Sleepless in Seattle - Part 9 - Of the female Ego

So recently a friend of mine got married. He was engaged for 6 months. Just a week after his wedding his wife changed her name on facebook and it included my friend’s name as her middle name. Yes, it is very common in the society and is something that is ‘supposed’ to be done. But my ego ceased to agree. The ‘strong, independent, non-girly, career-oriented, non-marry able’ ego in me decided that belongingness is ‘rosy’ only to an extent. The line should not be crossed. You cannot give up everything you were all at once at the drop of a garland. You cannot cease to exist just because someone gifted you a diamond mangalsutra. You cannot leave your friend circle just because you have to be a part of his. You cannot leave your soft toy behind because you are supposed to hug him now instead. You cannot sleep on his bed just because his bed is full sized and now has a beautiful linen.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

-        Marilyn Monroe

At some level it may become unacceptable for every girl to be a ‘woman’ and then a ‘wife’. There is a huge difference. Being a ‘woman’ you always have to walk the path of fire. You cannot even jump to the sides to save yourself from the burns because there is a valley on one side and a steep, unscalable mountain on the other. We are expected to ‘sacrifice’ our name, identity, job, career, life, friends, family, eating habits, drinking habits, smoking habits and ‘I’ at every walk of life. But every woman has to sacrifice. The women of earlier generations could do and sacrifice much more but this generation may not follow the steps. I wonder what has changed us! Maybe past experiences, education, career, government or God have made us stronger.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

-        Marilyn Monroe

I look around to see older girls seeking a master’s degree for better prospects. None will spend half a crore on her education for a better husband. Girls around the world are making/have made themselves capable of conquering the whole world. The mindset and horizon has broadened. The ‘financial dependency’ aspect has reduced greatly so has the ‘emotional dependency’ aspect. The feeling of ‘I’ has grown and the term ‘female ego’ has been invented. So earlier the world revolved around ‘the man’ of the house. The circle has just grown bigger and includes ‘the woman’ of the house too. But seldom is the ‘female ego’ trying to compete with the ‘male ego’. From what I see the women are trying to establish themselves independently so that they can exist with/without men.

Not that I am being a feminist here. But the order of the world is changing and only for the good.

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”

-        Marilyn Monroe

The Un-Marry-able ones…

It was a rainy day and I was yearning to pee. I used to go to this yoga class where I never thought I would meet someone so E X O T I C. Agree or not there was something super exotic about this guy I met… Err.. in the bathroom. I peed first and he was next. Obviously, I couldn’t see him in his eye while I walked out. As he shut the door I realized I had forgotten my phone near the wash-basin (nothing disgusting about it. The wash basin was its cleanest self). I knocked. He obliged.

“I am Sorry but I kept my phone in the bathroom. Can you please pass it on to me?” A very wrong question to be asked to a guy who is busy peeing I tell you.

“Maybe you can take it later.” He said with an accent. And the heart races!

If I were who I am in my head I would have taken this opportunity and noted down his number right away! But some imaginary ring in my finger stopped me.

As so-not-expected the guy initiated a conversation the next day. I obliged. I had to. He is too extraordinary to be ignored. So here I was…talking to an International Desi. A desi becomes exotic the moment he steps on a foreign soil. Somehow the looks, the gait, the accent, the gestures, the smile, the laugh….every damn thing about a guy changes the moment he lands overseas. I had to steer him clear of any dating possibility and his disappointment was evident.

It was another rainy afternoon when he was talking to our yoga teacher about marriage. Apparently, the oh-it’s-so-difficult-to-keep-my-hands-off-you desi guy was in his early thirties and still in search of ‘true love’ and a ‘good girl’. He seemed to just walk out of some bollywood movie to me. Maybe he should stop watching those. The truth of life is that it is wayyy to difficult to find ‘true love’ and open your eyes dude!! Good girls are everywhere!

I interrupted “And why won’t you find a good girl?” (I wanted to propose my candidature but damn you Imaginary ring!)

“Umm.. I don’t know! Girls today are too ambitious and independent.” he said. I was shocked to hear that from a global desi who must’ve seen volumes of go-getting women abroad. If he thought that I wonder what desi men think!

“So? You can marry an independent girl. Can’t you?” I retaliated.

And then it dawned upon me…the truth of unmarried men! The ambition, the independence, the goals, the career…everything is turning the girls of this age un-marry-able.

