Sleepless in Seattle - Part 16 - Challenging my entire belief system

So for this, I need to tell you a little story.

November 2015 - I went crazy because of the 'then break-up'. I cried profusely (read: 6 times a day) every day for the entire month praying for him to come back. I went to the height of keeping the idol of Ganesha in water (something I should not have done but what might have worked) and prayed every minute amidst my assignments (not kidding) for him to come back to me. He returned on the last day of November and I was supposed to leave on the 7th of December. I met him, we fought, but ate the forbidden fruit too. But we separated again.

December 2015 - I gave up on God. I packed all the idols I had and handed them over to Dad the moment I landed. I did not visit a single temple while I was there (regretted later). I mentioned that to my family and they were obviously upset. But they did not say anything since they knew it was a temporary phase. At the end of my trip, I did visit a few temples and sought blessings. Somehow, my family reinstated my faith.

January 2016 - I came back and obviously did not contact him. I had decided to myself that the relationship had ended and that I was destined to get married to someone else. And he came back. I obviously took him back (should not have). Things were fine till now. Then he did it again...

April 2016 - I placed the idols in the water again. I did that so God would see the intensity of my wishes and grant them to me. How stupid was I? Just because my relationship is not working out I made God suffer. Well, I am assuming here that God exists. I just happened to mention the thought to my grandMa. She was alarmed. She said it was a bad idea because bad things had happened in the past when someone from our family did so. That alarmed me too. I do not know if that was the fear of God or the thought of more evil things (adding more to the list) happening to me that scared me.

I am going so crazy right now that I have been keeping a tab on horoscopes from all the newspapers and trying to relate them to my life and his. So far I have not been able to gauge anything. The tarot readings have been negative. The horoscopes have been mixed. Also in case you guys had not noticed, there is a similarity between what Bejan Daruwala's 2016 Horoscopes book, the HT horoscope and the Marjorie horoscope from DNA. No kidding. I have been trying to connect bits and pieces and the puzzle since quite some time now. That has literally become my day job - open all the four horoscopes, compare and contrast, and assume how the dots of mine and his life can be connected. This has been driving me crazy. I shall become a total nutcase soon. If I do not write for a while you can safely assume that I am being taken care off in a mental asylum in Seattle.

Also, does God really exist? If he does then why doesn't he fulfil all our wishes? I know he is the only one who knows the bigger picture (personal experience). But why don't we know what the bigger picture is? I mean.... think about it... if it is our bigger picture shouldn't we know about it? I know there would be no fun and no surprises in life then but having an idea of what lies ahead would really be good. I wish to be mentally prepared for the future. Relying on one's guts does not work. I know guts and instincts exist for a reason but my guts have been only negative lately so I do not wish to trust them. Maybe I am cryptic ranting right now because I have too many unknowns in my life and I do not wish to be surprised (rather shocked) anymore. I fail to understand what happiness anyone would derive by seeing people suffer. If God exists I am sure he would not be a sadist.

How much should we believe in horoscopes? They say 'It's all written'.. well if it is then there is no point in palm reading, horoscopes or even astrology for that matter. If everything is already written all you can pray is for the script to be good.

Current thought: I do not know if God exists but alcohol does. So chalo daaru piney chaltey hai.
Current mood: #@#^@#
Current song: Let it rain it on me, Wildest dreams (Extremely situational)

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 15 - Happy realization

It was a little past 5 PM. She went to the kitchen to make coffee. He wanted one. His wish was her command. She also knew he wanted her to leave. He had 'given time' to 'someone' at 7 PM. He did not really look at the clock while she was around but somehow she sensed he wanted her to leave. They were together since 10 AM in the morning. Not a long time actually... but it felt long enough to her... even to someone who loved him from the bottom of her heart... to someone who prayed to be with him forever... to someone who had always put him before everything else in the world.

She wanted to please him... like she always had... So she decided to do the dishes and clean the messy kitchen. It was a huge pile of dishes but she was adamant. She kept the coffee on the stove top and she started doing the dishes. He was busy watching 'Shameless'. He called her a couple of times to check on her. She heard it but chose to ignore for the sheer reason of pleasing him with clean dishes. So much for love. And this was when she realised...

WHAT THE FUCK had she done to herself!!! She had literally lost everything to him and this 'relationship'. Her peace of mind, her mind... everything. She analyzed her life... No job, no peace of mind, no money, no life, no health... absolutely nothing... and she tried to find solace in a broken relationship. Something so shattered, that it will surely not last long. Or maybe it will. Her heart refused to let go... to let go off a relationship that she had invested everything in. She could let go because she did not want to...and could not lose hope... For a second the thought of doing all this to some other guy crossed her mind and she could not think further. Her mind froze. The kind of bonding, attachment and emotions that she had with him..... she did not know if she could replicate. Moreover, she did not know how to replicate it. She could not 'transfer' the attachment from this guy to the next... it is impossible. She knows she cannot get involved with anyone else the same way. She was not programmed for that. She is sure it cannot happen... will not happen...

