good one for him. It was neither a relationship nor friendship. I realized I looked up to him. I was naïve and was looking for someone to show me the right path…and he did. You don’t need to be in a relationship to learn things from someone…in fact you don’t even need to be friends with someone. People who are meant to come into your life just walk in and out of your life at the right time. He was one of those.

There is always one guy in everyone’s life who they want to go back to…not literally…not even virtually...neither temporarily nor permanently…just for some time. This guy is always there when you need help, advice, support and anything else that you need. That is not his full time job but maybe he doesn't mind it. He is sort of….your career counselor…who takes care of your emotions, problems and everything else when you are in deep shit. Maybe a Life Mentor! He is the answer to all the questions and solution to all doubts. You don’t need to talk to him all the time…just at the time of need is enough. This low maintenance relationship (I don’t know what to call it) sustains on absolute no-talks. A simple ‘Hi’ from someone is re-assuring and sometimes even a long talk with someone feels fake. There is a certain comfort and re-assurance in a ‘Hi. I am busy.’ It’s funny how some people touch your life so much and so beautifully in a very little time.

I don’t know what such relationships are called. It’s definitely not love. Whatever, it is… feels good.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 1 - Of faith and hope...

 

So I arrive in this beautiful city…flying from over Dubai, Baghdad, Greenland and what not…half-drunk (partly to recover the flight ticket and partly following orders). The immigration, customs, wifi was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The jet-lag asked too much of me. And so did my phone connection. I started my house-hunt right from the 1^st day of the week. Struggled all the way along. Walked like never before…saw unusual things…tried hard to do away my thoughts of going back.

There comes a day in everyone’s life when he/she wants to go back to the pavilion. That day came into my life right in the 1^st week of my Seattle Life. I had no house, no job, no money… nothing at all. I cribbed about it to a friend…and he helped just his few words. It’s like someone is always there to watch your back. We just need to have faith. And when you lose faith God makes sure that faith is reaffirmed. We all need something to keep us going. One quote, one man, one friend, one thought, one situation… just one thing. And then the dwindling thoughts are just a passé.

Fortunately, the thought of going back has never entered ever since.*touchwood* But I suddenly have full faith in faith. Faith…hope...belief…whatever you call it… that is what keeps the life going. J

Life’s good.

You can find the reasons for my re-affirmed faith below. J

Is Monogamy too much to ask for?

It was late evening and I was surfing the idiot box. Suddenly I saw this all new talk show hosted by someone from the film industry. The guest was one of the famous soap movie directors. The movie director spoke about everything other than his movies and for the first time made sense to me. I was stumped with what he ended his talk with. It went something like this…

“Everybody cheats. Everybody who gets an opportunity cheats. Of course, you can expect people from remote parts of the country like from Leh and Ladakh to be faithful because they don’t meet anybody. But here, where people meet interesting people all the time, infidelity exists rampantly.”

I’ve been watching SATC lately and hence I know…in some part of the world monogamy rarely exists but still something like this in a country like ours took me by surprise. Then I decided to open my eyes a little wider.

My mom started talking to me about a not-so-comfortable-topic ‘Relationships’. Then I asked her about a family-friend of ours about whom she thought I had forgotten. Apparently the latest developments were devastating. The Mr. and Mrs. were married for 28 years…. And… there was another Mrs. for the past 25 years about whom the Mrs. No 1 was not aware of. The Mrs. No. 1 would not have learnt about the relationship ever if not for constant phone calls on their recent foreign trip.

When I look around I see infidelity at our age all the time - people two-timing people, one-night stands, casual relationships (the new trend) and what not. I wonder where all this is taking us in terms of the faithfulness part. Will Monogamy slowly disappear? Is it wrong for you to ask your partner not to look out for pleasure from other sources? Where would such couples stand in terms of trust, security, faithfulness and dedication on a scale of 1 to 10?

