Sleepless in Seattle - Part 18 - What does not kill you now might kill you soon...

It's been a while since I have smiled. I am too tired of applying for a job, getting rejected, talking to recruiters, getting shut down by them, giving interviews, rescheduling them 100 times, waiting for the results, getting shut down again... and again... and again. And the cycle continues. As if this was not enough I am tired of my ever-threatening love life too. Life is never a walk in the park after all.

I always thought I was above average despite all my failures. I did fail but then always surprised everyone with amazing results later on. I always got the best job, best internship, top-notch school... everything had gone well so far. I must have failed innumerable times in life (flunked 20 interviews since March 2016. Hence proved). There have been times when I have wanted to give up... on everything.. be it my relationships, studying, coursework, exams. But something always made me hold the strings tight, something never let me quit, something told me to go one extra mile, showed me a ray of hope. But let's face it... that was a long time ago. I have never been afraid of failures and that I think was my strength. But now... one more failure and the pieces I am in right now will be powdered by a road-roller. I will never be able to gather myself; it is hard enough right now.

For today... I am totally let down by that 'something'. The ambition that brought me so far, that made me invest so much of money in myself, made me dream of the wonders of the world has vanished somewhere. I no more see the spark in me. I have lost all the willpower to succeed in life. Life has played its move and is waiting for me to play my next... or rather dodge the one it played. Frankly speaking, I have lost all the will to even play the game no more. I do not wish to face the wrath of life anymore. Everyone around me says I am turning negative... well... little do they know why.

My moods have changed greatly. I no longer want to talk to people for I only speak negative. When I read the word 'optimism' I do not understand what it means. I shout at every living thing because of stress. I obviously have given up on God too. I firmly believe he does not exist and cares shit about me at least. If he cared even a little bit my worries and fears would have ended a long time ago. I would have been happier if God existed. My roommates are worried about me. Yesterday, one of them looked at me and said, "I am afraid of you being so worried" and I did not know how to react. This coming from a girl who sees me only once every week owing to crazy schedules. I bet she thinks she will have to call 911 some day. Well, I think the same.

The only guy I have ever loved cares a fuck about me. He has been lying to me for the past 2 years. That has made me feel that my relationship was a sham. It was nothing more than an encounter to him while I was drowned in love. I recently discovered the plethora of lies he spoke under the pretext of 'not hurting me' and I feel disgusted. No kidding. No exaggeration. Unfortunately, I even know when he lies to me which makes it even worse. I have never been fond of liars and hence I am deeply hurt. Despite the fact that everything has ended between us I just did not want to feel betrayed. But now I do. I still wish for us to be together because that is what love is! The relationship has been rough since forever. I should have never taken him back... when he came back from Chicago, or from Atlanta, or from India, or just after every casual fight. I gave him opportunities... many of them... to hurt me...just adding to the list of my failures. And look where my love life has left me! My rock bottom has hit new depths. Now there is rock bottom, 10000 feet of crap, 100000000 feet of shit...and then me. There is no way out. There is no ray of hope. I could gather myself to write this blog purely because I took 3 anti-depressants before leaving for work. I could hardly think straight before that. June is going to be the worst month of my life... hands down. I will be shocked if I survive it.

They say 'Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.'... believe me... my shit is killing me. It might as well kill me literally. I hope I get out of this soon enough... till my next blog post. I have become strong enough now... however, it will be great if life does not try to push me down further or I might soon reach the core of the earth.

Current mood: Life is crap
Current thought: God/Higher power does not exist. Don't take any more anti-depressants.
Current song: Love the way you lie

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 15 - Happy realization

It was a little past 5 PM. She went to the kitchen to make coffee. He wanted one. His wish was her command. She also knew he wanted her to leave. He had 'given time' to 'someone' at 7 PM. He did not really look at the clock while she was around but somehow she sensed he wanted her to leave. They were together since 10 AM in the morning. Not a long time actually... but it felt long enough to her... even to someone who loved him from the bottom of her heart... to someone who prayed to be with him forever... to someone who had always put him before everything else in the world.