Of course, this was not the first time this thought had crossed her mind. They were incapable of staying apart. They were addicted to each other. She knew the relationship was bad for her but she did not want to leave. She had fallen heads over heels in love with him and giving up on a relationship was not her thing. She had risked everything for him and now it was too late for them to leave. She wondered how he could leave her, walk away and settle down with someone else. She wondered how she would settle down with someone else when she had to. It is not easy to walk away from love, is it?

She had fallen in love before but this was different. This never started as love, never started as a relationship, was never a commitment, was never 'real' for the world. The relationship lived only in rumors. They never even spoke about it for the fear of freaking out the other partner.

It obviously pained her every time he mentioned that he is going to marry someone else. They knew their relationship was going to be a short one... but 2 years is a fairly long time. This lasted more than their past relationships. She prayed to God for him every day..... obviously, God has no plans of fulfilling her wish.

Current thought: Given up

Current mood: Thakaa-Haara

Current song: Govinda Govinda

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 3 - Expectations strike again!

Love/Like/Friendship à Expectations à Frustration and Pain à Mind f***d.

Life feels so scary and apprehensive at times. I feel bound to a set of ‘Things to do’ these days. I have realized that a diary can help me out greatly. But I cannot write my emotional to-do in a calendar, can I?

I’ve thought time and again about the part of my life which has been sabotaged by expectations. I have a really unfortunate habit of expecting great deals out of people, especially the ones I like. Naturally, it is not wrong to expect a little out of people. But there is a very thin line between the two – little expectations and going overboard. And then the definition of ‘thin’ differs from people to people. ‘Fat is the new thin’ for me but for some ‘thin ceases to exist’.

Priorities kill Expectations. I failed to understand the relation earlier. Now I do. ‘Priority’ is the new excuse in town. ‘I did not do this because I had a different priority’ suddenly made super sense to me when I heard the usage a couple of times over a couple of days. I wonder if ‘friends/relatives/spouse/crushes’ fit in ‘priority’ or is it strictly ‘personal’? I guess priorities are influenced by personal choices. Suddenly a thing that would have been the last thing you would do on earth becomes a priority to avoid an expectation. Can happen! Happened to me!

Anyway, expectation is a curse for sure…the curse that has made me the Queen of Mood Swings. I’ve finally decided not to expect anything or at least to lessen expectations from life. I should realize life is not here to serve me whatever I want in a platter. That is one thing life never does. I have learnt this the hard way…still learning…

Mood: Disappointed and Sad.

The Un-Marry-able ones…

It was a rainy day and I was yearning to pee. I used to go to this yoga class where I never thought I would meet someone so E X O T I C. Agree or not there was something super exotic about this guy I met… Err.. in the bathroom. I peed first and he was next. Obviously, I couldn’t see him in his eye while I walked out. As he shut the door I realized I had forgotten my phone near the wash-basin (nothing disgusting about it. The wash basin was its cleanest self). I knocked. He obliged.

“I am Sorry but I kept my phone in the bathroom. Can you please pass it on to me?” A very wrong question to be asked to a guy who is busy peeing I tell you.

“Maybe you can take it later.” He said with an accent. And the heart races!

If I were who I am in my head I would have taken this opportunity and noted down his number right away! But some imaginary ring in my finger stopped me.

As so-not-expected the guy initiated a conversation the next day. I obliged. I had to. He is too extraordinary to be ignored. So here I was…talking to an International Desi. A desi becomes exotic the moment he steps on a foreign soil. Somehow the looks, the gait, the accent, the gestures, the smile, the laugh….every damn thing about a guy changes the moment he lands overseas. I had to steer him clear of any dating possibility and his disappointment was evident.

It was another rainy afternoon when he was talking to our yoga teacher about marriage. Apparently, the oh-it’s-so-difficult-to-keep-my-hands-off-you desi guy was in his early thirties and still in search of ‘true love’ and a ‘good girl’. He seemed to just walk out of some bollywood movie to me. Maybe he should stop watching those. The truth of life is that it is wayyy to difficult to find ‘true love’ and open your eyes dude!! Good girls are everywhere!

I interrupted “And why won’t you find a good girl?” (I wanted to propose my candidature but damn you Imaginary ring!)

“Umm.. I don’t know! Girls today are too ambitious and independent.” he said. I was shocked to hear that from a global desi who must’ve seen volumes of go-getting women abroad. If he thought that I wonder what desi men think!