The opportunities in today’s world are great. We meet new and awesome people all the time; more awesome than the ones waiting for us at home for dinner. But it’s all in the moment. The bigger picture has to be looked after. There might be moments with someone new all the time but we have to know what the bigger picture requires us to do and if the new fling fits in it. Some say cheating partners make better husbands/father because of the guilt pangs. But it tosses trust, faithfulness and everything else in the dustbin. Some people cheat just for the rush of it but according to me there is more rush in togetherness and the emotional bonding that you have with your spouse. Sometimes emptiness, unhappiness, insecurity and loneliness makes a person enter into another relationship. In this case it is best to talk to your partner about your feelings.

Maybe emotional availability is what is required to make a relationship stronger. Also, we should make sure that the level of attention which we give our partners should not lessen. It’s difficult taken our careers and busy schedules but I suppose this is what it takes to be *together*. I hope monogamy survives this difficult phase because I want it to exist by the time my imaginary ring becomes a real one. 

The Un-Marry-able ones…

It was a rainy day and I was yearning to pee. I used to go to this yoga class where I never thought I would meet someone so E X O T I C. Agree or not there was something super exotic about this guy I met… Err.. in the bathroom. I peed first and he was next. Obviously, I couldn’t see him in his eye while I walked out. As he shut the door I realized I had forgotten my phone near the wash-basin (nothing disgusting about it. The wash basin was its cleanest self). I knocked. He obliged.

“I am Sorry but I kept my phone in the bathroom. Can you please pass it on to me?” A very wrong question to be asked to a guy who is busy peeing I tell you.

“Maybe you can take it later.” He said with an accent. And the heart races!

If I were who I am in my head I would have taken this opportunity and noted down his number right away! But some imaginary ring in my finger stopped me.

As so-not-expected the guy initiated a conversation the next day. I obliged. I had to. He is too extraordinary to be ignored. So here I was…talking to an International Desi. A desi becomes exotic the moment he steps on a foreign soil. Somehow the looks, the gait, the accent, the gestures, the smile, the laugh….every damn thing about a guy changes the moment he lands overseas. I had to steer him clear of any dating possibility and his disappointment was evident.

It was another rainy afternoon when he was talking to our yoga teacher about marriage. Apparently, the oh-it’s-so-difficult-to-keep-my-hands-off-you desi guy was in his early thirties and still in search of ‘true love’ and a ‘good girl’. He seemed to just walk out of some bollywood movie to me. Maybe he should stop watching those. The truth of life is that it is wayyy to difficult to find ‘true love’ and open your eyes dude!! Good girls are everywhere!

I interrupted “And why won’t you find a good girl?” (I wanted to propose my candidature but damn you Imaginary ring!)

“Umm.. I don’t know! Girls today are too ambitious and independent.” he said. I was shocked to hear that from a global desi who must’ve seen volumes of go-getting women abroad. If he thought that I wonder what desi men think!

“So? You can marry an independent girl. Can’t you?” I retaliated.

And then it dawned upon me…the truth of unmarried men! The ambition, the independence, the goals, the career…everything is turning the girls of this age un-marry-able.

I went through all the texts on our all-career-girls whatsapp group (the closest gang I have). We just spoke about the freedom, independence, career, goals, life….that’s it! No guy talks… EVER! Yes, we are independent, career-oriented, ambitious, free-bird. We are shrewd, smart, wise, beautiful. We are women! I don’t see a problem with that!

Men complain women won’t leave their careers to build up a family. Well, we do adjust but surely cannot leave our careers. Well, here is a question…WILL YOU? It is not wrong to be ambitious about ones career, right? If men can be ambitious so can women be! I feel it is completely wrong on a man’s part to expect his partner to take care of the household. Equal opportunities. Equal duties. Equal responsibilities. (I do not say Women are Equal to Men. We are definitely superior.)

Anyway, all of a sudden I found the women categorized into 2 groups – The marriage material and the unmarriageable ones. Unfortunately, all the women running behind their careers fall in the second category and hence they are sort of…unreachable (I think it is unattainable really).

