#lessonsoflife - Part 1

You know how I never understand hidden jokes and meanings. This year I have finally learnt the new hidden/implied meanings of a few sentences -

I'll never leave you - I will leave you at the very first instance I get and never come back.
For future reference - because we do not have a future together.
Let's be friends - This is just a closing statement. Please don't take this seriously. And stop bugging me.
I like you - Really Really Not.
I'll never ditch you - I will ditch you and hope you won't find out. Also, I will deny ditching you if you do find out.
It's not you. Its me - It's not me. I am perfect. It's obviously you.
I didn't know how to tell you that - I did not want to tell you but now that you have found out yourself.. Ah Well!
Can I get back to you on this one? - Polite way of saying No. I am probably going to get back to you in a while and say No.
I didn't mean to hurt you - I don't care if this hurts you. Could not have cared less.
There are grey areas in life - I know it's either black or white. I don't care enough to tell you what it is.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 23 - When you reach dangerously new level of freedom

So, it's been a while since I have been single and living alone. And the world is now unfolding in front of me. I now see the pros of being single and I am so happy with enlisting those that I do not see the cons part of it.
I have realized that I do not need a guy to drunk text. I do not need a guy/anyone to be around to be around to drink/smoke/have fun. I am very capable of enjoying myself to the hilt without being taken care of.
I have grown into the fact that I can spend time on my own.There are zillion things to do and I can do all of them alone. I think if you are an independent and strong woman there is hardly anything that you cannot do alone.
I have grown up to realize that I do not need support in life. I do not need 'emotional support' or a shoulder to cry on. I support myself the best anyway.
I don't need a guy to touch me, to love me to make me feel beautiful. I am beautiful in my own way. I am happy and content the way I am. Gone are the days when I used to wear the clothes 'he' liked and looked 'beautiful' for him. I don't think anyone has set any standards for 'beautiful' anyway. You look beautiful when you are happy with yourself. I am happy with myself and hence I think I look really beautiful in a sports bra and shorts maybe or even a really long and loose T-shirt with hair all messed up. I look beautiful to me and that's all matters.
I have decided to enjoy every moment of my life and live every moment to the fullest. Because I can and I want to. I am going to spend as much money as required to have my share of fun. I party my weekends away and smoke away my concerts because I can and it suits me well. I like to have fun and I always will. There is no stopping me and, certainly, am not answerable to anyone. It's all about how I want to live my life and none else has a say in it.
I am totally at peace with myself. I have found my center. I do not care a shit about what others think of me of my actions. I am in complete control of my actions and desires. My emotions don't overpower me. I have super clear thoughts and I know what I want. A few months ago, I was afraid of not getting what I wanted... but that thought no more scares me. I am so at peace with myself and my thoughts and my desires that I know what I want but achieving or not achieving what I want no longer affects me in any way. #mebecool

The funny part is... I am not even afraid of being stopped because I am in complete control of myself and only I control my gears.

The following picture is the best depiction of my current thought and mood -

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 22 - Moving on

'I am moving on'.... these 4 words made him weak in his knees and the forbidden to happen. Never mind...

Coming out of my relationship hasn't been easy. Especially since we were inseparable for the past 2 years. The addiction and habit were stronger than expected. He moved on and so I had to start my attempts too. The baby steps I took were as below -

1. Watching Netflix alone - Everything I'd every watched on television was with him by my side. Initially, even the thought of watching TV alone made me cry. So, I started my life by mustering enough courage to watch Netflix alone. So far so good on that front.

2. Change your habits - Obviously, everything reminded me of him. So I decided to alter my memories. I started by doing things alone...like... drinking by myself, smoking up alone, taking a bath alone(I know! But I am talking about a bath in the bathtub with candles lit) and so on. I am trying to do everything I did with him all by myself so that I don't have his memories attached to those things anymore.
For a really long time, I could not even listen to Ellie Goulding or Katy Perry or Drake or Justin Bieber by myself. Even the thought of those songs made me cry. So, I started listening to those songs on social occasions/events and with different places. That helped me alter my memories attached to them. However, here #theStruggleIsReal

3. Distractions - I am heavily relied on my hobbies to keep me occupied since my friends aren't that awesome. I've started keeping my mind occupied all the time.
I read a book on my way to work and back. Working hours are busy and so I don't need distractions there.
After work, I have started working out. Nike Training Club Rocks! Now, I prefer to die of extreme exertion than think about him and sulk.
I am determined to get engrossed in TV and finish a few TV series that I am watching currently. If the episode isn't good enough I try to read a book or something while TV plays in the background so that my mind does not wander into unwanted territories.
I also sleep really early for my age. 9:30 PM is when I put myself to sleep. The struggle is real here because there are days when I gulp down 7 shots of Coffee and that changes my sleep cycle. So, I stay conscious about my coffee-drinking habits.
Weekends are mostly forgettable. However, I am trying to go out for photo-walks more often and I have decided not to say 'No' to any plan anymore.
After reading 'The power of Habit" I have realized that changing my cues and habits is going to be the best way out.

4. The Prospective Grooms - With capital 'P' and 'G'. The list of prospectives is growing. It's time I actually start filtering guys out. I want to reject them all. However, parents have become increasingly strict about that. Hence, I no more have the authority to reject guys for stupid reasons. God knows who I am going to end up with. Initially, I found it difficult to even talk to other guys, purely because I still wanted him back... maybe I still do... but whatever. But now, it's been better. Let's see how that goes.

I guess I am moving on well. I amused myself by tweeting the following the other day -

I loved you good. I moved on better.

If 'moving on' was a game... I aced it!

Current thought: 15 mins before I have to absolutely start getting ready.
Current song: Dil dhadakne Do
Current mood: Sleepy

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 21 - My security blanket

Addiction of every kind is bad. Being addicted to a person is the worst of all. I am trying hard to 'de-addict' myself. If that is even a word and is a possibility. There have been relapses but I am doing better. Or so I think.