“So? You can marry an independent girl. Can’t you?” I retaliated.

And then it dawned upon me…the truth of unmarried men! The ambition, the independence, the goals, the career…everything is turning the girls of this age un-marry-able.

I went through all the texts on our all-career-girls whatsapp group (the closest gang I have). We just spoke about the freedom, independence, career, goals, life….that’s it! No guy talks… EVER! Yes, we are independent, career-oriented, ambitious, free-bird. We are shrewd, smart, wise, beautiful. We are women! I don’t see a problem with that!

Men complain women won’t leave their careers to build up a family. Well, we do adjust but surely cannot leave our careers. Well, here is a question…WILL YOU? It is not wrong to be ambitious about ones career, right? If men can be ambitious so can women be! I feel it is completely wrong on a man’s part to expect his partner to take care of the household. Equal opportunities. Equal duties. Equal responsibilities. (I do not say Women are Equal to Men. We are definitely superior.)

Anyway, all of a sudden I found the women categorized into 2 groups – The marriage material and the unmarriageable ones. Unfortunately, all the women running behind their careers fall in the second category and hence they are sort of…unreachable (I think it is unattainable really).

I have no clue why men would have a problem marrying ambitious women. Whether it goes against their male ego or if they feel threatened and intimidated by the presence of the independent ladies. All I want to say is…this is going to be the rule now - Equality of responsibilities. Anyway the ‘marriage material’ ladies already have their face book walls full of the Wedding pictures but the un-marry-able ones are ruling the world! ;)

Of Love and Letters...

We all know how difficult writing love letters can be. I've seen some love letters starting with -
'Hey,

I am trying to write this love letter to you....'
and ending with -
'I hope you know how much I love you...'

The gist is the same... 'I love you'.. But it is pretty amazing how a few words can mean a whole world; how love can be engulfed in a few sentences. I was going through a few love letters online and found a few good ones on a single site. You can find them below.

Yes..this post has been inspired by Sex and the City - the movie. (Carrie asks BIG to write a letter for her..)

When I stole Money from ME...

Finally ME HOME! After enjoying my freedom for 2 and half years I am finally home (before my next stint). Love happens and so do greeting cards. I don’t believe in being completely open about my life to my parents and so I have always had this secret drawer in which I kept all the things meant to be *hidden*. As soon as I touched home I went straight to my room to hide some important stuff :p . I had even forgotten how it looked like. And I opened it… only to see surprises!

               

There were tickets to the movies, greeting cards, Cadbury wrappers, gift wrappers and wallets. I had totally forgotten about this part of my life (which is a very good thing because it was PAST). I was wondering why I had kept the crap in my life so long. And then I realized that I have come a long way…and the fact that I have changed is TRUE!

I longed for someone…then miracles happened…and then disappeared…I cried…begged…and the cycle repeated… but I only emerged stronger. The old ME would have kept all this….but the new ME simply picked it up, tore it into pieces, threw it into the dustbin and made space for new beginnings. I realized I did the right thing. It takes courage to leave the past and move on to take on the future.

Also…I never knew I had so many wallets! Jokes apart!! I never knew I had money saved! Considering I couldn’t save a penny in the past 2.5 years this seemed like a miracle to me. I couldn’t count the money (not because there was a lot of money because there was not….but because I am very weak at maths!). I decided to take a few bucks from that…but I started feeling guilty. That was my wardrobe and my wallet and my secretly saved money (which BTW I am very proud of!)… But still I felt guilty. It felt as if I was stealing money from someone I once knew. And that someone was ME! Just the old ME!

Nevertheless, I took the money… and felt guilty for quite some time...but the old Me was understanding so I am sure she would understand.

The call

It was just another ‘grass’ party. Alcohol is for the kids we believe. A lot of newbies joined the club this time. The only different thing about this one was the fact that it ended upsettingly early. Not many antics stole the show (or maybe I could not see them). The ambience was awesome and looked even cooler after getting stoned. The lights soon turned into bokeh and the music slowed down. The world lost its pace and so did I.  I dozed off in a short while.

The hammering ringtone woke me up. Of course I did not know that it was my ringtone. I tried to reach my phone. Thankfully it was nearby. I tried to open my heavy eyes. Though I could open only one eye it was sufficient for me to see another stoned friend of mine dancing on the tunes of my ringtone.

I spoke in a sleepy voice and expected the other person to hang up immediately and feel guilty for waking me up in the middle of the night. The conversation begun.

“Hell…Hello… “

“Hi”, said the perked up lady.

I could not check the name of the caller before picking up. “I am sorry. Who the %$&@ is it? And what the hell is the time?” I secretly hoped that it was not a relative of mine because using such language even in the middle of the night would invite criticism and long lectures.