I have no clue why men would have a problem marrying ambitious women. Whether it goes against their male ego or if they feel threatened and intimidated by the presence of the independent ladies. All I want to say is…this is going to be the rule now - Equality of responsibilities. Anyway the ‘marriage material’ ladies already have their face book walls full of the Wedding pictures but the un-marry-able ones are ruling the world! ;)

Of Love and Letters...

We all know how difficult writing love letters can be. I've seen some love letters starting with -
'Hey,

I am trying to write this love letter to you....'
and ending with -
'I hope you know how much I love you...'

The gist is the same... 'I love you'.. But it is pretty amazing how a few words can mean a whole world; how love can be engulfed in a few sentences. I was going through a few love letters online and found a few good ones on a single site. You can find them below.

Yes..this post has been inspired by Sex and the City - the movie. (Carrie asks BIG to write a letter for her..)

When I stole Money from ME...

Finally ME HOME! After enjoying my freedom for 2 and half years I am finally home (before my next stint). Love happens and so do greeting cards. I don’t believe in being completely open about my life to my parents and so I have always had this secret drawer in which I kept all the things meant to be *hidden*. As soon as I touched home I went straight to my room to hide some important stuff :p . I had even forgotten how it looked like. And I opened it… only to see surprises!

               

There were tickets to the movies, greeting cards, Cadbury wrappers, gift wrappers and wallets. I had totally forgotten about this part of my life (which is a very good thing because it was PAST). I was wondering why I had kept the crap in my life so long. And then I realized that I have come a long way…and the fact that I have changed is TRUE!

I longed for someone…then miracles happened…and then disappeared…I cried…begged…and the cycle repeated… but I only emerged stronger. The old ME would have kept all this….but the new ME simply picked it up, tore it into pieces, threw it into the dustbin and made space for new beginnings. I realized I did the right thing. It takes courage to leave the past and move on to take on the future.

Also…I never knew I had so many wallets! Jokes apart!! I never knew I had money saved! Considering I couldn’t save a penny in the past 2.5 years this seemed like a miracle to me. I couldn’t count the money (not because there was a lot of money because there was not….but because I am very weak at maths!). I decided to take a few bucks from that…but I started feeling guilty. That was my wardrobe and my wallet and my secretly saved money (which BTW I am very proud of!)… But still I felt guilty. It felt as if I was stealing money from someone I once knew. And that someone was ME! Just the old ME!

Nevertheless, I took the money… and felt guilty for quite some time...but the old Me was understanding so I am sure she would understand.

The call

It was just another ‘grass’ party. Alcohol is for the kids we believe. A lot of newbies joined the club this time. The only different thing about this one was the fact that it ended upsettingly early. Not many antics stole the show (or maybe I could not see them). The ambience was awesome and looked even cooler after getting stoned. The lights soon turned into bokeh and the music slowed down. The world lost its pace and so did I.  I dozed off in a short while.

The hammering ringtone woke me up. Of course I did not know that it was my ringtone. I tried to reach my phone. Thankfully it was nearby. I tried to open my heavy eyes. Though I could open only one eye it was sufficient for me to see another stoned friend of mine dancing on the tunes of my ringtone.

I spoke in a sleepy voice and expected the other person to hang up immediately and feel guilty for waking me up in the middle of the night. The conversation begun.

“Hell…Hello… “

“Hi”, said the perked up lady.

I could not check the name of the caller before picking up. “I am sorry. Who the %$&@ is it? And what the hell is the time?” I secretly hoped that it was not a relative of mine because using such language even in the middle of the night would invite criticism and long lectures.

“It’s me. And its 3 AM.”

“Who me?”

“ME ME.  Who else calls you at this hour?”

