Over think-ing!

So I reached office unusually early today and had breakfast on time too (which happened after 7 months maybe). I was constantly reminding myself to be extremely humble to everyone (mom asked me to be- blame it on my bad horoscope). So… we were at the breakfast table and I told this to my cubie. I told her how my pearl (which is supposed to suppress my anger) has not really been working at all. I have been acting like a volcano quite literally and am sort of fed up of it. She said, “But when do you get angry?? I cannot believe that you do!” Well, I was very happy that she thought so high of me but I had no way of explaining my idiotic behavior to her. Anyway, the day progressed.

I was trying to concentrate on my ‘almost no work’ when I decided to enter the bad world (read: office communicator). I’ve kept away from it for a lot of reasons. Primarily because I wanted to keep to myself. It’s irritating at times to entertain people you’ve been running away from (long list for me). Somehow I ended up logging in and pinging a close friend of mine. I had to blurt things out. A lot has been bothering me these days. Life is not really rosy. So anyway, just when I thought I was feeling good about myself my cubie said, “Chalo, chocolates leke aaye. X is leaving today.”

I looked at her in horror. This was the nth guy who was leaving my wing in the past few weeks. My wing has witnessed at least one ‘Last working day - Sweets at my desk’ every week in the past few weeks. This week had been marked too. I had met X at the Indian ocean concert. I checked my mail box to see if he had invited me. There lied the 2 emails… ‘Last day at work’ and ‘Sweets at my desk – FCFS!’.

We went to see him. Yes, I took 2 extra chocolates (as usual). I tried to talk to him like this…

“Congrats. Where to?”, I asked with a super sad face somehow.

“Bangalore.”

“So, you had appeared for all those exams?” (P.S: I had no idea what those exams are.)

“Yes.” He said this as he was attending a prank call from his regional friends.

My cubie entered the conversation asking if he joined as a PO. I had no idea what it was. I realized that I had no knowledge about any other sector. But it is okay. As if I had a lot of knowledge about the sector I was working for I thought.

While returning to my desk I shared one of the 3 picked up chocolates with my senior (works as a bribe so that he does not give me work).  I reached my second home. I found myself staring at his ‘Last day email’. I wonder why I was so shocked! I guess I was more worried than shocked. Not because another person I knew was leaving but because I had no idea about my future. I saw dreams, worked for them, and that’s it. I haven’t really seen a ray of hope yet. My nerves felt tensed. My future was in darkness. Probably that is what has been bothering me so much for the last few days I thought. I had been a mobile volcano for the last few days and felt the most miserable in ages. Miserable, helpless, whatever you call it.

The uncertainties were bothering me. My plans have been completely random for the past few months – from deciding to get married to deciding against it to planning to study to pursuing random crushes… it has all been super random. My life can as well be the new definition of random.

Suddenly, I found myself worrying about the pani puri from the FC. Time was running out and it would be finished soon. I decided to run towards my new goal. And I missed out on that too; it was over by the time I started pursuing it. I returned disappointed to find that I did not really have much work to do. So I decided to go a little extra mile and wrote a user story for a scenario not covered. Ofcourse I was happy about it.

My boss came over. I showed him that scenario (since I had used my brains for it). I asked him my doubts (I am sure he will remember me forever as his most doubt-full team member). And he told me that the extra scenario I had written would only spoil the estimate and was unwanted. I was disappointed again since that was the only story I had used my rotting brain for! He told me that I had over-thought about the scenario and that I needed to stop thinking at all.

He was right. I had over thought a lot. Not just about the scenario but about life too. I had been super tensed over the past few days for all sorts of reasons. I had always been an inch away from crying because of the uncertainty which was not all that bad. I saw dreams, worked for it, and had done whatever I could have. I had played well and the ball was in God’s court now… or luck’s court… or in whomsoever it may concern’s court. I just have to keep calm and wait for the ball to be thrown back at me. Then I could both stand dumb and let it hit me right on my face or be prepared and hit it back wonderfully. I decided not to think and keep calm.

I realized the power of ‘over thinking’. It has all the power to wipe off sanity and let all the bad thoughts flow. It just makes you miserable. It makes you wonder…and wonder…till you start thinking negative and cry about the whole situation (unnecessarily). The hypothetical thinking does not really work well at times. Sometimes, I feel it is better not to think at all rather than over-think. That was not going to help me in my scenarios though.

Anyway, I deleted that scenario, saved the document and shut down my computer. I thought it was time for me to live and let live my brain too. I realized my misery flew away in no time after I stopped over-thinking. And, of course I realized that my pearl had not stopped working after all.

HIM v/s HER

I heard the door bell. The kaamwali bai worked as an alarm clock for me for the past 2 years. I looked around. He slept peacefully. I gave him a peck and got up to welcome the bai.

We were on the breakfast table. I buttered the bread for him. He hid behind the paper. I had kept the gift beside his plate. He did not notice. It was Valentine’s Day and our 2^nd year anniversary. I knew he had forgotten, like the engagement ring on the day of our engagement and the restaurant bookings on our first wedding anniversary.  He asked for fruit juice. I asked him to fetch it from the fridge. There lied another gift, his favorite pack of rum chocolates wrapped in a shining silver paper so that he doesn’t miss it. This strategy would also help him see the ‘I love you’ note on the refrigerator door. He walked to the refrigerator, opened it, looked for the fruit juice and calmly walked back to the table. He had missed the chocolates too.