“It’s me. And its 3 AM.”

“Who me?”

“ME ME.  Who else calls you at this hour?”

My eyes were still closed but still I wanted to know who it was. I opened my eyes with utmost efforts. I saw the screen to check the caller. Hell! The screen was so cluttered that I could not find the name of the caller. I could see some numbers flying but that’s it. Giving up I went back to listen to the lady.

“I am sleeping. I’ll kinda…call you back..?”

“Nooo! Wait… I had to tell you something important”

“What?”

“I am pregnant.” she said.

Stoned or sober this statement is alarming for one and all. All I wanted to say was ‘Hope you are married’. But I innocently said, “EH! What?”

“I am with a child.”

This reminded me of Phoebe from FRIENDS. Whoever it was had stolen the dialog from her.

“I am serious and Mom and Dad don’t know yet.”

“Okay… Tell them and Good night.”Again an attempt to hang up.

“I wanna have this baby.” She said this as if the baby was a chocolate.

“Okay”, I said still trying to figure out who the lady was.

“Let’s get married.” She said.

“Okay” Anything to make her hang up the phone and go back to my stoned self.

"What? I thought you would freak out" she said.

I was thinking if I was supposed to freak out. Pregnant girlfriend and marriage proposal on the same day might make a guy suicidal.

“By the way I am not pregnant. But now that you want to get married we will get married and I am buying the Sabyasachi Lehenga that we saw that day right away. I have your credit card.”

“Sure” all this was too fast for me to comprehend. But I was still wondering if I wanted to get married.

“Thanks baby. Love you.”

“Ya okay. Bye.” I think I hadn’t heard the ‘love you’ part properly.

“I wanted to know how cool you were with me buying a Lehenga worth a car. Now that I know you are cool I am buying it.”

Now she was getting on my nerves. You don’t do this to your boyfriend in the middle of the night.

“Okay” and I hanged up the phone.

I woke up the next day with a heavy head. A few heads were missing and the rest were resting in peace. The friend who was dancing on the bollywood number was trying to wake up too. The call was the first thing on my mind.

“Dude, my girlfriend called me last night.”

“Oh! Since when do you have a girlfriend?”

He was right. I was single ever since I remember. I reached my pocket for my phone.

I realized that I had not got my phone to the party. The battery of phone was dead so I decided to charge it.

“Who was the guy sleeping beside me last night?”

“Dunno bro. Some new guy. Why?”

“Nothing.”

“What did the girl say?”

“Don’t remember man. I was too stoned.” I said. I thought I shouldn’t tell around about the misery of the guy. He would have received a message from the credit card company anyway. And he would know that he was getting married too, since he was the groom.

Amie

‘Marriage’ takes you places, quite literally. Mine took me to a new country. What I thought would be a gala time for me turned out to be just the opposite for all I did was wash clothes, utensils, cook, shop, mop and everything else on my own. Settling down would take quite some time. The loneliness was irritating. I could not gel well with the snobbish wives of his bosses either. My only ray of hope was my in-laws visiting us. Since this country was going to be our base for quite some time we decided to move into a bigger and more comfortable apartment. After considering all the pros and cons of all the locales around we zeroed down on a couple of them. We went to check out the first one.

It was a pleasant day. I looked at my husband. He was busy asking for directions to the house-owners, Rob and Mia, on phone. Just when I was wondering whether to curse the weather for being so romantic or my husband for not being romantic at all a young girl (3-4 years of age) banged into me with her scooter. She was too cute to be shouted at. I looked at her and smiled. I bent down, placed her falling hairband properly and asked her name. Her cheeks turned red when she replied, “Amie”. She left a smile on my face. He looked at me and said, “We are almost there. The house is second on left.”

The house was beautiful. I liked it instantly. The wooden floor, the beautiful furniture, the warm fireplace; it was all perfect. It was my ‘dream house’. I looked at my husband and gave him the ‘approval’ look. We settled on the very comfortable couch and the conversation started flowing. The owners were apparently moving out because Mia wanted to settle down near her parents. After some time, Mia went to the kitchen to fetch tea, Rob went to answer the doorbell and my husband got busy with his Blackberry.

Suddenly I saw some movement. It was Amie behind the sofa. She looked at me, smiled and signaled me to keep quiet. Looked like she was playing hide and seek. I was wondering how she entered. I looked into the kitchen and saw the opened back door. So, Amie was Mia and Rob’s kid I thought. I was about to talk about Amie when the Mia arrived with tea and cookies.

