Cryptic Rants - 1 - Life right now...

It’s been more than a year now… for a lot of things. It just seems like yesterday that I moved to Seattle. I have successfully completed the first year of my Master’s program. However, with no full-time in hand.

I am still high on hopes and everything is pretty hunky dory with my new on-campus job (which BTW I love a lot). I do games and IT stuff for the Athletics department of my school and it is uber fun for me to do so.

Nike did not convert… I am still pretty bummed about it for I <3 Nike. But I guess it will be fine soon. I am pretty confident about that.

Love-life sucks as usual. I realized it isn’t important right now or rather never was. I have always given importance to unnecessary things in life and continue to do so. Does not make sense… it never made.

New apartment and roomies are lovely. After last year’s amazing (read: horrifying, scary and ridiculous) experience I have decided to shell out double the money I could afford and rent a room for myself with firangs. Yes, you are right... I stay with firangs now and spend ridiculous amount of money for peace of mind and peace in general. I thought it would be a good idea and investment since this would be my last year to do so.

My mom’s been behind me for the whole marriage thing. Apparently the words ‘26’ and ‘Single’ do not really go together. I saw ‘Bride and Prejudice’ yesterday to amuse myself. Though there were a few moments when I laughed out loud I realized my mom might soon turn into Mrs. Bakshi who is in constant search of a rich husband for all of her daughters.

I suddenly realized I am not a romantic. I never was. I am too straight-forward than I thought I was. I like gifts, yes, everyone loves them. But, none can win me with those. That’s not me. I don’t treasure things like I should – memories, gifts, and rings… whatever.

I have come to a point where I realized I won’t be sad if someone leaves me (the time has come… almost). I will be super sad and annoyed and depressed and might even have a nervous breakdown. But life will move on.

So a part of my brain says ‘This is it!’ and the second part of my brain says ‘Life will go on’… So I am not really sure what life is going to be like post October. The truth is I don’t want to know. I cannot think of my life post this phase. How I wish nothing changes!

On the courses front I have just gotten 1 of my courses. I have not been able to get seats in the other 2 which is frustrating. I ought to make a lot of decisions about courses now. My internship did not work out for this quarter and so ‘Money matters’ are going to be featured in a lot of the diary logs.

As for money I ran out of it long time ago. Waiting for the 10^th when I can finally start affording food again.

Adios for now.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 9 - Of the female Ego

So recently a friend of mine got married. He was engaged for 6 months. Just a week after his wedding his wife changed her name on facebook and it included my friend’s name as her middle name. Yes, it is very common in the society and is something that is ‘supposed’ to be done. But my ego ceased to agree. The ‘strong, independent, non-girly, career-oriented, non-marry able’ ego in me decided that belongingness is ‘rosy’ only to an extent. The line should not be crossed. You cannot give up everything you were all at once at the drop of a garland. You cannot cease to exist just because someone gifted you a diamond mangalsutra. You cannot leave your friend circle just because you have to be a part of his. You cannot leave your soft toy behind because you are supposed to hug him now instead. You cannot sleep on his bed just because his bed is full sized and now has a beautiful linen.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

-        Marilyn Monroe

At some level it may become unacceptable for every girl to be a ‘woman’ and then a ‘wife’. There is a huge difference. Being a ‘woman’ you always have to walk the path of fire. You cannot even jump to the sides to save yourself from the burns because there is a valley on one side and a steep, unscalable mountain on the other. We are expected to ‘sacrifice’ our name, identity, job, career, life, friends, family, eating habits, drinking habits, smoking habits and ‘I’ at every walk of life. But every woman has to sacrifice. The women of earlier generations could do and sacrifice much more but this generation may not follow the steps. I wonder what has changed us! Maybe past experiences, education, career, government or God have made us stronger.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

-        Marilyn Monroe

I look around to see older girls seeking a master’s degree for better prospects. None will spend half a crore on her education for a better husband. Girls around the world are making/have made themselves capable of conquering the whole world. The mindset and horizon has broadened. The ‘financial dependency’ aspect has reduced greatly so has the ‘emotional dependency’ aspect. The feeling of ‘I’ has grown and the term ‘female ego’ has been invented. So earlier the world revolved around ‘the man’ of the house. The circle has just grown bigger and includes ‘the woman’ of the house too. But seldom is the ‘female ego’ trying to compete with the ‘male ego’. From what I see the women are trying to establish themselves independently so that they can exist with/without men.

Not that I am being a feminist here. But the order of the world is changing and only for the good.

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”

-        Marilyn Monroe

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 4 - Is it that easy to let go?

It was the most important day of my life in Seattle. I had Big 4 applications to be made and as expected my resume and cover letter were still in the making. To add to it the ghost of my illness had attacked me the night before. I was screwed up by all 3 directions and she made sure that I was attacked from the fourth too.