I have hardly watched an entire movie in the last 2 years with him, or even a television series for that matter.

Why? Because I couldn’t help sleeping off. Be it 'Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya' or 'Shameless' I have slept off watching every one of them.

Why? Because I could not resist sleeping on his shoulders/in his arms.

Why? Because he was my security blanket and I loved/love him.

It feels really weird to even watch Television alone or to even read a book. There is this void that the loss of my security blanket has created and I doubt if anyone can fill that. Teddy bears don’t really help. There is this feeling of emptiness all the time. Maybe my brain is still trying to get out of the habit of not having him around or maybe I was always a lone wolf and never realized that.

I wonder why I even need a security blanket on the first place! I am an adult, have a job, can pay my own bills (maybe), have an amazing family, good friends… I am a strong (LOL), self-made and an independent woman! I don’t know what's missing! Or maybe I do. Let's face it…life is going to suck for a while without him and without my security blanket. I either have to search for a new one or learn to sleep without it. I have decided to choose the latter.

Current mood: Weird

Current thought: Why can't I be secure and happy?

Current song: None

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 20 - Mind is a drunken monkey

After the moving was done we all decided to go to Earl's for a drink. I thought I would go home after a cocktail or two. Unfortunately, my friend could not find her ID and hence we ended up drinking at home, again. It was whiskey, again. And I messed up, again.

I had blocked him from my phone, WhatsApp and everywhere else. I have no clue how and why I managed to unblock him and text him. A lot. Obviously, I told him that I loved him, wanted him back and wrote down every thought I was trying to curb and bury in my brain.

I am so disappointed with myself. I was trying to put a brave face all this while, pretended to be super strong and happy. I thought my mind was stronger than this. I don’t know what I am more sorry about… about messaging him or relapsing into my old self. I am really really disappointed and disgusted at myself right now. I cease to feel like myself since Saturday. I wonder if I should call him and apologize! But knowing him, I am sure he expected me to do rant. Also, knowing him, it is best for me to never get in touch with him again. I am sure he hates me for all those messages and is super pissed. I am shocked he hasn’t killed me yet. I should expect that any time since he even knows the security code to my building.

Obviously, I haven't moved on. Maybe, I never will. I don’t know how long it is going to be before I can even think of some other guy. My best friend asked me to get into a rebound relationship but that is not a good option. Neither is CMB, Dil Mil or Tinder. I just need to be alone for a while I think and muster all courage to move on. Never thought I would be hungover over a guy so much. Also, I figured I should never have whiskey again since it messes my head every time.

Current song: Just some random tune. No clue which song.

Current thought: Sorry and disappointed

Current mood: Dark

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 19 - Shell'd up me

I have been on 4 arranged marriage dates till date and none of them has worked out. None of them even holds a future. I have also had a number of google hangouts of which none of them are going to work out either. I fail to know if it is my problem or it's something else.

I have this protective shell around me that cannot be brought down by anyone (maybe not even my ex). There is this shield around me that I do not allow anyone to penetrate. If anyone tries to flirt with me I shot them down immediately and in a very rude manner. I know that's wrong. As an eligible bachelorette I should talk to men… but I just don’t want to. Maybe it is because I am just a month and a half out of my breakup and all bitter right now. Maybe I have lost trust in all men and have started thinking that I am never going to get the love of my life and hence, it does not even matter who I get married to. It just doesn’t matter.

It's true that I still want him back despite all the horrible things he has done to me. I still spent the entire last weekend crying and I die a little every day every time I think of him with her. I just cannot feel happy about it. A friend of mine asked me to accept the fact and move on. But that is just impossible. I cannot accept it and moving on is still beyond the horizon. I am definitely getting there though.

I am trying hard to move on. I am meeting guys, who would not fit my dating bucket ever, for arranged marriage. I am putting myself out there because I know that if I don’t put myself out there none can cut through my shell. If I do not deem myself vulnerable none will be able to touch the air around me. Let's face it… I am never going to fall for anyone in my life now and my marriage might just as well be a compromise in my mind. I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen though. I also downloaded those crazy dating apps. I know nothing is going to work…but… whatever.

I am so glad I am not a vampire. Ek lifetime ka love life nahi sambhal raha… I would have gone crazy with eternity by my side.

Current thought: Where is all the love?

Current mood: Drunken monkey

Current song: Something in the way you move…

#NoteToSelf Always make a list

Life is funny...life has been funny...really really funny.
I have amazing set of friends, super amazing and remarkably big family, amazing job with a big brand (I would have loved to have more money...but ah well!) and life is finally being nice to me (Except in the love department... of course, I don't have one anymore). So finally I can help everyone else clear some fog in their head and see things better and more realistically.

Are you not satisfied with your job but cannot switch because it is secure and pays well? Have you been unable to decide what kind of a partner you want? Have you been switching careers too often? Have you been unable to decide what city to live in? Do you want to travel but cannot because of stupid reasons? Read on....

Make a list. Make several lists. They can be of the following categories to start with (you can add your own too and leave them in the comments section) -

1. Things you absolutely want - This is your bucket list. List all the things you absolutely want to do in life. The list can include things you are passionate about, things you want to do at any cost, things that you cannot alter, and must do's in life.
For example, Visiting 25 countries, getting published by the time you are 30, writing a post every alternate day etc.

2. Things you absolutely do not want - Make a list of things that you dislike/hate/find negative/cannot deal with/want to remove from your life etc. This list can have people, features, qualities or anything else on it. You will be surprised by this list.
For example, Low paying job, lack of fixed budget, impulsive spending habit etc.

3. Things that are important to you - This list may consist of people, different relations you want to maintain and so on.
For example, This list should consist of things that are absolutely essential for you in life viz - taking care of parents, helping someone out every time they need you, cooking for your friends etc.

4. Positives - Make a list of things that are positive in your life. Read this list every time you are down.
For example, Degree from an Ivy League school, good job, confidence etc.