We went ahead to check the rooms after tea. The master bedroom was lovely and beautifully decorated. There were only pictures of Rob and Mia; there was no sign of Amie. We went to the next bedroom. The kids bedroom was dark and showed no sign of furniture. “We don’t really visit this room much”, Mia said. I wondered why! She closed the door and we went downstairs. I suddenly thought that the double bed we had might not be accommodated into the kids bedroom. I asked Rob if I could go to the kids room and check if the bed would fit there. I knew I was getting too excited considering we had not even signed the rental agreement but the house was definitely worth it. I opened the door to find Amie running around the room with a teddy bear in her hand. I was amazed to find her there again. On seeing me she stopped and walked towards me.

“Are you going to stay here?”, she asked.

“I hope so. We like your house. Besides, your parents and you are going to shift to a bigger apartment. So we will take care of this small house.”

“Well, I will never leave this house. Can I stay with you?” she asked.

I smiled at her, a little louder, and gave her a peck again.

“Sure baby. You can stay with us.”

“Thank you.” And she started running around again.

I took the measurements and left the room.

I went downstairs to meet curious eyes. Rob and Mia gave me a blank stare. My husband looked embarrassed.

“Whom were you talking to?” Rob asked.

I said, “Amie”, and their faces flushed. Mia collapsed and Rob rushed to comfort her.

“What did she say?” Mia asked.

“Oh! She didn’t look happy with your decision of moving out. She wants to stay here forever she said.”

“You cannot talk to Amie. She died a year ago in a road accident while playing on her scooter.” Rob said.

“How can that be? I can see her everywhere!” I said.

Rob and Mia were speechless and so were we.

The brakes screeched and my head hit on the driver’s seat. I woke up to realize all it was just a dream. We got down and started walking towards the place we were about to rent. I could identify with the surroundings. It was a Déjà vu moment. I looked at the trees, the houses, and the street and wondered if I had visited this place before. A cute little girl banged into me with her scooter. She was too cute to be shouted at. I looked at her and smiled. I bent down, placed her falling hairband properly and asked her name. Her cheeks turned red when she replied, “Amie”.

10 Tips to my daughter

1.       Never let anyone touch you the wrong way. Not even your father.

2.       If someone hits you…hit them back.

3.       Always exercise your right to voice.

4.       Sex is not just another ‘cool’ thing to do. Being a virgin till you get married is cool.

5.       Always dress for yourself. Not to impress others.

6.       Love unconditionally. Love a guy who loves you in pajamas and not just in stilettos.

7.       Don’t let yourself be used by someone else. You are not a paper. You are precious.

8.       Drink wisely. It’s okay to experiment but be safe.

9.       Marry only when you are sure. Not when we want you to.

10.   Tell me everything.

HIM v/s HER

I heard the door bell. The kaamwali bai worked as an alarm clock for me for the past 2 years. I looked around. He slept peacefully. I gave him a peck and got up to welcome the bai.

We were on the breakfast table. I buttered the bread for him. He hid behind the paper. I had kept the gift beside his plate. He did not notice. It was Valentine’s Day and our 2^nd year anniversary. I knew he had forgotten, like the engagement ring on the day of our engagement and the restaurant bookings on our first wedding anniversary.  He asked for fruit juice. I asked him to fetch it from the fridge. There lied another gift, his favorite pack of rum chocolates wrapped in a shining silver paper so that he doesn’t miss it. This strategy would also help him see the ‘I love you’ note on the refrigerator door. He walked to the refrigerator, opened it, looked for the fruit juice and calmly walked back to the table. He had missed the chocolates too.

I was amazed by his lack of attention. How could he miss 3 straight clues? I decided to ask him straight. 

“Honey, what plans today?”

 “Oh! I forgot to tell you. We have to go to my boss’s dinner party tonight. Be ready by 7. I’ll send the car” He said as he picked up the briefcase and walked towards the door. I followed him. He kissed me on my forehead as usual and left.

I hoped that the boss’s party was all a cover up and something better was on the plate. I checked my phone calendar. “Rohan’s Boss’s party at 7 PM today. Wear something black!” it said. I was not worried about the boring party though. I was sure he would read the note that I had left for him in the lunch box. And he would definitely see his emails. I had written a love email for him. I decided to wait for his call.

It was 2 PM and he hadn’t called yet. I decided to check on him. He couldn’t have missed the email and letter both! I decided to start the conversation with the mutter paneer that I cooked.

“Hey hon. How was the lunch? Was the sabzi okay?”                                                                         

“Oh hi.. Umm… I haven’t really had lunch yet. No time. I have been jumping from one meeting to another. And then I had to go to this meeting with the caterer for tonight’s party. I was too full after the tasting thing itself. I’ll eat it after this meeting maybe and let you know? I am sure it would be awesome as always. How have you been? Had lunch?”

