Sleepless in Seattle - Part 19 - Shell'd up me

I have been on 4 arranged marriage dates till date and none of them has worked out. None of them even holds a future. I have also had a number of google hangouts of which none of them are going to work out either. I fail to know if it is my problem or it's something else.

I have this protective shell around me that cannot be brought down by anyone (maybe not even my ex). There is this shield around me that I do not allow anyone to penetrate. If anyone tries to flirt with me I shot them down immediately and in a very rude manner. I know that's wrong. As an eligible bachelorette I should talk to men… but I just don’t want to. Maybe it is because I am just a month and a half out of my breakup and all bitter right now. Maybe I have lost trust in all men and have started thinking that I am never going to get the love of my life and hence, it does not even matter who I get married to. It just doesn’t matter.

It's true that I still want him back despite all the horrible things he has done to me. I still spent the entire last weekend crying and I die a little every day every time I think of him with her. I just cannot feel happy about it. A friend of mine asked me to accept the fact and move on. But that is just impossible. I cannot accept it and moving on is still beyond the horizon. I am definitely getting there though.

I am trying hard to move on. I am meeting guys, who would not fit my dating bucket ever, for arranged marriage. I am putting myself out there because I know that if I don’t put myself out there none can cut through my shell. If I do not deem myself vulnerable none will be able to touch the air around me. Let's face it… I am never going to fall for anyone in my life now and my marriage might just as well be a compromise in my mind. I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen though. I also downloaded those crazy dating apps. I know nothing is going to work…but… whatever.

I am so glad I am not a vampire. Ek lifetime ka love life nahi sambhal raha… I would have gone crazy with eternity by my side.

Current thought: Where is all the love?

Current mood: Drunken monkey

Current song: Something in the way you move…

#NoteToSelf Always make a list

Life is funny...life has been funny...really really funny.
I have amazing set of friends, super amazing and remarkably big family, amazing job with a big brand (I would have loved to have more money...but ah well!) and life is finally being nice to me (Except in the love department... of course, I don't have one anymore). So finally I can help everyone else clear some fog in their head and see things better and more realistically.

Are you not satisfied with your job but cannot switch because it is secure and pays well? Have you been unable to decide what kind of a partner you want? Have you been switching careers too often? Have you been unable to decide what city to live in? Do you want to travel but cannot because of stupid reasons? Read on....

Make a list. Make several lists. They can be of the following categories to start with (you can add your own too and leave them in the comments section) -

1. Things you absolutely want - This is your bucket list. List all the things you absolutely want to do in life. The list can include things you are passionate about, things you want to do at any cost, things that you cannot alter, and must do's in life.
For example, Visiting 25 countries, getting published by the time you are 30, writing a post every alternate day etc.

2. Things you absolutely do not want - Make a list of things that you dislike/hate/find negative/cannot deal with/want to remove from your life etc. This list can have people, features, qualities or anything else on it. You will be surprised by this list.
For example, Low paying job, lack of fixed budget, impulsive spending habit etc.

3. Things that are important to you - This list may consist of people, different relations you want to maintain and so on.
For example, This list should consist of things that are absolutely essential for you in life viz - taking care of parents, helping someone out every time they need you, cooking for your friends etc.

4. Positives - Make a list of things that are positive in your life. Read this list every time you are down.
For example, Degree from an Ivy League school, good job, confidence etc.

5. Negatives - Make a list of things that are negative in your life. Try to change these. This list is different from the list no. 2 because these are things that you may/may not control and/or wish to change.
For example, Negative thinking, judging people etc.

6. Nice to have's - Make a list of things that would be nice if done but you should not be hungover if they do not happen.
For example, Big boobs etc.

After you are done with the creation of lists weigh them against each other and decide the sacrifices that you are ready to make. You will realize what you really want and the revelations will be pretty shocking. It will help change your attitude and priorities in life. It will really help you sort your life and help you focus on things that you really should be doing.

Hope this helps! Suggestions and Comments are welcome!

Current thought: I need some coffee
Current mood: Wake up and smell coffee
Current song: N/A