5. Negatives - Make a list of things that are negative in your life. Try to change these. This list is different from the list no. 2 because these are things that you may/may not control and/or wish to change.
For example, Negative thinking, judging people etc.

6. Nice to have's - Make a list of things that would be nice if done but you should not be hungover if they do not happen.
For example, Big boobs etc.

After you are done with the creation of lists weigh them against each other and decide the sacrifices that you are ready to make. You will realize what you really want and the revelations will be pretty shocking. It will help change your attitude and priorities in life. It will really help you sort your life and help you focus on things that you really should be doing.

Hope this helps! Suggestions and Comments are welcome!

Current thought: I need some coffee
Current mood: Wake up and smell coffee
Current song: N/A

#NoteToSelf - Everything is created twice...

You know there are times when you get what you want...and don't get what you are doubtful about? Well... that's what happens to me. I've successfully gotten what I've wanted and successfully flunked in situations/interviews/relationships I have had doubts about even remotely.
For example - Whenever I got interviews I would look up the salaries on glassdoor and doubt the compensation or the culture of the company. As a result, none of those interviews worked out and I am still jobless. Also, I cleared the 5 loop rounds for an organization with flying colors because I had cleared the interviews in my head.When I stepped into that beautiful conference room overlooking the Rainier I knew I wanted to work there. However, for the 7th round I was doubtful about the analysis I had done and I flunked that round of interview. Hence, the eternal joblessness. Maybe I would have pulled it off if I had not doubted my work or myself.
It struck me that in my previous relationship that may have been what went wrong. I did have doubts about us. I always thought that he would go to someone else...and guess what? He did! I don't know if it is the power of our brain or destiny or mere co-incidences but whatever we think does happen in reality. If you think of it I am sure you would find a few of such incidences too.

Robin Sharma says -

"Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality."

Freaking hell! I believe him now. I don't know if this quote is also applicable to undoing the damage. I do not know if I can get a job or I can get him back in my life. I do not know. But I certainly want to see how things unravel. I am sure things will change once I change the way I think. I am trying to emerge stronger after my episode. The 'Day _ of being strong" series has started since Saturday and today is Day 5. Hopefully all will be well soon.

Also, please feel free to mention your escapades with this quote in the comment section of this post.

Current mood: Super sensitive

Current song: Da da dasse, Udta Punjab

Current thought: Fukat mei spent $10 at Chipotle.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 18 - What does not kill you now might kill you soon...

It's been a while since I have smiled. I am too tired of applying for a job, getting rejected, talking to recruiters, getting shut down by them, giving interviews, rescheduling them 100 times, waiting for the results, getting shut down again... and again... and again. And the cycle continues. As if this was not enough I am tired of my ever-threatening love life too. Life is never a walk in the park after all.

I always thought I was above average despite all my failures. I did fail but then always surprised everyone with amazing results later on. I always got the best job, best internship, top-notch school... everything had gone well so far. I must have failed innumerable times in life (flunked 20 interviews since March 2016. Hence proved). There have been times when I have wanted to give up... on everything.. be it my relationships, studying, coursework, exams. But something always made me hold the strings tight, something never let me quit, something told me to go one extra mile, showed me a ray of hope. But let's face it... that was a long time ago. I have never been afraid of failures and that I think was my strength. But now... one more failure and the pieces I am in right now will be powdered by a road-roller. I will never be able to gather myself; it is hard enough right now.

For today... I am totally let down by that 'something'. The ambition that brought me so far, that made me invest so much of money in myself, made me dream of the wonders of the world has vanished somewhere. I no more see the spark in me. I have lost all the willpower to succeed in life. Life has played its move and is waiting for me to play my next... or rather dodge the one it played. Frankly speaking, I have lost all the will to even play the game no more. I do not wish to face the wrath of life anymore. Everyone around me says I am turning negative... well... little do they know why.

My moods have changed greatly. I no longer want to talk to people for I only speak negative. When I read the word 'optimism' I do not understand what it means. I shout at every living thing because of stress. I obviously have given up on God too. I firmly believe he does not exist and cares shit about me at least. If he cared even a little bit my worries and fears would have ended a long time ago. I would have been happier if God existed. My roommates are worried about me. Yesterday, one of them looked at me and said, "I am afraid of you being so worried" and I did not know how to react. This coming from a girl who sees me only once every week owing to crazy schedules. I bet she thinks she will have to call 911 some day. Well, I think the same.

The only guy I have ever loved cares a fuck about me. He has been lying to me for the past 2 years. That has made me feel that my relationship was a sham. It was nothing more than an encounter to him while I was drowned in love. I recently discovered the plethora of lies he spoke under the pretext of 'not hurting me' and I feel disgusted. No kidding. No exaggeration. Unfortunately, I even know when he lies to me which makes it even worse. I have never been fond of liars and hence I am deeply hurt. Despite the fact that everything has ended between us I just did not want to feel betrayed. But now I do. I still wish for us to be together because that is what love is! The relationship has been rough since forever. I should have never taken him back... when he came back from Chicago, or from Atlanta, or from India, or just after every casual fight. I gave him opportunities... many of them... to hurt me...just adding to the list of my failures. And look where my love life has left me! My rock bottom has hit new depths. Now there is rock bottom, 10000 feet of crap, 100000000 feet of shit...and then me. There is no way out. There is no ray of hope. I could gather myself to write this blog purely because I took 3 anti-depressants before leaving for work. I could hardly think straight before that. June is going to be the worst month of my life... hands down. I will be shocked if I survive it.

They say 'Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.'... believe me... my shit is killing me. It might as well kill me literally. I hope I get out of this soon enough... till my next blog post. I have become strong enough now... however, it will be great if life does not try to push me down further or I might soon reach the core of the earth.

Current mood: Life is crap
Current thought: God/Higher power does not exist. Don't take any more anti-depressants.
Current song: Love the way you lie

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 17 - Glorious Uncertainties Certain...

