Sleepless in Seattle - Part 17 - Glorious Uncertainties Certain...

This has been my favorite phrase for years now... "Glorious Uncertainties Certain". Partially because I have always been in trouble.. i have always failed in life..and then learnt from all my mistakes and come over it. Today, I go through something similar and I am so excited to see what I am going to end up with.

I am so excited right now. I have no clue what is in store for me!!
Like...it is so unpredictable. I don't have a job yet. I don't know what role I will get into and where.. I don't know what place I will have to go to. I might just have to pack my bags in a day (worst case) and leave or just stay here in Seattle in my comfort zone (best case).
I don't know if I will have a boyfriend ever again... or who will I end up with!! Really, relationships have been so bad/good/stupid that I have no clue what is going to happen in that area. I cannot even imagine myself with anyone right now.
I don't know how my life will be after 2 months. Infact, life is not going to be the same even after a month. 1 month later, this day, I shall be in California. Life may or may not be the same. But I am sure it's not gonna be the same.. itl be so different.. and amazing.. that I might not believe.. that I might forget all the bad moments that I have spent... all the days and nights I have cried... all the mistakes will be forgiven... Life will be beautiful.
Over all.. I am so excited!! This is going to be so amazing!!

Now I wanna know what is written for me.

Current thought: Life is beautiful
Current song: I love cheap thrills by Sia
Current mood: Daaru-Baba

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 12 - When the world comes crashing down

I have been contemplating this post for a really long time. But something or the other cropped up.

Career: My situation is very weird right now. The job market was down for a while. I have been getting interview calls since it has been up and running but nothing has materialized. In fact, despite interview calls, weird things have been happening like recruiters have been forgetting to call me on the scheduled time. And this has happened 4 times!!
Referrals are not working. People have asked me to search for an array of positions instead of the high-flying ones. I have been doing that... though unhappily.
Freaking hell, I am here for a reason. I have not spent 2 years of my life and a half a crore Rs on my life over nothing. My brain refuses to settle for less. Though I believe I will have to.
The funny part is I don't even have time to seek the best. Just 2 months to graduate.

Family: Papa passed away. I have been crying ever since. He was unwell for a long time but I still expected him to keep going until the end of this year. We tried our level best but could not save him. None can replace him.. obviously.. he was an amazing person. I miss him like crazy. The worst part is that I could not even see him for one last time. I was not around when he left us. I could not even see his rites. Cons of not living with your family.

Love: Love life sucks. It does not exist.

Twitter: Been tweeting a lot.

Social life: Starting today I am going back to my shell. No Human Interaction Zone. That's the only way out. No partying, no dating, no talking to people... nothing that will disturb me.

Life overall: SUCKS big time. I do not need a reason to cry. Now that I think of it this situation has continued from October end. Life sucks really bad. I am developing suicidal tendency. I even googled that but apparently dying isn't that easy either. Never mind! I cannot stop expecting out of life and people and so this misery. I am on my way to either crawl under the bed and die or gain more than I can handle. The former looks more probable.

Current thought: I wanna die
Current song: I wanna die
Current mood: I wanna die

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 10 - Of high-flying titles, job descriptions and mistakes

Yesterday: Finally I decided to take a shower. My phone never rings and none calls me unless I am in the shower (I bet this is true for a lot of you). As soon as I came out of the shower I checked my phone for no reason and saw a voicemail. I returned the voicemail and Voila! my interview was scheduled for the next day.

Flashback: Around a month ago I received a call from an agency that had no presence on this earth. The recruiting insurance company was a part of the agency or something like that. I still went for the interview for the sake of experience and obviously walked out and refused the offer since it was commission based. This interview call felt fishy too but the company had a good-enough website and an internet presence. Even glassdoor spoke good about it. So I decided to go ahead.

Today:
6:00 AM - My alarm rang. I woke up and decided not to think about him for hours like every day. Instead, I revised a few questions in my mind that I was sure would be asked in the interview. Tell me about yourself, 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses. I could not name 3 weaknesses and my 2nd and 3rd weaknesses were related. Just when my mind was about to wander I decided to wake up and make tea for myself.

6:30 AM - Morning sickness! No, I am not pregnant. The stress has taken a toll and it makes me sick every now and then. I still walked to the kitchen to make tea. My Korean roomie had cooked something the previous night which smelled yummy but my super smell made me puke because of it. Never mind I was fine after 10 minutes.

6:40 AM - Finally started making tea. Brushed my teeth and so on.

7:00 AM - Started ironing clothes... something that I was supposed to do the previous night... but did not do because I was upset because of SOMEONE. I realized how much time I have wasted on him and something that might not ever work out. All this because my mind refuses to give up. Never mind. It took me a really long time to iron my blazer and I could not get it perfect till the end. I have just started learning the tips and tricks of ironing clothes using my very new and fancy iron and it is difficult.

7:40 AM - Finally time to take a dump and shower.

8:00 AM - Nothing can force me out of the shower once I am in... not even an interview. I rushed out and got dressed. This was the time I had decided to leave at and here I was just out of the shower.

8:20 AM - I wore pain (read: formal shoes), locked the door and ran towards the bus stop. Obviously, I could not run and just walk, one step at a time. As soon as I reached the bus-stop I saw a bus going towards Downtown. I had to go to Downtown too was supposed to take the next bus. This bus took the longer route and a hell lot of time to reach the link rail. I realized all this after I boarded the bus. I started calculating the bus stops, time it will take or me to reach the place and so on.