“Yea.. Had.. Was just about to leave for the classes now. So… lot of work?”

“Oh yes! So much of work I tell you. Imagine my assistant hasn’t been able to get my account unlocked yet. It’s all a mess. Anyway, be ready at 7. See ya.”

“Okay, bye. Love you.”                                                                              

He had cut the call before he could hear the ‘love you’ part. So the letter in the lunch box and email were a bad idea. I should have done a feasibility analysis before planning for the gifts. My Valentine’s Day and 2^nd Wedding Anniversary were now effectively ruined.

**************************************************************************

 She woke me up with a peck as usual. Today was our anniversary and the Valentine’s Day, a day I had been planning for since a long time now.

We were at the breakfast table. Not wishing her was a part of my plan. It would be too routine to wake her up with a gift I thought. I wanted to surprise her. I knew she would be thinking about the engagement ring and the missed out dinner reservation. But I really wanted an exquisite ring for her and so I had chosen a platinum-diamond ring from the catalogue. The jewelry store guy promised me the ring one day before the engagement but he did not keep his word. Thank God for my cousin who picked up the ring right when we were about to exchange rings. None knows this though. Another cousin of mine covered up the whole ring thing saying that I had forgotten it in my car. I have been labeled as ‘forgetful’ ever since. And I had not forgotten the hotel dinner reservations either. I had just goofed up again and booked tables at the wrong hotel! These hotels sound so similar at times. The hotel I booked for just had a ‘Grande’ after its name (and I was asked to book a hotel which was not ‘Grande’ of course)! Yes, she still remembers that as one of the few ‘most embarrassing moments’ of her life. We had to wait for an hour for the dinner table that day. It was bad only because it was out first wedding anniversary.

She buttered toast for breakfast as usual. She kept a small gift beside my plate. I had spotted it long time ago. While I hid myself behind the paper I was wondering if it was the cuff-links that I had my eye on.  She asked me to fetch fruit juice for us from the refrigerator. I saw the ‘I love you’ note as I walked toward the fridge. That brought a beautiful smile on my face. But I chose not to react. I saw the box of chocolates neatly wrapped in a silver paper. I knew they were the rum chocolates I loved. That was three gifts straight. But I chose not to respond and go with my plan. I left soon after.

My extremely inefficient assistant escorted me to the meeting room as soon as I reached work. She had not been able to get my email box unlocked since last night. String of meetings followed. Some stupid people want me to sit through and analyze everything they say, which was crap! I had arranged for a surprise Anniversary party in the evening for our close friends. Yes! My boss’s party was a lie. I knew she would doubt so I had synced our calendars to it. I wanted her to wear something black. The diamond set that I was going to gift her later in the evening would go perfectly with that. I had to visit the hotel in the afternoon for the wine and food tasting. I had missed appointments with them earlier so I had to make it that afternoon. The food was going to be awesome. Everything on the menu was her favorite. And so I had missed lunch. She called up enquire about it and I couldn’t lie. So I just told her the truth with some major data hiding. I was in the hotel and the manager was approaching me with the cake designs as I was talking to her. I hanged up immediately when the manager started to talk. I think I missed her ‘love you’ part.  Never mind, she shall know tonight that I loved her too.

*******************************************************************************

It was 7 pm. The car arrived. She wore his favorite Black dress. With no faith at all in her husband she got into the car. She arrived at the hotel. ‘His boss is a big shot’ she thought. She entered the party hall. The hall was lit with beautiful, dim, romantic lights. He walked towards her and said “Happy Anniversary honey.” The cake arrived. She was pleasantly shocked. He gifted her the diamond set that she always wanted. It went perfectly with her black dress as he had thought. Her Valentine’s Day was not as bad as she thought it was. In fact, it was perfect.

Sometimes I wish I could....

                      

Sometimes I feel so blessed to have had you around in the past…

Sometimes I feel so loved when I think about the moments we have spent..

Sometimes I yearn for you.. for your presence.. for your touch..for your memories.

Yet sometimes I feel good about us not talking..

about us not being 'US' anymore..

I know we would have made a lovely couple.. I would have kept you happy..

But I would not have let YOU be YOU..

I am so sorry to have made your life so difficult…and the future would have been darker.

I wish I could change.. but that is my love, my dear love.

And my love would have never set you free..

I wish you could understand!

I wish you could forgive me!

I wish you could give me another chance!

I wish we were together!

I wish I could love you more!

Where is the love?!

She opened her eyes. Her journey was far from over. She had fallen asleep amidst the travel sickness and tears. She checked her phone. No message from him. She knew this was a big decision that she had taken. She had promised herself that this would be her last attempt to save the relationship. Family was an obstacle. But he was more important to her than anything else. She had made a decision of visiting him despite the issues. She wanted him in her life.