My eyes were still closed but still I wanted to know who it was. I opened my eyes with utmost efforts. I saw the screen to check the caller. Hell! The screen was so cluttered that I could not find the name of the caller. I could see some numbers flying but that’s it. Giving up I went back to listen to the lady.

“I am sleeping. I’ll kinda…call you back..?”

“Nooo! Wait… I had to tell you something important”

“What?”

“I am pregnant.” she said.

Stoned or sober this statement is alarming for one and all. All I wanted to say was ‘Hope you are married’. But I innocently said, “EH! What?”

“I am with a child.”

This reminded me of Phoebe from FRIENDS. Whoever it was had stolen the dialog from her.

“I am serious and Mom and Dad don’t know yet.”

“Okay… Tell them and Good night.”Again an attempt to hang up.

“I wanna have this baby.” She said this as if the baby was a chocolate.

“Okay”, I said still trying to figure out who the lady was.

“Let’s get married.” She said.

“Okay” Anything to make her hang up the phone and go back to my stoned self.

"What? I thought you would freak out" she said.

I was thinking if I was supposed to freak out. Pregnant girlfriend and marriage proposal on the same day might make a guy suicidal.

“By the way I am not pregnant. But now that you want to get married we will get married and I am buying the Sabyasachi Lehenga that we saw that day right away. I have your credit card.”

“Sure” all this was too fast for me to comprehend. But I was still wondering if I wanted to get married.

“Thanks baby. Love you.”

“Ya okay. Bye.” I think I hadn’t heard the ‘love you’ part properly.

“I wanted to know how cool you were with me buying a Lehenga worth a car. Now that I know you are cool I am buying it.”

Now she was getting on my nerves. You don’t do this to your boyfriend in the middle of the night.

“Okay” and I hanged up the phone.

I woke up the next day with a heavy head. A few heads were missing and the rest were resting in peace. The friend who was dancing on the bollywood number was trying to wake up too. The call was the first thing on my mind.

“Dude, my girlfriend called me last night.”

“Oh! Since when do you have a girlfriend?”

He was right. I was single ever since I remember. I reached my pocket for my phone.

I realized that I had not got my phone to the party. The battery of phone was dead so I decided to charge it.

“Who was the guy sleeping beside me last night?”

“Dunno bro. Some new guy. Why?”

“Nothing.”

“What did the girl say?”

“Don’t remember man. I was too stoned.” I said. I thought I shouldn’t tell around about the misery of the guy. He would have received a message from the credit card company anyway. And he would know that he was getting married too, since he was the groom.

10 things that happen to you in Mid-twenties

1.      Howmuchever your salary is you feel you work for peanuts. Money is never enough. You hardly save and money is too little to even be tracked by an app.

2.      ‘Face Book’ suddenly becomes the ‘Wedding Book’. The notifications speak only of ‘wedding’, ‘engagement’ and ‘pregnancy’.

3.      You travel and you travel a lot to attend people’s marriages. You take random trips and suddenly feel good about life.

4.      You detest going home and attending family functions because all parents/relatives/people who call themselves your family talk only about your marriage. Your marriage seems to be the sole purpose of their lives.

5.      You have at least one dream that seems impossible to attain. And even the attainable ones seem to be impossible. Example – Eating healthy, going to gym regularly, saving money etc.

6.      Friday and Monday are the longest days of the week and they squeeze Saturday and Sunday between them to death.

7.      Every conversation begins or ends with laundry, bills and recipes.

8.      You spend quite some time contemplating your future with the wrong ones or the ones who could have been right. And in the end you feel happy to have chosen the path you did.

9.       You feel you are caught in the wrong field. You always want to switch your industry – from IT to writing, from sports to acting and what not.