8:45 AM - I saw the bus number signs at every bus stop. The bus that I was supposed to take had the same route according to the signs. I thought it would be a good and a faster idea to get down at the next bus stop and wait for my bus. As soon as this thought entered my mind I got off the bus only to realize that the only bus that came to this route was the bus I got off from. I immediately checked the bus app to check arrivals only to realize that the next bus was 15 minutes later. I wasted 15 minutes of my life standing on the bus-stop because of my stupidity.
At this point, all my planning of reaching on time was ruined. I immediately sent an apology to the HR via email and text. She replied saying it was fine and that they would accommodate. Right when I should have felt happy about it, I realized that I wanted to take a dump again! I mean, my body should know when to send me signals to go and take a dump... certainly not when I am on my way to the interview. I knew I was going to be restless till I reached home.

9:00 AM - The next bus arrived. I was finally on my way.

10:05 AM - After 2 buses, 1 train and 1 uber I finally reached the destination. This place was lesser shady than my flashback interview and everyone was dressed really smart. I quickly calculated that people who wear such smart clothes should either earn well or should have wealthy parents. I was not the only one to be interviewed. The nice girl next to me had already had her first interview and was waiting for her second one.

10:15 AM - I was asked to fill a form after which I was called for an interview by a fairly large person. I want to know if his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is still alive.

10:20 AM - I was out of my first interview. I thought that was a joke. Never mind. They asked me to wait for the second interview slated at 10:30 AM.

10:30 AM  - Interviewers came around and took a few candidates out for a coffee interview. I was wondering what coffee would do to my tummy which was already in a bad state. I was sure I was going to use their restroom today. I struggled to keep my problems below the surface.

10:35 AM - A very tacky woman, wearing a white hairband, silver-color skirt and silver shoes invited me to her cabin. To me, she came right out of a bar after having drunk and smoked pot all night. She stood out amongst all. She had a perfect figure. I can bet $10 on her smoking pot before/after/during work. I even smelled pot in whoever's cabin that was.
Never mind. The funny part was she asked me 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses and the way I fumbled while answering that question in the morning I fumbled here too. Sometimes, I adore my thought-process.
She showed me numbers, told me what they did, told me the salary structure (there was none). This job was commission-based too. And I still wonder how and why I applied for this job. The title was very lucrative (read: Account Manager) but they wanted their Account Managers to go door-to-door and sell products for the clients. I was appalled at my condition. Oops! I did it again! I decided not to use stupid job sites again and not apply to any marketing and sales positions. I am always going to ask the HR about the job description first and if the position is commission based or salary based. One stupidity wasted my entire day. I felt sorry for myself.

11:30 AM - Third round of interview in which I was told that I was basically required to sell products for the clients. I was like.. WOW! This is the reason I have spent 60 lakhs on my Masters. This interview lasted for 4 minutes.
I walked out, called an uber and after changing trains and buses reached the bus stop.

1:00 PM - The walk from the bus stop to home was the hardest. The shoe-bite ached and I walked half a step at a time. Life was/is being brutal.

I realized the pattern of my life. I never check details in the rush of missing opportunities. And I never care about getting hurt. I just go for it because of some reason. It's as if some force calls me and I just do it. I realized I do something even if there is a 0.001% chance of success... be it a relationship or  a job prospect or anything else in the world. I am not really afraid of failure. I have never been. I have failed so many times in life that failure is routine and success is exceptional.
Never mind. Lesson learned.

Current thought: I wanna go home and sleep. Whatever happened to taking a dump.
Current song: Gun gun guna re
Current place: On-campus job

Cryptic Rants - 1 - Life right now...

It’s been more than a year now… for a lot of things. It just seems like yesterday that I moved to Seattle. I have successfully completed the first year of my Master’s program. However, with no full-time in hand.

I am still high on hopes and everything is pretty hunky dory with my new on-campus job (which BTW I love a lot). I do games and IT stuff for the Athletics department of my school and it is uber fun for me to do so.

Nike did not convert… I am still pretty bummed about it for I <3 Nike. But I guess it will be fine soon. I am pretty confident about that.

Love-life sucks as usual. I realized it isn’t important right now or rather never was. I have always given importance to unnecessary things in life and continue to do so. Does not make sense… it never made.

New apartment and roomies are lovely. After last year’s amazing (read: horrifying, scary and ridiculous) experience I have decided to shell out double the money I could afford and rent a room for myself with firangs. Yes, you are right... I stay with firangs now and spend ridiculous amount of money for peace of mind and peace in general. I thought it would be a good idea and investment since this would be my last year to do so.

My mom’s been behind me for the whole marriage thing. Apparently the words ‘26’ and ‘Single’ do not really go together. I saw ‘Bride and Prejudice’ yesterday to amuse myself. Though there were a few moments when I laughed out loud I realized my mom might soon turn into Mrs. Bakshi who is in constant search of a rich husband for all of her daughters.

I suddenly realized I am not a romantic. I never was. I am too straight-forward than I thought I was. I like gifts, yes, everyone loves them. But, none can win me with those. That’s not me. I don’t treasure things like I should – memories, gifts, and rings… whatever.

I have come to a point where I realized I won’t be sad if someone leaves me (the time has come… almost). I will be super sad and annoyed and depressed and might even have a nervous breakdown. But life will move on.