She reached the bus stand. He had not come to pick her up. She reached the hotel. She wore his favorite dress and his favorite perfume. She dressed up just the way he liked her. 'One last time' she thought. She left to meet him. He knew she would be in the city but he had not made any attempts to get in touch with her.

She called him. He answered. They decided to meet for coffee at a nearby CCD. She spotted him on her way to the coffee shop. She called him. They met. No hugs, no kisses..just a plain 'Hello' with a broken smile. They walked together. The beauty of every moment they spent together had disappeared. She had asked the coffee shop manager to reserve their favorite coffee table for them and had pre-ordered their favorites. Their eyes met for the first time after months. She had the same sparkle in her eyes. Sadly, he seemed distant. They spoke about him - cricket, friends, photos and life. He did not enquire about her. She felt the distance. He was about to leave but she wanted to extend the date. She asked him for a movie. He obliged.

They went to the movie hall. She met her friends. She had come to meet only him and so she had told none. She wanted to flaunt him. He used to be her trophy but today she found him a couple of yards away looking into his phone. He seemed lost. She got the hint. They saw a foreign movie. She did not understand the language. He took all the pains to translate every line to her. She felt the closeness. She held his hand. He did not reciprocate. She was shattered. Her heart was broken into a million pieces. Yet, she was sitting next to him and hence she wanted to savour the moment. She wanted the movie to go forever.

He asked her out for dinner after the movie. They went to their favorite restaurant. She loved the ambiance there. He loved the food. They placed the same order as they always did - Roti, bhindi ki sabzi and Raita. They ate from the same plate. She wished what people said came true - 'Jhootha khaane se pyaar badhta hai.' Nothing seemed to help her pyaar here. It was only deteriorating day by day.

He volunteered to drop her to the hotel after dinner. It was a long ride. It was late at night and the roads were empty. The moon was in it's full glory. The road was lit by the moon-light alone. There was a chill in the air. She sat close to him. She hugged him from behind - like old times. She knew this was heaven - him, her and the moonlight. She wanted life to stop there. Not for once did she think about the complications, the ambitions, the fights...just nothing. It was just him and her and that beautiful moment. She held him tight. She felt this would be their last ride together.

They reached the hotel. Everything had gone well but she knew this was not enough to get him back. She stood quiet and waited for him to speak. He asked, "Why did you come here? We were not talking for a reason." She said, "I know. But i did not want to lose you" and tears rolled on her cheeks. They had fallen in love but they had no future. 2 states does not always succeed. He had decided to stop talking to her - for her good. She listened to him. She never argued with him. His decisions were always obeyed.
He said,"You know it is not going to work out. You should have thought about this before traveling so far." She said, "I love you". He said nothing. Her heart broke. All he said was, "This is the last time we have met." He did this for her. He did this because he knew she would suffer the most if this relationship continued. But he had no alternative than breaking up with her. She cried. He knew he had lost a big chunk of his heart that day. He knew she would make his life more beautiful. But he had no choice. His family came first and he could not betray their trust. They hugged one last time. He left.

She woke up with a heavy head once again. She had slept off crying as usual. She received a call from the travel agency. Her bus back home was right on time and shall pick her up in an hour. She packed her bags and left...never to come back again.

Women in IT – Of codes, builds and bugs!

“Please let’s go home now. Just log off.” I told him. The cab was waiting for us downstairs. It was well past 12 am. He did not pay heed to my frustrations and continued working. We left the cubicle only to realize that were not the only ones working late. Many were struggling with codes, builds and bugs. The next day our Team Lead was very pleased with the ‘Good Job’ that we had done. She politely asked me to follow her to her cubicle. I thought the bug that I created the other day was going to fetch me some serious music but I was wrong. All she said was, “Always remember you are a girl. Working late is okay while you are still single but all this shall be impossible for you once you have a family. Always get your priorities right”. That came as a shock to me. I had been working late since quite some time and she knew. Later I realized she was right. Working late has become a culture off late everywhere. And it is a bad one for the long run.

Life is relatively easy when you are a singleton in the IT industry. You can focus on work without any disturbances since you are just on your own. I wonder if colleagues can be best friends. There are limitations everywhere. Also, after a certain period of time all singletons experience the parental pressure to get married and get settled. Going on-site, accepting work opportunities abroad etc. for a woman is not as easy as it is for a man. On-site work opportunity makes the groom-hunt difficult as not many husbands are in favor of their wives staying abroad for a span of 2-3 years. Being single makes you vulnerable to many things. You have an increased work pressure and managers take you for granted since you have no family around and hence no responsibilities.