This has been my favorite phrase for years now... "Glorious Uncertainties Certain". Partially because I have always been in trouble.. i have always failed in life..and then learnt from all my mistakes and come over it. Today, I go through something similar and I am so excited to see what I am going to end up with.

I am so excited right now. I have no clue what is in store for me!!
Like...it is so unpredictable. I don't have a job yet. I don't know what role I will get into and where.. I don't know what place I will have to go to. I might just have to pack my bags in a day (worst case) and leave or just stay here in Seattle in my comfort zone (best case).
I don't know if I will have a boyfriend ever again... or who will I end up with!! Really, relationships have been so bad/good/stupid that I have no clue what is going to happen in that area. I cannot even imagine myself with anyone right now.
I don't know how my life will be after 2 months. Infact, life is not going to be the same even after a month. 1 month later, this day, I shall be in California. Life may or may not be the same. But I am sure it's not gonna be the same.. itl be so different.. and amazing.. that I might not believe.. that I might forget all the bad moments that I have spent... all the days and nights I have cried... all the mistakes will be forgiven... Life will be beautiful.
Over all.. I am so excited!! This is going to be so amazing!!

Now I wanna know what is written for me.

Current thought: Life is beautiful
Current song: I love cheap thrills by Sia
Current mood: Daaru-Baba

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 16 - Challenging my entire belief system

So for this, I need to tell you a little story.

November 2015 - I went crazy because of the 'then break-up'. I cried profusely (read: 6 times a day) every day for the entire month praying for him to come back. I went to the height of keeping the idol of Ganesha in water (something I should not have done but what might have worked) and prayed every minute amidst my assignments (not kidding) for him to come back to me. He returned on the last day of November and I was supposed to leave on the 7th of December. I met him, we fought, but ate the forbidden fruit too. But we separated again.

December 2015 - I gave up on God. I packed all the idols I had and handed them over to Dad the moment I landed. I did not visit a single temple while I was there (regretted later). I mentioned that to my family and they were obviously upset. But they did not say anything since they knew it was a temporary phase. At the end of my trip, I did visit a few temples and sought blessings. Somehow, my family reinstated my faith.

January 2016 - I came back and obviously did not contact him. I had decided to myself that the relationship had ended and that I was destined to get married to someone else. And he came back. I obviously took him back (should not have). Things were fine till now. Then he did it again...

April 2016 - I placed the idols in the water again. I did that so God would see the intensity of my wishes and grant them to me. How stupid was I? Just because my relationship is not working out I made God suffer. Well, I am assuming here that God exists. I just happened to mention the thought to my grandMa. She was alarmed. She said it was a bad idea because bad things had happened in the past when someone from our family did so. That alarmed me too. I do not know if that was the fear of God or the thought of more evil things (adding more to the list) happening to me that scared me.

I am going so crazy right now that I have been keeping a tab on horoscopes from all the newspapers and trying to relate them to my life and his. So far I have not been able to gauge anything. The tarot readings have been negative. The horoscopes have been mixed. Also in case you guys had not noticed, there is a similarity between what Bejan Daruwala's 2016 Horoscopes book, the HT horoscope and the Marjorie horoscope from DNA. No kidding. I have been trying to connect bits and pieces and the puzzle since quite some time now. That has literally become my day job - open all the four horoscopes, compare and contrast, and assume how the dots of mine and his life can be connected. This has been driving me crazy. I shall become a total nutcase soon. If I do not write for a while you can safely assume that I am being taken care off in a mental asylum in Seattle.

Also, does God really exist? If he does then why doesn't he fulfil all our wishes? I know he is the only one who knows the bigger picture (personal experience). But why don't we know what the bigger picture is? I mean.... think about it... if it is our bigger picture shouldn't we know about it? I know there would be no fun and no surprises in life then but having an idea of what lies ahead would really be good. I wish to be mentally prepared for the future. Relying on one's guts does not work. I know guts and instincts exist for a reason but my guts have been only negative lately so I do not wish to trust them. Maybe I am cryptic ranting right now because I have too many unknowns in my life and I do not wish to be surprised (rather shocked) anymore. I fail to understand what happiness anyone would derive by seeing people suffer. If God exists I am sure he would not be a sadist.

How much should we believe in horoscopes? They say 'It's all written'.. well if it is then there is no point in palm reading, horoscopes or even astrology for that matter. If everything is already written all you can pray is for the script to be good.

Current thought: I do not know if God exists but alcohol does. So chalo daaru piney chaltey hai.
Current mood: #@#^@#
Current song: Let it rain it on me, Wildest dreams (Extremely situational)

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 15 - Happy realization

It was a little past 5 PM. She went to the kitchen to make coffee. He wanted one. His wish was her command. She also knew he wanted her to leave. He had 'given time' to 'someone' at 7 PM. He did not really look at the clock while she was around but somehow she sensed he wanted her to leave. They were together since 10 AM in the morning. Not a long time actually... but it felt long enough to her... even to someone who loved him from the bottom of her heart... to someone who prayed to be with him forever... to someone who had always put him before everything else in the world.

She wanted to please him... like she always had... So she decided to do the dishes and clean the messy kitchen. It was a huge pile of dishes but she was adamant. She kept the coffee on the stove top and she started doing the dishes. He was busy watching 'Shameless'. He called her a couple of times to check on her. She heard it but chose to ignore for the sheer reason of pleasing him with clean dishes. So much for love. And this was when she realised...

WHAT THE FUCK had she done to herself!!! She had literally lost everything to him and this 'relationship'. Her peace of mind, her mind... everything. She analyzed her life... No job, no peace of mind, no money, no life, no health... absolutely nothing... and she tried to find solace in a broken relationship. Something so shattered, that it will surely not last long. Or maybe it will. Her heart refused to let go... to let go off a relationship that she had invested everything in. She could let go because she did not want to...and could not lose hope... For a second the thought of doing all this to some other guy crossed her mind and she could not think further. Her mind froze. The kind of bonding, attachment and emotions that she had with him..... she did not know if she could replicate. Moreover, she did not know how to replicate it. She could not 'transfer' the attachment from this guy to the next... it is impossible. She knows she cannot get involved with anyone else the same way. She was not programmed for that. She is sure it cannot happen... will not happen...

