I lied down on my bed for an hour thinking about him. About whatever went wrong last evening. How can I lose that feeling of belongingness after spending amazing time together? We had spent the entire week together... fighting, watching tv, cooking, cuddling... and when the last hour of my stay arrived I felt all distant.
I fell asleep on his shoulders as usual. When I woke up the episode of Suites was almost over. I looked at him. He did not look at me...rather chose not to. I tried to move away. He held me tight...close to his chest... so that he could keep me hooked like he had...for a really long time.
I moved away and got dressed.
I knew it was time to say good-bye. I always knew. I have known this for a while now. But why haven't I been able to? Because I love him? Because I want him? Because I cannot live without him? or because he keeps on coming back every now and then? or because we are addicted to each other?
Nevertheless, I chose to pick up my bag and leave. 'A week of solace' I thought.. since we are not going to meet for a while. We did not gift each other anything for the valentine's day neither did we care to wish each other. We are obviously not in love with each other or we do wish to blurt it out. And this for a guy I have been dating for over a year.
At an age when I should probably me married and having kids, why do I feel this way? Have I lost my emotional quotient or have I lost my brains? Or should I break up for the 100th time and go back to him again? Looking at all the 'arranged marriage proposals' I find my attitude towards love funny.
It is also funny that I do not remember shit about any of my previous valentine's days. I do not even remember celebrating anything or any evening.. and I have been a part of in 2 serious relationships in the past.
After having thought about what my problem is... I have realized that... my mind is too free to even consider a full-fledged relationship. The fear of a guy dictating what I should wear almost kills me. It is going to be slightly difficult after I get married for sure... but whatever! Life is tough. Life is weird. Life is casual. I don't know how much air has been polluted by 'love' this valentine's... but I, for sure, am not. I am not yet ready to meet my valentine...
P.S: I still love love.
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