I woke by being bombarded by her messages. She had all the right to be angry at me but I had no right to retaliate. She had the freedom of speech but I didn’t. She could say whatever she wanted at any point of the day and I couldn’t. And all this for the last 13 years. I’d decided to ignore her but she continued Viber’ing me. I decided to take matters to the higher court – our group.

With a lecture in my kitty and 4 applications to be ‘successfully’ made I did not want to be screwed that day. But there comes a time in my life every year when I am in deep s#!t and she pushes me into a deeper one. That moment of the year had arrived for me. I declared in our whatsapp group that I wasn’t going to talk to her or reply to her messages. And one of us typed the golden words –

“I was wondering if it is that easy to let go off people! Will you guys leave me too if I start throwing tantrums?”

I suddenly felt guilty about it and felt I shouldn’t take such rude steps. I wasn’t sure if I was letting go off my friendship with her but I realized that was how everyone was going to look at it. It was weird for me since I never let go off people in life. I have held on to her, our friendship for a fairly long time but time and again I have regretted my decision of holding on to her. Some people are purely high maintenance and I have realized I don’t have time for that. I am either too full of myself or have lost all my patience to maintain relationships…especially from across the globe. I’ve realized that some people are just not good for you or for your peace of mind. What do you do then? If it is a family member…well…you cannot really do anything about it. But if it is someone you can stay away from I think you should. Not all relationships can be maintained and not relationships are supposed to be.

I know not many shall agree to this but I refuse to feel frustrated and irritated once/twice every year. I refuse to fracture my thumb replying to long messages. I refuse to be vulnerable to a *friend* who hurts me all the time. I refuse to feel cold around someone. Not all relationships are easy-going but if they aren’t they aren’t meant to be. I have struggled with one for 13 years but not anymore. I just lack the patience for that.

I think it is easy to let go off people especially now when you have no time to keep the relationships going. Sometimes you can maintain 3 relationships instead of maintaining a high-maintenance one. It is not recommended but that is all you can do to spare yourself from being attacked again.

P.S: I still love her and wish her the best.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 3 - Expectations strike again!

Love/Like/Friendship à Expectations à Frustration and Pain à Mind f***d.

Life feels so scary and apprehensive at times. I feel bound to a set of ‘Things to do’ these days. I have realized that a diary can help me out greatly. But I cannot write my emotional to-do in a calendar, can I?

I’ve thought time and again about the part of my life which has been sabotaged by expectations. I have a really unfortunate habit of expecting great deals out of people, especially the ones I like. Naturally, it is not wrong to expect a little out of people. But there is a very thin line between the two – little expectations and going overboard. And then the definition of ‘thin’ differs from people to people. ‘Fat is the new thin’ for me but for some ‘thin ceases to exist’.

Priorities kill Expectations. I failed to understand the relation earlier. Now I do. ‘Priority’ is the new excuse in town. ‘I did not do this because I had a different priority’ suddenly made super sense to me when I heard the usage a couple of times over a couple of days. I wonder if ‘friends/relatives/spouse/crushes’ fit in ‘priority’ or is it strictly ‘personal’? I guess priorities are influenced by personal choices. Suddenly a thing that would have been the last thing you would do on earth becomes a priority to avoid an expectation. Can happen! Happened to me!

Anyway, expectation is a curse for sure…the curse that has made me the Queen of Mood Swings. I’ve finally decided not to expect anything or at least to lessen expectations from life. I should realize life is not here to serve me whatever I want in a platter. That is one thing life never does. I have learnt this the hard way…still learning…

Mood: Disappointed and Sad.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 1 - Of faith and hope...

 

So I arrive in this beautiful city…flying from over Dubai, Baghdad, Greenland and what not…half-drunk (partly to recover the flight ticket and partly following orders). The immigration, customs, wifi was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The jet-lag asked too much of me. And so did my phone connection. I started my house-hunt right from the 1^st day of the week. Struggled all the way along. Walked like never before…saw unusual things…tried hard to do away my thoughts of going back.

There comes a day in everyone’s life when he/she wants to go back to the pavilion. That day came into my life right in the 1^st week of my Seattle Life. I had no house, no job, no money… nothing at all. I cribbed about it to a friend…and he helped just his few words. It’s like someone is always there to watch your back. We just need to have faith. And when you lose faith God makes sure that faith is reaffirmed. We all need something to keep us going. One quote, one man, one friend, one thought, one situation… just one thing. And then the dwindling thoughts are just a passé.

Fortunately, the thought of going back has never entered ever since.*touchwood* But I suddenly have full faith in faith. Faith…hope...belief…whatever you call it… that is what keeps the life going. J

Life’s good.

You can find the reasons for my re-affirmed faith below. J