Of course, this was not the first time this thought had crossed her mind. They were incapable of staying apart. They were addicted to each other. She knew the relationship was bad for her but she did not want to leave. She had fallen heads over heels in love with him and giving up on a relationship was not her thing. She had risked everything for him and now it was too late for them to leave. She wondered how he could leave her, walk away and settle down with someone else. She wondered how she would settle down with someone else when she had to. It is not easy to walk away from love, is it?

She had fallen in love before but this was different. This never started as love, never started as a relationship, was never a commitment, was never 'real' for the world. The relationship lived only in rumors. They never even spoke about it for the fear of freaking out the other partner.

It obviously pained her every time he mentioned that he is going to marry someone else. They knew their relationship was going to be a short one... but 2 years is a fairly long time. This lasted more than their past relationships. She prayed to God for him every day..... obviously, God has no plans of fulfilling her wish.

Current thought: Given up

Current mood: Thakaa-Haara

Current song: Govinda Govinda

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 14 - Iss pyaar ko main kya naam du?

Yes, I am buried deep the ground right now. So deep that no earthquake can bring me to the surface. No love life, no sex life, no money, no job, a hell lot of taxes to pay, useless coffee...and even my contact lenses are not letting me write this blog post. Basically, nothing is right. I have adopted a new way of living life now. I am going to laugh at whatever bad happens to me. I have started that since today morning..and hopefully will be able to continue that. Having said that nothing has changed - except for the amount of taxes that I was supposed to pay - from $450 it has conveniently jumped to $1450... thanks to something forgettable called 'state tax'! While I was trying to laugh at my condition I came across this weird and unspoken love story...

The guy and the girl have been in a *casual relationship* for the past 2 years (Wwwhhhhaaaaattttt!? LOL). They are obviously addicted to each other and are wondering how and when to let go of each other. The guy is sure that he does not want to marry her and the girl is sure that she wants to marry only him. Both of them are bound to each other at all levels. They have found the perfect companion in each other. They do not have this burning desire to get married to anyone else but they do want to at some point in time. Their relationship is much more than just sexual... they are emotionally attached too. They cook together, they fight with each other, they get upset with each other often, they have ego clashes... they even like to just lay back and watch tv together and find solace in each other's arms.

Question: How casual is it when emotional attachment exists?

There is nothing *casual* about the relationship if two people have been together for so long. I wonder when they would realize that they are in love.

He, with his tough exterior, says he cannot 'connect' with anyone emotionally since she is around. She is sure that she will never ever be able to connect with anyone the way they have connected. It was lust at first sight for them. They were never friends before who fell for each other. Everything was so instant.

I am sort of analyzing their relationship now. So they are sort of dating and living together for a few hours. They make sure they spend time together. Because of all the sex, they are definitely not *just friends*. The bond is definitely deeper. They have come a long way. I mean... I was very serious in my last relationship and despite that it lasted only for a year and a half. Here, both of them will have to marry someone else for some unknown reason. If they are still together there should be a reason. For me, they are two people who are crazy in love with each other but do not want to admit... for the fear of losing each other.. or for the fear of parents... or for the fear of life. I cannot figure that out.

I wonder if the couple (if I may say so) has even contemplated getting married to each other. Maybe they did... or maybe they didn't. I have no clue. But they definitely should... because maybe they are meant to be together... or maybe they are not... only time will tell.

Current thought: I hope they end up together

Current Mood: I hate paying taxes

Current song: Same old Love

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 13 - Whatever happened to the 'peace of mind'...

I am at a stage where crying is like breathing... unfortunately, this is not even an exaggeration. Life sucks, literally. Giving up is not an option and committing suicide is really difficult (really!). It's so difficult that I have actually given up on the thought almost.
Spent the last 3 hours trying to read crap about ROI. Obviously, I ended up crying and hence could discuss nothing with my team-mate over the meeting.
I tried to calm myself down by trying to meditate.. obviously, I ended up crying. I tried to calm myself down by listening to 'Aigiri Nandini'... but that didn't really help either.
I want to go back to my calm self - the way I was days after my India trip. When I thought nothing could bog me down (that was before my ears gave up on me and I lost my hearing for a while). That state of mind was good... before someone re-re-re-re walked into my life again. I was lesser messed up then... much lesser messed up than I am right now.
But that is not even the worst part of my life right now. The worst part are the games that my brain has been playing with me. The negative thoughts, the negative contemplations, the fear of losing the people I love, the fear of losing in life (not that I have succeeded anytime), the fear of the pain... and so much more. The truth is that I cannot see myself like this anymore.
I know what my problem is... I have been giving importance to unimportant people and events. And this has not been a recent issue. I am sure all of us give importance to unwanted and undeserving people and situations in our lives, in turn devastating our peace of mind. Well, my peace of mind is gone. Keep yours safe!
I know what the solution is...to know the future or the ability to predict the future. Or maybe already knowing how life is going to shape up so that we do not break out heads thinking about it. Waiting for that to happen.
Finally, I just decided to go with the flow for a week. I wanna see how life shapes out when I try to keep calm.

Current thought: Someone please do my homework
Current mood: I wanna die
Current song: Aigiri Nandini

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 12 - When the world comes crashing down

I have been contemplating this post for a really long time. But something or the other cropped up.

Career: My situation is very weird right now. The job market was down for a while. I have been getting interview calls since it has been up and running but nothing has materialized. In fact, despite interview calls, weird things have been happening like recruiters have been forgetting to call me on the scheduled time. And this has happened 4 times!!
Referrals are not working. People have asked me to search for an array of positions instead of the high-flying ones. I have been doing that... though unhappily.
Freaking hell, I am here for a reason. I have not spent 2 years of my life and a half a crore Rs on my life over nothing. My brain refuses to settle for less. Though I believe I will have to.
The funny part is I don't even have time to seek the best. Just 2 months to graduate.