I went through all the texts on our all-career-girls whatsapp group (the closest gang I have). We just spoke about the freedom, independence, career, goals, life….that’s it! No guy talks… EVER! Yes, we are independent, career-oriented, ambitious, free-bird. We are shrewd, smart, wise, beautiful. We are women! I don’t see a problem with that!

Men complain women won’t leave their careers to build up a family. Well, we do adjust but surely cannot leave our careers. Well, here is a question…WILL YOU? It is not wrong to be ambitious about ones career, right? If men can be ambitious so can women be! I feel it is completely wrong on a man’s part to expect his partner to take care of the household. Equal opportunities. Equal duties. Equal responsibilities. (I do not say Women are Equal to Men. We are definitely superior.)

Anyway, all of a sudden I found the women categorized into 2 groups – The marriage material and the unmarriageable ones. Unfortunately, all the women running behind their careers fall in the second category and hence they are sort of…unreachable (I think it is unattainable really).

I have no clue why men would have a problem marrying ambitious women. Whether it goes against their male ego or if they feel threatened and intimidated by the presence of the independent ladies. All I want to say is…this is going to be the rule now - Equality of responsibilities. Anyway the ‘marriage material’ ladies already have their face book walls full of the Wedding pictures but the un-marry-able ones are ruling the world! ;)

A story I was not prepared for...

Our friend has taken a Big Leap and assisted the Director of Thira. We all planned, unplanned, canceled, planned again and made it to the theatre. It was a late night show but still was well-received. Somehow I was not really bothered about the pending work and making it to work the next morning.  A lot of our friends were watching it for the second time. As usual, I was the only non-mallu in the gang. The fact that Thira is a malyalam movie didn’t matter much since a large part of the movie is in hindi/English.

The movie started off fast paced. It was exhilarating right from the first scene. The director did not really believe on building up the movie, which I found awesome. The plot revolves around Shobhana and Dhyan’s search for the missing girls. The flow of the story is logical and amazing. The movie keeps you at the edge of your seat totally.

But I realized I was not at all prepared to see the building up scenes of the movie. When I was younger I consciously avoided every scene that would even remotely depress me. I, somehow, cannot see anything horror, obnoxious, sad or anything that is demeaning to women. Maybe that or I don’t have the guts to face the harsh reality of life (most probable reason). Dhyan, the hero, goes to a factory and manages to find 2 girls who are captivated in the basement (Cannot describe the scene since I closed my eyes after seeing the first shot). He manages to free those 2. I wanted Dhyan to go and search and free the other girls who might have been captivated in that factory too! After all it was such a BIG factory. My mind was screaming at him to go and search for others. As the movie progressed my mind was still stuck in the dungeon scene and wondering what the girls must have gone through. Though it was just a movie and the asst.director was right beside me (to clear my never-ending doubts) I had completely drowned in the incidence that the scene portrayed.

A few scenes later, Shobhana and Dhyan find pieces of clothes with messages written ‘Help Me’, ‘Call my dad’ etc. I was immediately reminded of the bedtime stories my Grandpa told. ‘The escape of a girl from her kidnappers’ was my favorite. He obliged to all my multiple requests of reciting me the same story. Now I understood why. That story was probably his way of educating me and my brother of what should be done in such situations. Probably, the girls who wrote messages on clothes also had heard the story. I secretly wished all of their messages were read earlier and they all were safe in the shadows of their family.

                                                    

Towards the end of the movie, we realized that the kidnapped girls were actually going to be a part of a ‘party’. The who ’s who of the industry were to be present and they actually had the privilege of selecting girls they wanted to spend the night with (read: assault/molest)  on a very hi-tech iPad. The scene sent a chill down my spine. There was alcohol, handcuffs, ropes and what not to please the honchos.  Probably there was everything that would make the night wild and worthwhile for them. Before I realized I had freaked out. Such scenes were shown earlier in different movies too but today I saw them with a different perspective. I was thinking about the million girls who go through all this all over the world; girls who lose their innocence before they even know; girls who lose their innocence before they even realize.