So a part of my brain says ‘This is it!’ and the second part of my brain says ‘Life will go on’… So I am not really sure what life is going to be like post October. The truth is I don’t want to know. I cannot think of my life post this phase. How I wish nothing changes!

On the courses front I have just gotten 1 of my courses. I have not been able to get seats in the other 2 which is frustrating. I ought to make a lot of decisions about courses now. My internship did not work out for this quarter and so ‘Money matters’ are going to be featured in a lot of the diary logs.

As for money I ran out of it long time ago. Waiting for the 10^th when I can finally start affording food again.

Adios for now.

Of the hijack

I know I am writing after almost a year…. But I’ve been busy and sad. I am extremely determined to complete this blog post before I touch my stolen chicken wings.

Just a moment ago I was thinking of something I said to someone I loved. We were definitely special for each other (or so I think!). We spent every moment with each other (over the distance) and loved it. We knew it was going to end and things were going to change. I knew nothing was going to work out. My ‘forceful, possessive, intense, passionate’ self would not let me give up (I am an ass). I never ever wanted to let go off him, let go off the thoughts, let go off whatever little we had.

But somehow I knew he was going to leave…that he wasn’t made for me… that we were not meant to be with each other… that I was going to have a very tough time giving him up. So once, after being angry with this ‘thoughtful’ part of my brain I picked up the call and said “So I know you are looking for someone special and I know we cannot be together. I think I take a lot of space in your life, like a whole lot. I have hijacked your life. So what say we stop this and go back to our lives… and live a real life?” He said I was being stupid and this wasn’t a reason to stop talking.

This memory came back to me a minute ago for no reason. I was thinking if I was right then or if I am right now. I am wondering if someone can become so important for you (or vice versa) that you do not have a spot for anyone else. I have seen that happening. Sometimes to accommodate someone you gotta move.

I wonder if someone can hijack your life so badly that you do not have time to think about anyone else!

I wonder if someone means so much to you that life without that ‘someone’ is meaningless!

And the worst part is that you may or may not end up with this fascinating person.

I don’t know. Life is weird. But I always wonder… if someone is not going to end up with you why would you meet him/her? For experiences, lessons or a great time!?

In the end… I think I just cannot let go.

Wiser on the run

It was a sunny Seattle morning and my last one in Seattle. I am going to be in Beaverton for a while now (hopefully). 3 months at the headquarters and I will be back to my gloomy world.

While I was trying to figure out where to keep my carry-on luggage in the train I noticed her. She was pretty and old, her eyes spoke volumes about her suffering, her body language screamed fear, and her elegance stood out. I know I am no psychologist, but her body language was readable. She looked at me and said ‘Hi’ with a broad yet faded smile. We started talking.

We spoke at length about how we take decisions in life, our relationships (failed and current) and her marriage and mine. She lived the life I fantasized for a vacation and I lived hers. She was living in a shell, engulfed by her drunkard husband. And I always thought I was living in mine. She never had kids and asked me about mine. I said ‘sure’! Having kids is a ‘must-do’ for us anyway. I quickly calculated her age and mine and realized she was exactly my mother’s age!

I have been searching answers to my own questions lately. She answered mine. She asked me to wait. We take a lot of decisions to achieve some stability in life – emotional, physical, financial or mental. Parking decisions seems not to be an option in a lot of situations. But she asked me to wait. And I found that to be a better idea than jumping guns. I thought what if we all waited to take decisions?

What if I did not get married to a guy for my emotional security? What if I did not care about money and gave up the job I disliked? What if I waited on my relationship and not give up on it? What if I decided to live alone all my life and not care about what the world had to say about it?

Every word of hers made me wiser. Her voice deepened as she spoke. She regretted her decisions in life and so did I. Well, I have been regretting a few decisions already. I am sure all of us do. What is a life without regrets?

We reached our destination in no time. She was sad about the fact that she would go back to her fearful life in an hour. I was sad to have let her go back to her life. We hoped our paths crossed again. We decided we would see how life has changed between this train ride and the next.

How I wish I could keep her with me! Her kids would have been very lucky…

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 9 - Of the female Ego

So recently a friend of mine got married. He was engaged for 6 months. Just a week after his wedding his wife changed her name on facebook and it included my friend’s name as her middle name. Yes, it is very common in the society and is something that is ‘supposed’ to be done. But my ego ceased to agree. The ‘strong, independent, non-girly, career-oriented, non-marry able’ ego in me decided that belongingness is ‘rosy’ only to an extent. The line should not be crossed. You cannot give up everything you were all at once at the drop of a garland. You cannot cease to exist just because someone gifted you a diamond mangalsutra. You cannot leave your friend circle just because you have to be a part of his. You cannot leave your soft toy behind because you are supposed to hug him now instead. You cannot sleep on his bed just because his bed is full sized and now has a beautiful linen.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

-        Marilyn Monroe

At some level it may become unacceptable for every girl to be a ‘woman’ and then a ‘wife’. There is a huge difference. Being a ‘woman’ you always have to walk the path of fire. You cannot even jump to the sides to save yourself from the burns because there is a valley on one side and a steep, unscalable mountain on the other. We are expected to ‘sacrifice’ our name, identity, job, career, life, friends, family, eating habits, drinking habits, smoking habits and ‘I’ at every walk of life. But every woman has to sacrifice. The women of earlier generations could do and sacrifice much more but this generation may not follow the steps. I wonder what has changed us! Maybe past experiences, education, career, government or God have made us stronger.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