Family: Papa passed away. I have been crying ever since. He was unwell for a long time but I still expected him to keep going until the end of this year. We tried our level best but could not save him. None can replace him.. obviously.. he was an amazing person. I miss him like crazy. The worst part is that I could not even see him for one last time. I was not around when he left us. I could not even see his rites. Cons of not living with your family.

Love: Love life sucks. It does not exist.

Twitter: Been tweeting a lot.

Social life: Starting today I am going back to my shell. No Human Interaction Zone. That's the only way out. No partying, no dating, no talking to people... nothing that will disturb me.

Life overall: SUCKS big time. I do not need a reason to cry. Now that I think of it this situation has continued from October end. Life sucks really bad. I am developing suicidal tendency. I even googled that but apparently dying isn't that easy either. Never mind! I cannot stop expecting out of life and people and so this misery. I am on my way to either crawl under the bed and die or gain more than I can handle. The former looks more probable.

Current thought: I wanna die
Current song: I wanna die
Current mood: I wanna die

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 11 - Of secret Live-ins...

So both of you are in love and in a different city/country altogether. You suddenly feel that walking to your apartment every morning is a pain and he wants you around more often. A small idea and you both start living together. What happens when you are secretly living with your guy? So secretly that even your friends don't know...

1. You cannot host parties - Obviously! Hiding your partner's luggage is so painful! You leave one thing outside and everyone knows someone has been staying longer at your apartment than usual.

2. You cannot arrive together at any event - I wonder why but this is true. If you arrive together people would assume that you both were either loitering around together or sleeping together before the dinner/party/event etc.

3. You feel like his wife - So true! You clean the house, cook food, keep tiffins ready, do the dishes and laundry and so on. The list is endless. The guy generally helps but a lot of times it is pretty much you by yourself.

4. Absolute silence - This one is the most important. You just do not talk unless your partner is in front of you. You avoid even the slightest noise when your partner is on a call with his parents/friends/colleagues etc.

5. Litter around - Staying with your partner? Get ready to see chaddis around! Be ready to see your partner's makeup kit, kajal pencil, lip balms, lingeries lying at weird places.

6. With key comes great responsibility - You are good to go if you have 2 keys but if you have just one you have to adjust your schedule according to your partner's. You have to either leave everything and run for your partner in case of emergency or find a safe way to pass on the key to him/her.

7. Habits - You cannot know a person unless you stay with him for a few days. You learn a lot about your partner's likes, dislikes, habits, annoying habits, habits that you can live with, habits that you know you are going to adopt and so on. It is a beautiful experience, though. You can finally decide if you can live with the person forever.

8. You know when your partner lies - This is so true. Because you can observe your partner's body language all the time you know when he/she lies to you. You will also know the topics that make your partner uncomfortable or make them happy. After a while, you can predict their behavior so well (unless your partner is a psycho) that you will know what questions to ask and how they would react to situations and so on.

9. You finally feel like a full-time couple - Dating is fine and so is being in a relationship. But living together is the next level. If the couple is committed it is almost like getting married or maybe a step before that. Living together allows you to know your partner better.

10. You lie so much - You cannot tell anyone that you are living together and sp you literally lie to everyone you know. "Where are you staying right now?" .... "Arre woh ek dost ke ghar pe". You actually get fed up of making excuses. 

P.S: This article is my personal opinion. I am neither for nor against living together. I am not living-in with any guy either. I have a set of beautiful American roommates.

Current thought: Bahut raat ho gayi yar let's sleep

Current song: The Hills (The Weeknd)

Current mood: Sleepy

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 10 - Of high-flying titles, job descriptions and mistakes

Yesterday: Finally I decided to take a shower. My phone never rings and none calls me unless I am in the shower (I bet this is true for a lot of you). As soon as I came out of the shower I checked my phone for no reason and saw a voicemail. I returned the voicemail and Voila! my interview was scheduled for the next day.

Flashback: Around a month ago I received a call from an agency that had no presence on this earth. The recruiting insurance company was a part of the agency or something like that. I still went for the interview for the sake of experience and obviously walked out and refused the offer since it was commission based. This interview call felt fishy too but the company had a good-enough website and an internet presence. Even glassdoor spoke good about it. So I decided to go ahead.

Today:
6:00 AM - My alarm rang. I woke up and decided not to think about him for hours like every day. Instead, I revised a few questions in my mind that I was sure would be asked in the interview. Tell me about yourself, 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses. I could not name 3 weaknesses and my 2nd and 3rd weaknesses were related. Just when my mind was about to wander I decided to wake up and make tea for myself.

6:30 AM - Morning sickness! No, I am not pregnant. The stress has taken a toll and it makes me sick every now and then. I still walked to the kitchen to make tea. My Korean roomie had cooked something the previous night which smelled yummy but my super smell made me puke because of it. Never mind I was fine after 10 minutes.

6:40 AM - Finally started making tea. Brushed my teeth and so on.

7:00 AM - Started ironing clothes... something that I was supposed to do the previous night... but did not do because I was upset because of SOMEONE. I realized how much time I have wasted on him and something that might not ever work out. All this because my mind refuses to give up. Never mind. It took me a really long time to iron my blazer and I could not get it perfect till the end. I have just started learning the tips and tricks of ironing clothes using my very new and fancy iron and it is difficult.

7:40 AM - Finally time to take a dump and shower.

8:00 AM - Nothing can force me out of the shower once I am in... not even an interview. I rushed out and got dressed. This was the time I had decided to leave at and here I was just out of the shower.

8:20 AM - I wore pain (read: formal shoes), locked the door and ran towards the bus stop. Obviously, I could not run and just walk, one step at a time. As soon as I reached the bus-stop I saw a bus going towards Downtown. I had to go to Downtown too was supposed to take the next bus. This bus took the longer route and a hell lot of time to reach the link rail. I realized all this after I boarded the bus. I started calculating the bus stops, time it will take or me to reach the place and so on.