Even if these scenes were just an integral part of the movie such things do make headlines and are often forgotten over a period of time. ‘Human Trafficking’ is prevalent. There are people in this world who equate ‘girls’ with ‘toys’. We have to accept the fact that people see us as an ‘object of pleasure’ many a times. And the threat is not always external. Daughters have been raped by their fathers, girlfriends have been molested by their boyfriends, wives have been forced by their husbands and the list goes on. Today, I wonder if being vigilant is enough for some circumstances cannot be avoided.

                                      

The end of the movie was all happy and I was relieved. All the girls were rescued. The movie dealt with the topic very well. And this was the first movie of this kind that I saw. But the topic dwelled in my mind long enough to pen this down. I wish I were a SuperWoman and could do something about it! I wish all of us were SuperWomen and could put an end to the unjust done towards us all over the world! I hope that day comes soon when the devils become lesser stone-hearted and do not see women only as an object of pleasure; when they think about the heart inside instead of just staring at the chest. Waiting for that day. God Speed.

Women in IT – Of codes, builds and bugs!

“Please let’s go home now. Just log off.” I told him. The cab was waiting for us downstairs. It was well past 12 am. He did not pay heed to my frustrations and continued working. We left the cubicle only to realize that were not the only ones working late. Many were struggling with codes, builds and bugs. The next day our Team Lead was very pleased with the ‘Good Job’ that we had done. She politely asked me to follow her to her cubicle. I thought the bug that I created the other day was going to fetch me some serious music but I was wrong. All she said was, “Always remember you are a girl. Working late is okay while you are still single but all this shall be impossible for you once you have a family. Always get your priorities right”. That came as a shock to me. I had been working late since quite some time and she knew. Later I realized she was right. Working late has become a culture off late everywhere. And it is a bad one for the long run.

Life is relatively easy when you are a singleton in the IT industry. You can focus on work without any disturbances since you are just on your own. I wonder if colleagues can be best friends. There are limitations everywhere. Also, after a certain period of time all singletons experience the parental pressure to get married and get settled. Going on-site, accepting work opportunities abroad etc. for a woman is not as easy as it is for a man. On-site work opportunity makes the groom-hunt difficult as not many husbands are in favor of their wives staying abroad for a span of 2-3 years. Being single makes you vulnerable to many things. You have an increased work pressure and managers take you for granted since you have no family around and hence no responsibilities.

Diary of a Family Man: Get up. Work. Come back. Eat. Sleep.

Diary of a Family Woman: Get up. Get kids ready. Tiffins. Work. Come back. Make dinner. Take care of in-laws. Homework for kids. Household chores. Eat. Sleep. Women always have a longer list of ‘things to do’. The diary is fatter if you are married. You have to be a super woman in order to handle life this way.

I see a lot of ‘family women’ managing the situations and pressures every day. Kids, husbands, in-laws, families, teams, managers, work, calls…it is not easy to do everything all at the same time. You have to cope with a lot of pressures if you are married. Also, every minute has to be utilized effectively so that you get enough time and breaks for other personal matters. Many companies provide with day-care facilities for children of their employees. Working ladies can be rest assured that their children are taken care off in those cases. Many companies also have dormitories for pregnant ladies so that they get enough rest amidst working hours. Pregnant ladies also get a lot of privileges (they can break the queues!). But that is it. You still have to work, attend all meetings, calls and manage your teams.

Apart from this we also have one more obstacle in the rat race we commit ourselves to – harassment.  The ‘odd working hours’ culture makes you vulnerable to a lot of unwanted elements. ‘Sexually colored’ remarks, lewd comments, offensive statements or even casual flirting at work can create a hostile environment for a woman. If the culture of a company is not free enough it might be difficult for a woman to handle such situations. The new law passed by Indian parliament would not really help. Many companies have their own version of anti-harassment laws (we all know the Phaneesh Murthy case.) It is upto the woman herself to take the matters in her own hands and report such incidences. Anonymity is maintained and harassment cases are handled with utmost care. But the scars of such incidences take a long time to heal.

                 

The IT industry is, undoubtedly, glamorous. The independence, money, parties, experience and opportunities are all worth it. But it takes a lot for a woman to survive in IT than it takes for a man. The field is not gender-biased and everyone gets equal opportunities purely based on merit. No quotas, no special treatments and every individual is treated as equal. Maybe a relaxed job would have been better but I would never have been able to enjoy the life as I do now. It is the thrill that I look forward to. Life should be challenging. After spending a year in IT I think it is just perfect for me.