Diary of a Family Man: Get up. Work. Come back. Eat. Sleep.

Diary of a Family Woman: Get up. Get kids ready. Tiffins. Work. Come back. Make dinner. Take care of in-laws. Homework for kids. Household chores. Eat. Sleep. Women always have a longer list of ‘things to do’. The diary is fatter if you are married. You have to be a super woman in order to handle life this way.

I see a lot of ‘family women’ managing the situations and pressures every day. Kids, husbands, in-laws, families, teams, managers, work, calls…it is not easy to do everything all at the same time. You have to cope with a lot of pressures if you are married. Also, every minute has to be utilized effectively so that you get enough time and breaks for other personal matters. Many companies provide with day-care facilities for children of their employees. Working ladies can be rest assured that their children are taken care off in those cases. Many companies also have dormitories for pregnant ladies so that they get enough rest amidst working hours. Pregnant ladies also get a lot of privileges (they can break the queues!). But that is it. You still have to work, attend all meetings, calls and manage your teams.

Apart from this we also have one more obstacle in the rat race we commit ourselves to – harassment.  The ‘odd working hours’ culture makes you vulnerable to a lot of unwanted elements. ‘Sexually colored’ remarks, lewd comments, offensive statements or even casual flirting at work can create a hostile environment for a woman. If the culture of a company is not free enough it might be difficult for a woman to handle such situations. The new law passed by Indian parliament would not really help. Many companies have their own version of anti-harassment laws (we all know the Phaneesh Murthy case.) It is upto the woman herself to take the matters in her own hands and report such incidences. Anonymity is maintained and harassment cases are handled with utmost care. But the scars of such incidences take a long time to heal.

                 

The IT industry is, undoubtedly, glamorous. The independence, money, parties, experience and opportunities are all worth it. But it takes a lot for a woman to survive in IT than it takes for a man. The field is not gender-biased and everyone gets equal opportunities purely based on merit. No quotas, no special treatments and every individual is treated as equal. Maybe a relaxed job would have been better but I would never have been able to enjoy the life as I do now. It is the thrill that I look forward to. Life should be challenging. After spending a year in IT I think it is just perfect for me. 

         

P.S I love you

                She woke up with a heavy head. She could not feel anything. She struggled to open her swollen eyes. She looked around. Everything was unusually silent. She saw the mirror. She saw that her swollen eyes were still moist. She was worried to carry the ‘P.S I love you’ hangover to work. Anybody could figure out her bad mood. Everything showed on her face.

                She decided to make herself a large cup of tea. She knew nothing could beat the ‘P.S I love you’ hangover. She had watched the movie ‘P.S. I love you’ the previous night and had decided to draft a last email. Every scene reminded her of him, of the time they spent together, of the many days they spent and of the way he left her…. Unfortunately by choice. She still wondered what went wrong. Every time she looked back she only saw her faults, her mistakes and everything that might have gone wrong.

                She had written the last email with a heavy heart. It was painful to pen your last words to someone who was/is still her life. They were together for a long time and he had been her only love. He was ‘love at first sight’ for her. She had fallen for him even before she knew how to spell ‘love’. Whatever the case was…. Everything was over now. He did not want her back and was probably very happily in love with someone else. And here she was, completely torn.

                In the last email she apologized for everything. She wanted him badly. She wanted to be alive again. She could not think of her future because in a way… she had grown with the relationship. She grew up with him. It was impossible for her to think of her future without him. But she did not ask him to come back. Because she knew she had hurt him badly. And nothing could help now. The first thing she checked in her phone that morning was emails. She did not expect a reply from him. And she had not received any.

                She went to work. She knew she would go mad if she was idle. Thankfully she was not. She kept thinking about him in all the time. In the team meeting thankfully her part was over and so she was free to day-dream. She decided to check her cellphone. Surprise Surprise! He reverted.

                He asked her to be happy with her new life. He asked her not to be sad that it ended but be happy that it happened. He said it did not work out because it was not meant to happen. Her question: Why did it happen at the first place if it was not meant to be? It was a short email but she kept on reading it endlessly. She wanted every word of his to sink in. She wanted her mind to know that she has to move on since he has moved on. She could not react…maybe she did not want to. This reply was expected. And he had written it as a friend and not as her ex.

                She decided to shut her phone and concentrate on the meeting. She had gone numb. She could not believe things had ended like this. He had wished her very best for her future with her new partner. And he did with all the ease. She wanted to laugh it off. She was young and she made mistakes. But she knew falling in love again was a difficult task. She no more struggled to think or to fall in love again. In the movie Holly could not fall in love with anyone after Gerry…and so she knew she would have a tough time too.

Because she knew she would love him till the end.

P.S I love you.