8:45 AM - I saw the bus number signs at every bus stop. The bus that I was supposed to take had the same route according to the signs. I thought it would be a good and a faster idea to get down at the next bus stop and wait for my bus. As soon as this thought entered my mind I got off the bus only to realize that the only bus that came to this route was the bus I got off from. I immediately checked the bus app to check arrivals only to realize that the next bus was 15 minutes later. I wasted 15 minutes of my life standing on the bus-stop because of my stupidity.
At this point, all my planning of reaching on time was ruined. I immediately sent an apology to the HR via email and text. She replied saying it was fine and that they would accommodate. Right when I should have felt happy about it, I realized that I wanted to take a dump again! I mean, my body should know when to send me signals to go and take a dump... certainly not when I am on my way to the interview. I knew I was going to be restless till I reached home.

9:00 AM - The next bus arrived. I was finally on my way.

10:05 AM - After 2 buses, 1 train and 1 uber I finally reached the destination. This place was lesser shady than my flashback interview and everyone was dressed really smart. I quickly calculated that people who wear such smart clothes should either earn well or should have wealthy parents. I was not the only one to be interviewed. The nice girl next to me had already had her first interview and was waiting for her second one.

10:15 AM - I was asked to fill a form after which I was called for an interview by a fairly large person. I want to know if his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is still alive.

10:20 AM - I was out of my first interview. I thought that was a joke. Never mind. They asked me to wait for the second interview slated at 10:30 AM.

10:30 AM  - Interviewers came around and took a few candidates out for a coffee interview. I was wondering what coffee would do to my tummy which was already in a bad state. I was sure I was going to use their restroom today. I struggled to keep my problems below the surface.

10:35 AM - A very tacky woman, wearing a white hairband, silver-color skirt and silver shoes invited me to her cabin. To me, she came right out of a bar after having drunk and smoked pot all night. She stood out amongst all. She had a perfect figure. I can bet $10 on her smoking pot before/after/during work. I even smelled pot in whoever's cabin that was.
Never mind. The funny part was she asked me 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses and the way I fumbled while answering that question in the morning I fumbled here too. Sometimes, I adore my thought-process.
She showed me numbers, told me what they did, told me the salary structure (there was none). This job was commission-based too. And I still wonder how and why I applied for this job. The title was very lucrative (read: Account Manager) but they wanted their Account Managers to go door-to-door and sell products for the clients. I was appalled at my condition. Oops! I did it again! I decided not to use stupid job sites again and not apply to any marketing and sales positions. I am always going to ask the HR about the job description first and if the position is commission based or salary based. One stupidity wasted my entire day. I felt sorry for myself.

11:30 AM - Third round of interview in which I was told that I was basically required to sell products for the clients. I was like.. WOW! This is the reason I have spent 60 lakhs on my Masters. This interview lasted for 4 minutes.
I walked out, called an uber and after changing trains and buses reached the bus stop.

1:00 PM - The walk from the bus stop to home was the hardest. The shoe-bite ached and I walked half a step at a time. Life was/is being brutal.

I realized the pattern of my life. I never check details in the rush of missing opportunities. And I never care about getting hurt. I just go for it because of some reason. It's as if some force calls me and I just do it. I realized I do something even if there is a 0.001% chance of success... be it a relationship or  a job prospect or anything else in the world. I am not really afraid of failure. I have never been. I have failed so many times in life that failure is routine and success is exceptional.
Never mind. Lesson learned.

Current thought: I wanna go home and sleep. Whatever happened to taking a dump.
Current song: Gun gun guna re
Current place: On-campus job

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 9 - Of tinder and strange love

It was a lazy Sunday morning. I looked at my messed up life. He was on Tinder. Here, I sat in front of him and he cared a f$$k. So I packed my bags, did grocery and came home. After venting out my frustration on my best friend (who was brushing his teeth) I decided to make tea for myself. Like royalty... I sat on my bed tucked inside the comforter... sipping tea... and with all the love...downloaded Tinder.
I decided on one thing... Firang guys only! P.S: I am not being racist/sexist/country-ist here but I just decided to play the field. Obviously, I won't be able to date any men after I get married/committed. Since I have no future whatsoever why should I not? I carefully swiped left. I do not want creepy experiences and so swiped left at every remote hint of creepiness. Some of the bios were interesting. Finally, I really liked this guy and swiped right for him and guess what? It was a match! I immediately ran out and woke up my roommate for the 10th time since this morning. She explained to me what a 'match' actually meant. I mean.. he was an American... why would he 'right swipe' me? So I decided to tweak my bio a little bit and mention my country of origin. Never mind...I don't think that matters... I still got 4 more matches after that within 2 hours of downloading the app. Not to forget the 5 'Super likes' I received... the concept that I again had to learn from my roommate.
And then I saw 'him' on Tinder. And I wanted to right swipe for him (I don't need to mention that). But by mistake and my lack of education about Tinder, I swiped left!!! I was so devastated...but I guess it is fine. Not that I have a chance with him or I don't... I don't know if I do. He is being weird. He is still not clear about what he wants. I know why I am with him.. but... why is he with me? I have not been able to figure out what he wants. I am still waiting for... whatever.
Meanwhile, tinder feels so weird. It is surely not made for me. I am not even going to go for coffee or anything with any of my matches. Ain't happening! I guess I just wanted to get back at him. Love is strange and makes you do stupid things... and I am doing my strange bit.

Current mood: Wants to uninstall Tinder
Current thought: Wants to uninstall Tinder

How to - 1- reduce hair loss (Tried and tested)

While we were trying to work on our project my teammate suddenly complimented me on my hair and I remembered my pathway from 'about to be bald' to 'beautiful hair'. The things that I did/happened to me in the past few months have reduced my hair loss to almost nothing. So the tips below are pretty tried and tested.