She wanted to please him... like she always had... So she decided to do the dishes and clean the messy kitchen. It was a huge pile of dishes but she was adamant. She kept the coffee on the stove top and she started doing the dishes. He was busy watching 'Shameless'. He called her a couple of times to check on her. She heard it but chose to ignore for the sheer reason of pleasing him with clean dishes. So much for love. And this was when she realised...

WHAT THE FUCK had she done to herself!!! She had literally lost everything to him and this 'relationship'. Her peace of mind, her mind... everything. She analyzed her life... No job, no peace of mind, no money, no life, no health... absolutely nothing... and she tried to find solace in a broken relationship. Something so shattered, that it will surely not last long. Or maybe it will. Her heart refused to let go... to let go off a relationship that she had invested everything in. She could let go because she did not want to...and could not lose hope... For a second the thought of doing all this to some other guy crossed her mind and she could not think further. Her mind froze. The kind of bonding, attachment and emotions that she had with him..... she did not know if she could replicate. Moreover, she did not know how to replicate it. She could not 'transfer' the attachment from this guy to the next... it is impossible. She knows she cannot get involved with anyone else the same way. She was not programmed for that. She is sure it cannot happen... will not happen...

Of course, this was not the first time this thought had crossed her mind. They were incapable of staying apart. They were addicted to each other. She knew the relationship was bad for her but she did not want to leave. She had fallen heads over heels in love with him and giving up on a relationship was not her thing. She had risked everything for him and now it was too late for them to leave. She wondered how he could leave her, walk away and settle down with someone else. She wondered how she would settle down with someone else when she had to. It is not easy to walk away from love, is it?

She had fallen in love before but this was different. This never started as love, never started as a relationship, was never a commitment, was never 'real' for the world. The relationship lived only in rumors. They never even spoke about it for the fear of freaking out the other partner.

It obviously pained her every time he mentioned that he is going to marry someone else. They knew their relationship was going to be a short one... but 2 years is a fairly long time. This lasted more than their past relationships. She prayed to God for him every day..... obviously, God has no plans of fulfilling her wish.

Current thought: Given up

Current mood: Thakaa-Haara

Current song: Govinda Govinda

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 14 - Iss pyaar ko main kya naam du?

Yes, I am buried deep the ground right now. So deep that no earthquake can bring me to the surface. No love life, no sex life, no money, no job, a hell lot of taxes to pay, useless coffee...and even my contact lenses are not letting me write this blog post. Basically, nothing is right. I have adopted a new way of living life now. I am going to laugh at whatever bad happens to me. I have started that since today morning..and hopefully will be able to continue that. Having said that nothing has changed - except for the amount of taxes that I was supposed to pay - from $450 it has conveniently jumped to $1450... thanks to something forgettable called 'state tax'! While I was trying to laugh at my condition I came across this weird and unspoken love story...

The guy and the girl have been in a *casual relationship* for the past 2 years (Wwwhhhhaaaaattttt!? LOL). They are obviously addicted to each other and are wondering how and when to let go of each other. The guy is sure that he does not want to marry her and the girl is sure that she wants to marry only him. Both of them are bound to each other at all levels. They have found the perfect companion in each other. They do not have this burning desire to get married to anyone else but they do want to at some point in time. Their relationship is much more than just sexual... they are emotionally attached too. They cook together, they fight with each other, they get upset with each other often, they have ego clashes... they even like to just lay back and watch tv together and find solace in each other's arms.

Question: How casual is it when emotional attachment exists?

There is nothing *casual* about the relationship if two people have been together for so long. I wonder when they would realize that they are in love.

He, with his tough exterior, says he cannot 'connect' with anyone emotionally since she is around. She is sure that she will never ever be able to connect with anyone the way they have connected. It was lust at first sight for them. They were never friends before who fell for each other. Everything was so instant.