-        Marilyn Monroe

I look around to see older girls seeking a master’s degree for better prospects. None will spend half a crore on her education for a better husband. Girls around the world are making/have made themselves capable of conquering the whole world. The mindset and horizon has broadened. The ‘financial dependency’ aspect has reduced greatly so has the ‘emotional dependency’ aspect. The feeling of ‘I’ has grown and the term ‘female ego’ has been invented. So earlier the world revolved around ‘the man’ of the house. The circle has just grown bigger and includes ‘the woman’ of the house too. But seldom is the ‘female ego’ trying to compete with the ‘male ego’. From what I see the women are trying to establish themselves independently so that they can exist with/without men.

Not that I am being a feminist here. But the order of the world is changing and only for the good.

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”

-        Marilyn Monroe

How casual can you get?

Every day a new kind of relationship is invented. From marriage to relationship to affair to now casual relationship we can see relationships getting weaker. Marriage, a supposedly strong bond, comes with a warranty period too these days. I have taken special interest in ‘casual relationships’ though.

To correctly define the term ‘casual relationship’ google helped me. A casual relationship is a pure sexual relationship in which both the partners are in it only to satisfy their physical needs. It is much more than a one-night stand (it is in fact a series of it) and much lesser than a full-blown relationship. The partners have an amicable agreement of their own terms and conditions. They usually know each other and are friends/acquaintances before they enter such an arrangement. The relationship works perfectly well…err…till one of the partner falls in love.

The casual relationship comes with a lot of complications despite the amicable agreement!! Generally, the partners tend to spend a lot of time and share things together. As a result they become used to having each other around at times of trouble and advice. Generally, one partner is more dependent on the other for his/her needs. In such a scenario the lesser dependent partner has an upper hand in the relationship and the relationship is at his/her disposal. Also, the more submissive partner might go to any lengths to make the relationship work because he/she needs it more (or so he/she thinks!).

They say there is no room for jealousy and belongingness in a casual relationship. I find that very odd though. I do not know how belongingness can be kept away from a sexual relationship. It would be hurtful if a casual relationship partner gives more preference to someone else of the opposite gender (maybe applicable only to women). Jealousy and possessiveness are too difficult to separate; though that can happen with time.

Once the casual relationship reaches a dead end (always in a matter of months) it can be difficult for the partners to hang around each other since it might get awkward. Since in maximum cases they already know each other it can be a little hard. Also, the partners usually have to recover from the relationship all by themselves since very few people apart from them know about this relationship. People do not wish to divulge about such relationships to other friends because of a variety of embarrassment, worry about others being judgmental etc. Also, both the partners are worried about falling in love! There is a thin line between ‘no strings attached’ and ‘strings attached’. And the thin line fades off pretty soon.

They say it all goes bad in the woman’s head. Well, it does. A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin. Women produce more of this hormone which makes them more vulnerable to fall in love with the guy they had sex with. Unfortunately, the release of oxytocin is not dependent on whether the guy is right or wrong. Whether you are cuddling with the love of your life or with your casual relationship partner the hormone makes you put down your guards. This is also a reason why you feel bad even when a short term relationship ends.

 I never thought of this ‘chemical lochya’ until recently. Life is too short to think and judge and decide what is right or wrong. It is better to regret about something you did and failed at rather than regretting about something you wanted to do but did not. Such kind of a relationship is rampant and I would be shocked if anyone has not come across one yet. Attractions happen all the time. You meet new people and like them. But it is not possible for us to fall in love with everyone so someone found a mid-way. We never know whether a relationship is right or wrong. But the thing that we know for sure is that relationships are losing their strength. The levels of a relationship are stepping down and I want to know how casual can it get?

Current mood: Sleepy

Current song: Zubeidaa title track

Current mood: Kya aap close-up kartey hai? 

Sleepless in Seattle – Part 8 - Three and a half

It was a tiresome Tuesday. I was at the airport…err… working. After a hesitant start I thought I could nail my current job. It was not as bad as I thought it would be but it was worse. I knew I the hiccups would not just be in the initial phase but throughout till the end. That’s how my life has been. Never mind.

So my boss, who was also struggling with his work, asked me on my way back, “How long have you been here?” to which I replied, “A little over 3 months.” Wow! I have survived quite a bit here I thought. I quickly tried to summarize the last 3 months of my life as follows -

1.     Roti – Tough times with food. Busy schedule did not allow us to eat properly. Haven’t really been eating properly. I can count upto 5 days when I have survived over water because of busy schedule. Poor me.

2.     Kapda – Tough times here too. I could not get clothes for myself when I went out to shop. Very few for XS. Apart from jackets I haven’t bought anything yet…but still. Would love to shop with a local. I love their dressing sense!

3.     Makaan – Who said things don’t break down in USA? Things break down and people don’t work in case of holidays. How I wish it was as easy as calling the plumber uncle as it was back in India! We survived the thanksgiving holidays without a bath-tub and without having bath. Thank God our excessively sweet landlord paid for our spa sessions.

4.     Paisa – My sexy and saucy boss forgot to turn in my time-sheets. So, I have not been getting paid on time. Whatever little money I am entitled to is still in the bank. Also, wonder why I have been paying so much of taxes! I could not set up direct deposit and bosses have no clue how to do it either. My imaginary ring helps me eat!