I was amazed by his lack of attention. How could he miss 3 straight clues? I decided to ask him straight. 

“Honey, what plans today?”

 “Oh! I forgot to tell you. We have to go to my boss’s dinner party tonight. Be ready by 7. I’ll send the car” He said as he picked up the briefcase and walked towards the door. I followed him. He kissed me on my forehead as usual and left.

I hoped that the boss’s party was all a cover up and something better was on the plate. I checked my phone calendar. “Rohan’s Boss’s party at 7 PM today. Wear something black!” it said. I was not worried about the boring party though. I was sure he would read the note that I had left for him in the lunch box. And he would definitely see his emails. I had written a love email for him. I decided to wait for his call.

It was 2 PM and he hadn’t called yet. I decided to check on him. He couldn’t have missed the email and letter both! I decided to start the conversation with the mutter paneer that I cooked.

“Hey hon. How was the lunch? Was the sabzi okay?”                                                                         

“Oh hi.. Umm… I haven’t really had lunch yet. No time. I have been jumping from one meeting to another. And then I had to go to this meeting with the caterer for tonight’s party. I was too full after the tasting thing itself. I’ll eat it after this meeting maybe and let you know? I am sure it would be awesome as always. How have you been? Had lunch?”

“Yea.. Had.. Was just about to leave for the classes now. So… lot of work?”

“Oh yes! So much of work I tell you. Imagine my assistant hasn’t been able to get my account unlocked yet. It’s all a mess. Anyway, be ready at 7. See ya.”

“Okay, bye. Love you.”                                                                              

He had cut the call before he could hear the ‘love you’ part. So the letter in the lunch box and email were a bad idea. I should have done a feasibility analysis before planning for the gifts. My Valentine’s Day and 2^nd Wedding Anniversary were now effectively ruined.

**************************************************************************

 She woke me up with a peck as usual. Today was our anniversary and the Valentine’s Day, a day I had been planning for since a long time now.

We were at the breakfast table. Not wishing her was a part of my plan. It would be too routine to wake her up with a gift I thought. I wanted to surprise her. I knew she would be thinking about the engagement ring and the missed out dinner reservation. But I really wanted an exquisite ring for her and so I had chosen a platinum-diamond ring from the catalogue. The jewelry store guy promised me the ring one day before the engagement but he did not keep his word. Thank God for my cousin who picked up the ring right when we were about to exchange rings. None knows this though. Another cousin of mine covered up the whole ring thing saying that I had forgotten it in my car. I have been labeled as ‘forgetful’ ever since. And I had not forgotten the hotel dinner reservations either. I had just goofed up again and booked tables at the wrong hotel! These hotels sound so similar at times. The hotel I booked for just had a ‘Grande’ after its name (and I was asked to book a hotel which was not ‘Grande’ of course)! Yes, she still remembers that as one of the few ‘most embarrassing moments’ of her life. We had to wait for an hour for the dinner table that day. It was bad only because it was out first wedding anniversary.

She buttered toast for breakfast as usual. She kept a small gift beside my plate. I had spotted it long time ago. While I hid myself behind the paper I was wondering if it was the cuff-links that I had my eye on.  She asked me to fetch fruit juice for us from the refrigerator. I saw the ‘I love you’ note as I walked toward the fridge. That brought a beautiful smile on my face. But I chose not to react. I saw the box of chocolates neatly wrapped in a silver paper. I knew they were the rum chocolates I loved. That was three gifts straight. But I chose not to respond and go with my plan. I left soon after.

My extremely inefficient assistant escorted me to the meeting room as soon as I reached work. She had not been able to get my email box unlocked since last night. String of meetings followed. Some stupid people want me to sit through and analyze everything they say, which was crap! I had arranged for a surprise Anniversary party in the evening for our close friends. Yes! My boss’s party was a lie. I knew she would doubt so I had synced our calendars to it. I wanted her to wear something black. The diamond set that I was going to gift her later in the evening would go perfectly with that. I had to visit the hotel in the afternoon for the wine and food tasting. I had missed appointments with them earlier so I had to make it that afternoon. The food was going to be awesome. Everything on the menu was her favorite. And so I had missed lunch. She called up enquire about it and I couldn’t lie. So I just told her the truth with some major data hiding. I was in the hotel and the manager was approaching me with the cake designs as I was talking to her. I hanged up immediately when the manager started to talk. I think I missed her ‘love you’ part.  Never mind, she shall know tonight that I loved her too.

*******************************************************************************

It was 7 pm. The car arrived. She wore his favorite Black dress. With no faith at all in her husband she got into the car. She arrived at the hotel. ‘His boss is a big shot’ she thought. She entered the party hall. The hall was lit with beautiful, dim, romantic lights. He walked towards her and said “Happy Anniversary honey.” The cake arrived. She was pleasantly shocked. He gifted her the diamond set that she always wanted. It went perfectly with her black dress as he had thought. Her Valentine’s Day was not as bad as she thought it was. In fact, it was perfect.