I am sort of analyzing their relationship now. So they are sort of dating and living together for a few hours. They make sure they spend time together. Because of all the sex, they are definitely not *just friends*. The bond is definitely deeper. They have come a long way. I mean... I was very serious in my last relationship and despite that it lasted only for a year and a half. Here, both of them will have to marry someone else for some unknown reason. If they are still together there should be a reason. For me, they are two people who are crazy in love with each other but do not want to admit... for the fear of losing each other.. or for the fear of parents... or for the fear of life. I cannot figure that out.

I wonder if the couple (if I may say so) has even contemplated getting married to each other. Maybe they did... or maybe they didn't. I have no clue. But they definitely should... because maybe they are meant to be together... or maybe they are not... only time will tell.

Current thought: I hope they end up together

Current Mood: I hate paying taxes

Current song: Same old Love

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 13 - Whatever happened to the 'peace of mind'...

I am at a stage where crying is like breathing... unfortunately, this is not even an exaggeration. Life sucks, literally. Giving up is not an option and committing suicide is really difficult (really!). It's so difficult that I have actually given up on the thought almost.
Spent the last 3 hours trying to read crap about ROI. Obviously, I ended up crying and hence could discuss nothing with my team-mate over the meeting.
I tried to calm myself down by trying to meditate.. obviously, I ended up crying. I tried to calm myself down by listening to 'Aigiri Nandini'... but that didn't really help either.
I want to go back to my calm self - the way I was days after my India trip. When I thought nothing could bog me down (that was before my ears gave up on me and I lost my hearing for a while). That state of mind was good... before someone re-re-re-re walked into my life again. I was lesser messed up then... much lesser messed up than I am right now.
But that is not even the worst part of my life right now. The worst part are the games that my brain has been playing with me. The negative thoughts, the negative contemplations, the fear of losing the people I love, the fear of losing in life (not that I have succeeded anytime), the fear of the pain... and so much more. The truth is that I cannot see myself like this anymore.
I know what my problem is... I have been giving importance to unimportant people and events. And this has not been a recent issue. I am sure all of us give importance to unwanted and undeserving people and situations in our lives, in turn devastating our peace of mind. Well, my peace of mind is gone. Keep yours safe!
I know what the solution is...to know the future or the ability to predict the future. Or maybe already knowing how life is going to shape up so that we do not break out heads thinking about it. Waiting for that to happen.
Finally, I just decided to go with the flow for a week. I wanna see how life shapes out when I try to keep calm.

Current thought: Someone please do my homework
Current mood: I wanna die
Current song: Aigiri Nandini

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 12 - When the world comes crashing down

I have been contemplating this post for a really long time. But something or the other cropped up.

Career: My situation is very weird right now. The job market was down for a while. I have been getting interview calls since it has been up and running but nothing has materialized. In fact, despite interview calls, weird things have been happening like recruiters have been forgetting to call me on the scheduled time. And this has happened 4 times!!
Referrals are not working. People have asked me to search for an array of positions instead of the high-flying ones. I have been doing that... though unhappily.
Freaking hell, I am here for a reason. I have not spent 2 years of my life and a half a crore Rs on my life over nothing. My brain refuses to settle for less. Though I believe I will have to.
The funny part is I don't even have time to seek the best. Just 2 months to graduate.

Family: Papa passed away. I have been crying ever since. He was unwell for a long time but I still expected him to keep going until the end of this year. We tried our level best but could not save him. None can replace him.. obviously.. he was an amazing person. I miss him like crazy. The worst part is that I could not even see him for one last time. I was not around when he left us. I could not even see his rites. Cons of not living with your family.

Love: Love life sucks. It does not exist.

Twitter: Been tweeting a lot.

Social life: Starting today I am going back to my shell. No Human Interaction Zone. That's the only way out. No partying, no dating, no talking to people... nothing that will disturb me.

Life overall: SUCKS big time. I do not need a reason to cry. Now that I think of it this situation has continued from October end. Life sucks really bad. I am developing suicidal tendency. I even googled that but apparently dying isn't that easy either. Never mind! I cannot stop expecting out of life and people and so this misery. I am on my way to either crawl under the bed and die or gain more than I can handle. The former looks more probable.

Current thought: I wanna die
Current song: I wanna die
Current mood: I wanna die