5.     Health – Pathetic. I am glad I am alive and sane to write this post.

6.     Padhai - I do not remember when the quarter started and how it ended. Everything in between these two days was very frustrating and hazy. I hardly remember anything. One of the very few things that I remember are readings, crying for grades, swearing at people for cutting unnecessary marks, banging my head over citations, project work and trying hard to showcase my work. Hope everything went well.

7.     Friends – I need to work on this one badly. Got back with my estranged best friend though. Realized how much I had missed him over the time. Happy to have a Doctor best friend too. Life is easier when your ring is also a friendship band. Yaeiboo, Waram and Friends Forever continue to rock. Life would have been nothing without them.

Current mood: Drowsy

Current thought: Mi kashi tujhya savey chukle vaat rey?

Current song: Ghan Rani

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 7 - Why not everything at once?

“Kya karna kya hai tujhko life mei? You cannot get everything at once yar!” he said. And he said so to direct my crazy confused soul in a single direction for the upcoming quarter. My mind was indecisive. It still is. Life suddenly seems very restrictive. The sea of opportunities that I was dying to explore has just turned out to be a lake. We can traverse only a particular square. Sometimes, you just cannot cross the borders simply because there is too much at stake.

When I realized I cannot take all the courses I like I remembered all the things (recent times strictly) that I have always wanted to do but could not. Giving up on something untangled was one such thing. I have always wondered why all of us cannot have everything…everything at once! Why do we have to give up on something in order to achieve something else? Why do I have to give up on milk chocolate just because I want to have a darker one? Is it unfair for me to have both the chocolates at once? Not that I am snatching the milk one from someone else…but…if both the milk and dark chocolates are available on the shelf why can’t I have both? Just because they pose a threat to my teeth and gums?

The world follows some rules (unfortunately) the golden rule being ‘You cannot have everything you want’. “Kuch paane ke liye kuch khona bhi padta hai” is the rule. But kuch paane ke liye kuch khona kyun padta hai? So that we can make space for the new thing/person? Something similar is said in the book ‘The Secret’ too. I, somehow, have started to disagree to it now. The khona-paana part ceases to make sense to me. How I wish everyone could have everything! At Halloween you can have a broom and a nice hat and be a witch or grow wings and be a fairy. Why cannot I grow wings and still wear the witch’s hat and become a FITCH?

I am still searching for answers to my questions – Why cannot I have everything at once? Why do we have a ‘risk’ factor for everything in life? Who decides on who deserves what? Does God/karma maintain a spreadsheet for everyone that says ‘Can have’, ‘Cannot have’ with expiry dates for everything? I personally hate databases but if God or Karma maintain such records then the database would be loads bigger than ‘Big Data’.

I found this quote on the website http://lifesbestadvice.com/2012/04/01/you-cant-have-everything-you-want-but-you-can-have-everything-that-matters-to-you/ … Maybe it is kinda true -

“You can’t have everything you want, but you can have everything that matters to you”

Maybe God has his own way of directing you to whatever is good for you and whatever matters to you. Maybe not. God obviously does not run the biggest telecommunications company in the universe and hence will never be able to talk you into something. Karma is busy too and cannot stop you from committing a sin every time you attempt it. Hence Karma finds some way to punish you for every mistake the severity of which depends on the severity of the mistake.

I want everything in life including the things I know shall harm me. But how wise is it to lose everything you own to have something you can never own? Why do we walk the wrong paths when we know it ends in a valley? Maybe for the sense of having everything for a short time?

P.S: I miss everything. Badly.

Current Mood: Disappointed.

Current thought: Everything at once.

Sleepless in Seattle – Part 6 - Go BIG or Go home

The day had begun even before the day began. We were all suited up! The shady experiences did not occur unexpectedly. It was cold. The suit did not protect me but I did not mind that. I was too nervous to mind. We reached and the grilling began.

I had the unexpected opportunity to sell myself that day (yet to know whether I was successful) to one of the largest firms on earth. The interviewer pushed me to jump off from the 19^th floor. I tried my best to be glued to my seat. After being barbecued in all the rounds we found ourselves in… well… Jeopardy. We, desis, had never heard of it. Apparently, we were supposed to choose a category and answer questions for points.  We went first. The extremely peppy, vivacious, Edward Cullen-looking guy besides me said “A day in life – 1000 points. Go BIG or Go Home!” I could simply focus on ‘Go BIG or Go Home’.

Something about the quote was attractive. Actually, everything was attractive. Just the one statement he made motivated everyone and none would play for less than a thousand points. I figured out everyone sort of agreed to his statement. That is what we are here for, right? For going BIG. Real BIG.

Coming from India I have realized it takes immense guts to even dream big. Support isn’t everywhere. You need to be extremely lucky to dream and to receive the support to fulfil your dreams. Once you reach the pathway nothing can stop you. They are right when they say – “If it hasn’t left your mind for quite some time it is worth a shot.” But it takes guts to even to dream about the thought lingering in your mind since long.