1. Reduce stress - The quarter was bad. The courses were wrong. I broke up. I spent my days either coding or crying..but mostly both... coding and crying. I had no clue what was happening to me and was distressed. The India trip just happened to me. Despite India being full of travel and 'groom-hunt', I was pretty de-stressed there. Whenever I would freak out I would calm myself down consciously and try thinking of something else. I tried hard to let go off everything and meditated.

2. Go Protein - Proteins are very important since they are the building blocks of the body. When the hair loss became unbearable I would wash my hair only once a week or once every 5 days to prevent further hair loss. I had lost a hell lot of weight too. To gain weight I started drinking egg-milk-sugar shakes every day. I saw the results in 15 days. My body was happy with the proteins it received and the hair loss reduced considerably. I had tried Whey protein earlier for a month which neither helped me gain weight nor reduce the hair loss. So I am not sure if that would work. But eating meat helps too. Eat anything that is easily available and protein-enriched.

3. Don't skip meals - A nutritious meal is so important! Not eating enough had aggravated my hair loss. Eat something every time you feel hungry. If you stay in the US please try carrying nuts, sandwiches, granola bars if you go out. If you stay in India you have a hell lot of options.

4. Take supplements - A friend of mine suggested the 'Hair, Nails and Skin' medicine that can be bought in any pharmacy here. And I cannot complain. I am sure the supplements helped me too. It has biotin and other anti-oxidants required for hair growth and strength. You can check with your doctor for the same.

5. Oil, massage and clean - Make sure you oil your hair (for an hour or overnight) before you wash them. Hot oil head massage relieves stress too. You may use whatever oil you wish to but I stuck to the normal parachute one.

Dandruff can also be a big reason for hair loss. If the case stands true for you then you should probably consult a skin specialist and ask him/her to prescribe you a good medicated anti-dandruff shampoo. I had one from my last trip to India and that's what I used. Keep your brushes and combs clean by washing them with soap every time you wash your hair.

The tips worked great for me. Hope they work for you too.

Cryptic Rants - 3 -Valentine's day 2016

In my last post, I told you that I wasn't ready to meet my Valentine. Today I am going to rant about how useless my valentine's day was.

It all started at 9.34 AM when I woke up and realized that I was late for my meeting already. After a long WhatsApp chat, it was decided that we meet at our teammate's apartment at 10.30 AM and work for 2 hours straight. Obviously, I made it at 11. And we never started working.

After a delicious brunch, stalking facebook, feminist talks, discussing the ways our navels were pierced, the jewelry we wore and the prices of Wedding lehengas (I even sent online inquiries about a few) we finally realized work was not going to happen. We decided to call a few friends of ours and roam around our beautiful campus. I missed weed and him.

I am surprisingly in a good mood apart from the few 'I miss him badly. I want him back.' moments. I found myself smiling for most of the selfies and pictures and felt happy about it. I did not delay in uploading those on facebook since I want him to know that I am not that miserable. I finally shopped for groceries (spent hell loads of money) and returned home.

I think everyone has a tendency to flaunt... their feelings. Like I am doing right now via this blog post. Some do it by posting pictures (me), some do it by writing weird statuses (me), some share weird and feminist posts (me), some tweet (again ME!) and some cry (ME! ME! ME!). I wonder why! Behind every *happy* picture that I have posted on facebook I have never wanted to flaunt the good times but just to set something... or maybe just to make me feel good and to remind myself that life has been kind. Whenever I have written statuses on facebook they have either been for somebody or... I don't remember the time when I actually wrote a status for myself!! :/ I share feminist posts and posts boasting singledom like crazy but somewhere I wish to be with him/someone now. Let's face it...my tweets are stupid. I think that's the frustration talking.

After self-review, I have realized I should be off facebook for a while. Not deactivate my account but just be away from it for a while. It's weird but I really feel lonely this valentine. Lonely but not vulnerable. I think this is just the passing phase. My mind is just adjusting to being single. I never thought it would be that difficult. But.... whatever!

Current song: Kabira
Current mood: Kal se padhai karte hai.
Current thought: Where is that noise coming from?

Cyrptic Rants - 2 - Am I ready yet?

I lied down on my bed for an hour thinking about him. About whatever went wrong last evening. How can I lose that feeling of belongingness after spending amazing time together? We had spent the entire week together... fighting, watching tv, cooking, cuddling... and when the last hour of my stay arrived I felt all distant.
I fell asleep on his shoulders as usual. When I woke up the episode of Suites was almost over. I looked at him. He did not look at me...rather chose not to. I tried to move away. He held me tight...close to his chest... so that he could keep me hooked like he had...for a really long time.
I moved away and got dressed.
I knew it was time to say good-bye. I always knew. I have known this for a while now. But why haven't I been able to? Because I love him? Because I want him? Because I cannot live without him? or because he keeps on coming back every now and then? or because we are addicted to each other?
Nevertheless, I chose to pick up my bag and leave. 'A week of solace' I thought.. since we are not going to meet for a while. We did not gift each other anything for the valentine's day neither did we care to wish each other. We are obviously not in love with each other or we do wish to blurt it out. And this for a guy I have been dating for over a year.
At an age when I should probably me married and having kids, why do I feel this way? Have I lost my emotional quotient or have I lost my brains? Or should I break up for the 100th time and go back to him again? Looking at all the 'arranged marriage proposals' I find my attitude towards love funny.
It is also funny that I do not remember shit about any of my previous valentine's days. I do not even remember celebrating anything or any evening.. and I have been a part of in 2 serious relationships in the past.
After having thought about what my problem is... I have realized that... my mind is too free to even consider a full-fledged relationship. The fear of a guy dictating what I should wear almost kills me. It is going to be slightly difficult after I get married for sure... but whatever! Life is tough. Life is weird. Life is casual. I don't know how much air has been polluted by 'love' this valentine's... but I, for sure, am not. I am not yet ready to meet my valentine...

P.S: I still love love.