10.  You never know what you want out of life. It’s amusing when your parents ask you about it.

Love Happens

So, I am all set to get married. I talk to a hundred guys, shortlist few, meet them (and they bring me tea), get disappointed and decide to go for higher studies. The guys earning in dollars and living in posh houses cannot fancy me enough. I come back to my second home and decide to click Christmas. Because I have managed to reach a church at midnight I decide to pray. Out of amusement (and slight desperation) I pray ‘Oh God! Please let some guy come into my life forever’. Because I fail to click good photos we (me and my friends) decide to go to the beach but end up at the international airport. Right in front of the not-so-stinky loo I lay my eyes on this really cute supposedly co-worker of mine (and we have hundreds of common friends BTW). We talk and then we cannot stop.

Err…Wait! I still have at least 20 prospective grooms in my contact list. Was I not supposed to choose one of them?

I had purposefully not even interacted well with guys in the past 1 year because I was seeking a groom. Flirting was not an option really, not even with any of the grooms. I did not want to be the girl who flirts around with a lot and marries one who she never flirted with.

And then I start talking to this really cute guy…and talk and talk right into love…all this in front of a public toilet at the international airport. Somewhere between the public toilet and CCD, 4 AM and 6 AM, ‘Can I have your number’ and ‘Give me your number’ Love happened.

Yes, Love happens at bewildering places and at weird times.

Amie

‘Marriage’ takes you places, quite literally. Mine took me to a new country. What I thought would be a gala time for me turned out to be just the opposite for all I did was wash clothes, utensils, cook, shop, mop and everything else on my own. Settling down would take quite some time. The loneliness was irritating. I could not gel well with the snobbish wives of his bosses either. My only ray of hope was my in-laws visiting us. Since this country was going to be our base for quite some time we decided to move into a bigger and more comfortable apartment. After considering all the pros and cons of all the locales around we zeroed down on a couple of them. We went to check out the first one.

It was a pleasant day. I looked at my husband. He was busy asking for directions to the house-owners, Rob and Mia, on phone. Just when I was wondering whether to curse the weather for being so romantic or my husband for not being romantic at all a young girl (3-4 years of age) banged into me with her scooter. She was too cute to be shouted at. I looked at her and smiled. I bent down, placed her falling hairband properly and asked her name. Her cheeks turned red when she replied, “Amie”. She left a smile on my face. He looked at me and said, “We are almost there. The house is second on left.”

The house was beautiful. I liked it instantly. The wooden floor, the beautiful furniture, the warm fireplace; it was all perfect. It was my ‘dream house’. I looked at my husband and gave him the ‘approval’ look. We settled on the very comfortable couch and the conversation started flowing. The owners were apparently moving out because Mia wanted to settle down near her parents. After some time, Mia went to the kitchen to fetch tea, Rob went to answer the doorbell and my husband got busy with his Blackberry.

Suddenly I saw some movement. It was Amie behind the sofa. She looked at me, smiled and signaled me to keep quiet. Looked like she was playing hide and seek. I was wondering how she entered. I looked into the kitchen and saw the opened back door. So, Amie was Mia and Rob’s kid I thought. I was about to talk about Amie when the Mia arrived with tea and cookies.

We went ahead to check the rooms after tea. The master bedroom was lovely and beautifully decorated. There were only pictures of Rob and Mia; there was no sign of Amie. We went to the next bedroom. The kids bedroom was dark and showed no sign of furniture. “We don’t really visit this room much”, Mia said. I wondered why! She closed the door and we went downstairs. I suddenly thought that the double bed we had might not be accommodated into the kids bedroom. I asked Rob if I could go to the kids room and check if the bed would fit there. I knew I was getting too excited considering we had not even signed the rental agreement but the house was definitely worth it. I opened the door to find Amie running around the room with a teddy bear in her hand. I was amazed to find her there again. On seeing me she stopped and walked towards me.

“Are you going to stay here?”, she asked.

“I hope so. We like your house. Besides, your parents and you are going to shift to a bigger apartment. So we will take care of this small house.”

“Well, I will never leave this house. Can I stay with you?” she asked.

I smiled at her, a little louder, and gave her a peck again.

“Sure baby. You can stay with us.”

“Thank you.” And she started running around again.