The thought of going BIG made me think. Is it important in life to go big? Maybe it is. Life is all about taking risks, isn’t it? That new girlfriend, new project, new lover, new picture, new workplace, new cuisine, new dress! If we look at life everything seems to be a risk. Will life be fun if we wear the same clothes every day? If we never try to cook a new dish? Every dress is risky. Every dish can be a mess. That’s what makes life fruitful. If we take risks we better make sure it is worth it. It is important to go all the way…in whatever you do. ‘Well begun is half done’ but who wants to be a ‘well begun’. If you take a risk go all the way. Go Big. What’s the use of taking a risk otherwise?

I don’t know if the demi Edward Cullen really meant what he said or he even knew that his simple quote (that he might have used to sell himself) had motivated the entire room. Looks like Motivation happens unknowingly.

Current mood: Lovely.

Current thought: Go BIG or Go Home.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 5 - Life is Timeless

It’s been a long week… and the irony is I am just done with Tuesday. I feel super exhausted and the mid-term has not even arrived yet. My bed is messy and so is my calendar. I have no clue what to give priority to – love, money, readings, assignments, coursework, job or … life. Life’s been so busy that I haven’t had time to… well… take care of my ‘pratarvidhi’ well.

Just yesterday when I was running in between course and money I learnt about something happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t even have time to *be happy* about it. Weird but true. I suddenly realized… we do miss out on a lot of things just because we don’t *have* time. Those small things, those moments, moments of lust, moments of pure love, moments of laughter, moments of…you know… But such is time, right? You never know what you’ve lost until you realize that you really wanted it. There is going to be a time when you come face to face with whatever you have lost because you had no time – a really sweet girlfriend, an opportunity that didn’t seem like one earlier, a relationship, an offer…just everything. In such time of opportunities can one really have everything?

I remember reading this quote somewhere –

“Time is like a handful of sand- the tighter you grasp it, the faster it runs through your fingers”

 Never knew what it meant until now. I’ve been trying to catch up with everything but have failed literally. It’s really not possible to be everywhere I guess and multi-tasking cannot mean being omnipresent. An attempt to be omnipresent is just an attempt to grasp the sand…tighter. I think it is just time to sit back and not to believe in the song ‘Everything at Once’. The best thing we can do is to hold time, brace ourselves and go with the flow; enjoy whatever comes our way. Sometimes the best plan is to go with the flow.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 4 - Is it that easy to let go?

It was the most important day of my life in Seattle. I had Big 4 applications to be made and as expected my resume and cover letter were still in the making. To add to it the ghost of my illness had attacked me the night before. I was screwed up by all 3 directions and she made sure that I was attacked from the fourth too.

I woke by being bombarded by her messages. She had all the right to be angry at me but I had no right to retaliate. She had the freedom of speech but I didn’t. She could say whatever she wanted at any point of the day and I couldn’t. And all this for the last 13 years. I’d decided to ignore her but she continued Viber’ing me. I decided to take matters to the higher court – our group.

With a lecture in my kitty and 4 applications to be ‘successfully’ made I did not want to be screwed that day. But there comes a time in my life every year when I am in deep s#!t and she pushes me into a deeper one. That moment of the year had arrived for me. I declared in our whatsapp group that I wasn’t going to talk to her or reply to her messages. And one of us typed the golden words –

“I was wondering if it is that easy to let go off people! Will you guys leave me too if I start throwing tantrums?”

I suddenly felt guilty about it and felt I shouldn’t take such rude steps. I wasn’t sure if I was letting go off my friendship with her but I realized that was how everyone was going to look at it. It was weird for me since I never let go off people in life. I have held on to her, our friendship for a fairly long time but time and again I have regretted my decision of holding on to her. Some people are purely high maintenance and I have realized I don’t have time for that. I am either too full of myself or have lost all my patience to maintain relationships…especially from across the globe. I’ve realized that some people are just not good for you or for your peace of mind. What do you do then? If it is a family member…well…you cannot really do anything about it. But if it is someone you can stay away from I think you should. Not all relationships can be maintained and not relationships are supposed to be.

I know not many shall agree to this but I refuse to feel frustrated and irritated once/twice every year. I refuse to fracture my thumb replying to long messages. I refuse to be vulnerable to a *friend* who hurts me all the time. I refuse to feel cold around someone. Not all relationships are easy-going but if they aren’t they aren’t meant to be. I have struggled with one for 13 years but not anymore. I just lack the patience for that.

I think it is easy to let go off people especially now when you have no time to keep the relationships going. Sometimes you can maintain 3 relationships instead of maintaining a high-maintenance one. It is not recommended but that is all you can do to spare yourself from being attacked again.

P.S: I still love her and wish her the best.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 3 - Expectations strike again!

Love/Like/Friendship à Expectations à Frustration and Pain à Mind f***d.

Life feels so scary and apprehensive at times. I feel bound to a set of ‘Things to do’ these days. I have realized that a diary can help me out greatly. But I cannot write my emotional to-do in a calendar, can I?

I’ve thought time and again about the part of my life which has been sabotaged by expectations. I have a really unfortunate habit of expecting great deals out of people, especially the ones I like. Naturally, it is not wrong to expect a little out of people. But there is a very thin line between the two – little expectations and going overboard. And then the definition of ‘thin’ differs from people to people. ‘Fat is the new thin’ for me but for some ‘thin ceases to exist’.

Priorities kill Expectations. I failed to understand the relation earlier. Now I do. ‘Priority’ is the new excuse in town. ‘I did not do this because I had a different priority’ suddenly made super sense to me when I heard the usage a couple of times over a couple of days. I wonder if ‘friends/relatives/spouse/crushes’ fit in ‘priority’ or is it strictly ‘personal’? I guess priorities are influenced by personal choices. Suddenly a thing that would have been the last thing you would do on earth becomes a priority to avoid an expectation. Can happen! Happened to me!

Anyway, expectation is a curse for sure…the curse that has made me the Queen of Mood Swings. I’ve finally decided not to expect anything or at least to lessen expectations from life. I should realize life is not here to serve me whatever I want in a platter. That is one thing life never does. I have learnt this the hard way…still learning…

Mood: Disappointed and Sad.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 2 - Back Back Back!

It was a perfectly beautiful day and I was having a not so perfect time… career counseling myself. I was trying not to look into my phone for any Whatsapps that could help kill a few minutes from the most important seminar of my life. My phone vibrated unnaturally and so I looked into it. It was already unlocked and the messenger was open. Never knew what my palms could do without thinking. It was him…

I was pretty amused that my deeply hidden messenger opened automatically and the window was his...all this in the most important hour of my day. The messages suddenly felt good. I realized I was sort of yearning to talk to him for a while.

We ended up on a bad note for me and a good one for him. It was neither a relationship nor friendship. I realized I looked up to him. I was naïve and was looking for someone to show me the right path…and he did. You don’t need to be in a relationship to learn things from someone…in fact you don’t even need to be friends with someone. People who are meant to come into your life just walk in and out of your life at the right time. He was one of those.

There is always one guy in everyone’s life who they want to go back to…not literally…not even virtually...neither temporarily nor permanently…just for some time. This guy is always there when you need help, advice, support and anything else that you need. That is not his full time job but maybe he doesn't mind it. He is sort of….your career counselor…who takes care of your emotions, problems and everything else when you are in deep shit. Maybe a Life Mentor! He is the answer to all the questions and solution to all doubts. You don’t need to talk to him all the time…just at the time of need is enough. This low maintenance relationship (I don’t know what to call it) sustains on absolute no-talks. A simple ‘Hi’ from someone is re-assuring and sometimes even a long talk with someone feels fake. There is a certain comfort and re-assurance in a ‘Hi. I am busy.’ It’s funny how some people touch your life so much and so beautifully in a very little time.

I don’t know what such relationships are called. It’s definitely not love. Whatever, it is… feels good.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 1 - Of faith and hope...

 

So I arrive in this beautiful city…flying from over Dubai, Baghdad, Greenland and what not…half-drunk (partly to recover the flight ticket and partly following orders). The immigration, customs, wifi was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The jet-lag asked too much of me. And so did my phone connection. I started my house-hunt right from the 1^st day of the week. Struggled all the way along. Walked like never before…saw unusual things…tried hard to do away my thoughts of going back.

There comes a day in everyone’s life when he/she wants to go back to the pavilion. That day came into my life right in the 1^st week of my Seattle Life. I had no house, no job, no money… nothing at all. I cribbed about it to a friend…and he helped just his few words. It’s like someone is always there to watch your back. We just need to have faith. And when you lose faith God makes sure that faith is reaffirmed. We all need something to keep us going. One quote, one man, one friend, one thought, one situation… just one thing. And then the dwindling thoughts are just a passé.

Fortunately, the thought of going back has never entered ever since.*touchwood* But I suddenly have full faith in faith. Faith…hope...belief…whatever you call it… that is what keeps the life going. J

Life’s good.

You can find the reasons for my re-affirmed faith below. J

Where do you want to be?

It was a rainy day and I was enjoying nothing with my estranged best friend. All I wanted to do was run away and tell her that the vibe was too cold to be warmed up again. But I didn’t want to hurt her and I decided to stay back. As I was engrossed in my thoughts I heard her saying, “I have everything in my life now and I don’t want to lose anything.” I am Sorry.. did she say EVERYTHING? This meant she knew where she wanted to be in her life and she was exactly at that place. That seemed like a remote possibility for a girl my age.

I knew she has a boyfriend and a job (don’t know how much it pays though). But really… is it possible for anyone to have everything and be happy? And how does one know that he/she is content? Have human beings stopped being greedy? I left being totally dissatisfied with my life and shocked about her being satisfied with hers.

Then I realized I would not be satisfied in the near future because I didn't know what I wanted out of life. And she did! One can never be satisfied unless one knows what he/she wants. That’s our problem. We seldom know what we want and when we do we are not sure if we want that. And when we get what we wanted we suddenly realize that we no longer wanted that. And if someone else gets what we wanted we want to have what he/she wanted. The series of ‘wants’ is confusing but this is what happens in life.

Well, it is true. We don’t know what we want in life. Most of us just believe in going with the flow. Take up Science after tenth, go to Engineering, and take up a job….and whatever. But is that what we really want? A good career? A good spouse? A better job? I think all of our life is spent living the fear of our in the flow goal. A lot of us can never really decide about what we really want in our lives. I am obviously one of them.

Maybe this is what all of us should do… For a moment we must all forget about our current careers and jobs and think about what we really want to do 5 years down the line and work towards it. Where do you see yourself? Do you see yourself skiing in Switzerland or clicking wildlife in Africa or writing a romantic novel or settled down with that friend of yours you never thought you’ll marry? What do you see yourself doing?

Maybe life isn't that complicated as we think it is. Maybe life is simple if we try and figure out. We have to realize that ‘making a living’ and ‘living life’ are two different things and focus on being successful according to ourselves rather than being successful according to others.