I took the measurements and left the room.

I went downstairs to meet curious eyes. Rob and Mia gave me a blank stare. My husband looked embarrassed.

“Whom were you talking to?” Rob asked.

I said, “Amie”, and their faces flushed. Mia collapsed and Rob rushed to comfort her.

“What did she say?” Mia asked.

“Oh! She didn’t look happy with your decision of moving out. She wants to stay here forever she said.”

“You cannot talk to Amie. She died a year ago in a road accident while playing on her scooter.” Rob said.

“How can that be? I can see her everywhere!” I said.

Rob and Mia were speechless and so were we.

The brakes screeched and my head hit on the driver’s seat. I woke up to realize all it was just a dream. We got down and started walking towards the place we were about to rent. I could identify with the surroundings. It was a Déjà vu moment. I looked at the trees, the houses, and the street and wondered if I had visited this place before. A cute little girl banged into me with her scooter. She was too cute to be shouted at. I looked at her and smiled. I bent down, placed her falling hairband properly and asked her name. Her cheeks turned red when she replied, “Amie”.

10 Tips to my daughter

1.       Never let anyone touch you the wrong way. Not even your father.

2.       If someone hits you…hit them back.

3.       Always exercise your right to voice.

4.       Sex is not just another ‘cool’ thing to do. Being a virgin till you get married is cool.

5.       Always dress for yourself. Not to impress others.

6.       Love unconditionally. Love a guy who loves you in pajamas and not just in stilettos.

7.       Don’t let yourself be used by someone else. You are not a paper. You are precious.

8.       Drink wisely. It’s okay to experiment but be safe.

9.       Marry only when you are sure. Not when we want you to.

10.   Tell me everything.

Windows Phone 8 Apps - Have you tried these yet?

      1. Toshl finance

Cannot track your money? The month-end arrives in the middle of the month? Yes? Toshl finance is the right app for you. This app lets you manage your incomes and expenses seamlessly. It lets you maintain your budget and export your data to pdf, excel or google docs. What more? You can also access your finances from your desktop using toshl.com.

2. 627.AM

627.AM is a reminder + notes + alarm + forecast app. It has a wonderful user interface and best fits as your daily assistant. The application is very simple but beautifully combines weekly forecast, independent daily alarms (with snooze of 9 minutes) and to-do list on a single screen.

3. Insider

The Insider app provides you with an array of new features. The app helps you know about the battery status, stopwatch, countdown, phone information, memory usage, world clock etc. What more? You can download the last amazing 7 bing wallpapers to your phone. The app also provides you with shortcuts for flashlight, wifi, lockscreen etc. It also helps you compare all the Windows phones available in the market.

4. Listropy

Forget no more! Listropy lets you make to-do lists effortlessly. You can make a number of lists and visit them all by a single swipe. It also allows you to keep a track of the done items from the list. Overall Listropy is fast and clear to use.

5. Jarvis

Love Ironman? Download Jarvis! Jarvis, your personal assistant, is designed to be more than just a conversational tool. The app can help you with a variety of tasks with the prescribed commands. The app helps you with controlling your phone, discovering places nearby, navigating the maps, playing music etc. Do try the ‘Surprise me’ command. Jarvis is definitely full of surprises!

Over think-ing!

So I reached office unusually early today and had breakfast on time too (which happened after 7 months maybe). I was constantly reminding myself to be extremely humble to everyone (mom asked me to be- blame it on my bad horoscope). So… we were at the breakfast table and I told this to my cubie. I told her how my pearl (which is supposed to suppress my anger) has not really been working at all. I have been acting like a volcano quite literally and am sort of fed up of it. She said, “But when do you get angry?? I cannot believe that you do!” Well, I was very happy that she thought so high of me but I had no way of explaining my idiotic behavior to her. Anyway, the day progressed.

I was trying to concentrate on my ‘almost no work’ when I decided to enter the bad world (read: office communicator). I’ve kept away from it for a lot of reasons. Primarily because I wanted to keep to myself. It’s irritating at times to entertain people you’ve been running away from (long list for me). Somehow I ended up logging in and pinging a close friend of mine. I had to blurt things out. A lot has been bothering me these days. Life is not really rosy. So anyway, just when I thought I was feeling good about myself my cubie said, “Chalo, chocolates leke aaye. X is leaving today.”

I looked at her in horror. This was the nth guy who was leaving my wing in the past few weeks. My wing has witnessed at least one ‘Last working day - Sweets at my desk’ every week in the past few weeks. This week had been marked too. I had met X at the Indian ocean concert. I checked my mail box to see if he had invited me. There lied the 2 emails… ‘Last day at work’ and ‘Sweets at my desk – FCFS!’.

We went to see him. Yes, I took 2 extra chocolates (as usual). I tried to talk to him like this…

“Congrats. Where to?”, I asked with a super sad face somehow.

“Bangalore.”

“So, you had appeared for all those exams?” (P.S: I had no idea what those exams are.)

“Yes.” He said this as he was attending a prank call from his regional friends.

My cubie entered the conversation asking if he joined as a PO. I had no idea what it was. I realized that I had no knowledge about any other sector. But it is okay. As if I had a lot of knowledge about the sector I was working for I thought.

While returning to my desk I shared one of the 3 picked up chocolates with my senior (works as a bribe so that he does not give me work).  I reached my second home. I found myself staring at his ‘Last day email’. I wonder why I was so shocked! I guess I was more worried than shocked. Not because another person I knew was leaving but because I had no idea about my future. I saw dreams, worked for them, and that’s it. I haven’t really seen a ray of hope yet. My nerves felt tensed. My future was in darkness. Probably that is what has been bothering me so much for the last few days I thought. I had been a mobile volcano for the last few days and felt the most miserable in ages. Miserable, helpless, whatever you call it.

The uncertainties were bothering me. My plans have been completely random for the past few months – from deciding to get married to deciding against it to planning to study to pursuing random crushes… it has all been super random. My life can as well be the new definition of random.

Suddenly, I found myself worrying about the pani puri from the FC. Time was running out and it would be finished soon. I decided to run towards my new goal. And I missed out on that too; it was over by the time I started pursuing it. I returned disappointed to find that I did not really have much work to do. So I decided to go a little extra mile and wrote a user story for a scenario not covered. Ofcourse I was happy about it.

My boss came over. I showed him that scenario (since I had used my brains for it). I asked him my doubts (I am sure he will remember me forever as his most doubt-full team member). And he told me that the extra scenario I had written would only spoil the estimate and was unwanted. I was disappointed again since that was the only story I had used my rotting brain for! He told me that I had over-thought about the scenario and that I needed to stop thinking at all.

He was right. I had over thought a lot. Not just about the scenario but about life too. I had been super tensed over the past few days for all sorts of reasons. I had always been an inch away from crying because of the uncertainty which was not all that bad. I saw dreams, worked for it, and had done whatever I could have. I had played well and the ball was in God’s court now… or luck’s court… or in whomsoever it may concern’s court. I just have to keep calm and wait for the ball to be thrown back at me. Then I could both stand dumb and let it hit me right on my face or be prepared and hit it back wonderfully. I decided not to think and keep calm.

I realized the power of ‘over thinking’. It has all the power to wipe off sanity and let all the bad thoughts flow. It just makes you miserable. It makes you wonder…and wonder…till you start thinking negative and cry about the whole situation (unnecessarily). The hypothetical thinking does not really work well at times. Sometimes, I feel it is better not to think at all rather than over-think. That was not going to help me in my scenarios though.

Anyway, I deleted that scenario, saved the document and shut down my computer. I thought it was time for me to live and let live my brain too. I realized my misery flew away in no time after I stopped over-thinking. And, of course I realized that my pearl had not stopped working after all.