P.S: Totally feeling like a spiritual Guru today.

The Un-Marry-able ones…

It was a rainy day and I was yearning to pee. I used to go to this yoga class where I never thought I would meet someone so E X O T I C. Agree or not there was something super exotic about this guy I met… Err.. in the bathroom. I peed first and he was next. Obviously, I couldn’t see him in his eye while I walked out. As he shut the door I realized I had forgotten my phone near the wash-basin (nothing disgusting about it. The wash basin was its cleanest self). I knocked. He obliged.

“I am Sorry but I kept my phone in the bathroom. Can you please pass it on to me?” A very wrong question to be asked to a guy who is busy peeing I tell you.

“Maybe you can take it later.” He said with an accent. And the heart races!

If I were who I am in my head I would have taken this opportunity and noted down his number right away! But some imaginary ring in my finger stopped me.

As so-not-expected the guy initiated a conversation the next day. I obliged. I had to. He is too extraordinary to be ignored. So here I was…talking to an International Desi. A desi becomes exotic the moment he steps on a foreign soil. Somehow the looks, the gait, the accent, the gestures, the smile, the laugh….every damn thing about a guy changes the moment he lands overseas. I had to steer him clear of any dating possibility and his disappointment was evident.

It was another rainy afternoon when he was talking to our yoga teacher about marriage. Apparently, the oh-it’s-so-difficult-to-keep-my-hands-off-you desi guy was in his early thirties and still in search of ‘true love’ and a ‘good girl’. He seemed to just walk out of some bollywood movie to me. Maybe he should stop watching those. The truth of life is that it is wayyy to difficult to find ‘true love’ and open your eyes dude!! Good girls are everywhere!

I interrupted “And why won’t you find a good girl?” (I wanted to propose my candidature but damn you Imaginary ring!)

“Umm.. I don’t know! Girls today are too ambitious and independent.” he said. I was shocked to hear that from a global desi who must’ve seen volumes of go-getting women abroad. If he thought that I wonder what desi men think!

“So? You can marry an independent girl. Can’t you?” I retaliated.

And then it dawned upon me…the truth of unmarried men! The ambition, the independence, the goals, the career…everything is turning the girls of this age un-marry-able.

I went through all the texts on our all-career-girls whatsapp group (the closest gang I have). We just spoke about the freedom, independence, career, goals, life….that’s it! No guy talks… EVER! Yes, we are independent, career-oriented, ambitious, free-bird. We are shrewd, smart, wise, beautiful. We are women! I don’t see a problem with that!

Men complain women won’t leave their careers to build up a family. Well, we do adjust but surely cannot leave our careers. Well, here is a question…WILL YOU? It is not wrong to be ambitious about ones career, right? If men can be ambitious so can women be! I feel it is completely wrong on a man’s part to expect his partner to take care of the household. Equal opportunities. Equal duties. Equal responsibilities. (I do not say Women are Equal to Men. We are definitely superior.)

Anyway, all of a sudden I found the women categorized into 2 groups – The marriage material and the unmarriageable ones. Unfortunately, all the women running behind their careers fall in the second category and hence they are sort of…unreachable (I think it is unattainable really).

I have no clue why men would have a problem marrying ambitious women. Whether it goes against their male ego or if they feel threatened and intimidated by the presence of the independent ladies. All I want to say is…this is going to be the rule now - Equality of responsibilities. Anyway the ‘marriage material’ ladies already have their face book walls full of the Wedding pictures but the un-marry-able ones are ruling the world! ;)

Ant v/s Grasshopper

A forward I received a few days ago. Wonderful story. Whoever wrote it is brilliant. Not that I have a problem with the reservation system (I feel reservation should be purely based on financial ability). I feel I have a problem with the entire caste system itself. It ceases to make any sense to me anymore. Someone is Shudra just because it is written somewhere. Humanity should win....after all.... We are nothing in front of the Almighty. I feel the caste system is the root cause of all the problems around. Discrimination in case of caste, creed, language, borders, complexion etc. I wish to live in a world with no borders and no visa requirements; a world where you can go from USA to Turkey just for a cup of tea without having to go through the visa tiff. My heart pains to see the discrimination at times. My wish is soo never coming to reality.

P.S: Purely what I feel.

Here goes the forward.

OLD STORY:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

RESERVATION VERSION:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities. Amnesty International, UN, EU and World Human Rights Organisations criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ' Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'. Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter. Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV. Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'. Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '. CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '. Ban Ki Moon invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later.....
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley. 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India.

AND
As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,
India is still a developing country!!!

Just Another Forward

Something I received.. Don't know how much of it Is true.
Masterpiece on economics..

One day a tourist comes to the only hotel in a debt ridden town in a country. He lays a 100 dollar note on the table & goes to inspect the rooms. Hotel owner takes the note & rushes to pay his debt to the butcher. Butcher runs to pay the pig farmer. Pig farmer runs to pay the feed supplier. Supplier runs to pay the prostitute, who in these hard times gave her services on credit. Prostitute then runs to pay off her debt to the hotel owner for the rooms she rented for her clients. Hotel owner then lays the 100 dollar note back on the counter. The tourist comes down, takes his money & leaves as he did not like the rooms.
No one earned anything. But the town is now without debt & looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that is how the world is doing business today!