Sleepless in Seattle - Part 4 - Is it that easy to let go?

It was the most important day of my life in Seattle. I had Big 4 applications to be made and as expected my resume and cover letter were still in the making. To add to it the ghost of my illness had attacked me the night before. I was screwed up by all 3 directions and she made sure that I was attacked from the fourth too.

I woke by being bombarded by her messages. She had all the right to be angry at me but I had no right to retaliate. She had the freedom of speech but I didn’t. She could say whatever she wanted at any point of the day and I couldn’t. And all this for the last 13 years. I’d decided to ignore her but she continued Viber’ing me. I decided to take matters to the higher court – our group.

With a lecture in my kitty and 4 applications to be ‘successfully’ made I did not want to be screwed that day. But there comes a time in my life every year when I am in deep s#!t and she pushes me into a deeper one. That moment of the year had arrived for me. I declared in our whatsapp group that I wasn’t going to talk to her or reply to her messages. And one of us typed the golden words –

“I was wondering if it is that easy to let go off people! Will you guys leave me too if I start throwing tantrums?”

I suddenly felt guilty about it and felt I shouldn’t take such rude steps. I wasn’t sure if I was letting go off my friendship with her but I realized that was how everyone was going to look at it. It was weird for me since I never let go off people in life. I have held on to her, our friendship for a fairly long time but time and again I have regretted my decision of holding on to her. Some people are purely high maintenance and I have realized I don’t have time for that. I am either too full of myself or have lost all my patience to maintain relationships…especially from across the globe. I’ve realized that some people are just not good for you or for your peace of mind. What do you do then? If it is a family member…well…you cannot really do anything about it. But if it is someone you can stay away from I think you should. Not all relationships can be maintained and not relationships are supposed to be.

I know not many shall agree to this but I refuse to feel frustrated and irritated once/twice every year. I refuse to fracture my thumb replying to long messages. I refuse to be vulnerable to a *friend* who hurts me all the time. I refuse to feel cold around someone. Not all relationships are easy-going but if they aren’t they aren’t meant to be. I have struggled with one for 13 years but not anymore. I just lack the patience for that.

I think it is easy to let go off people especially now when you have no time to keep the relationships going. Sometimes you can maintain 3 relationships instead of maintaining a high-maintenance one. It is not recommended but that is all you can do to spare yourself from being attacked again.

P.S: I still love her and wish her the best.

Over think-ing!

So I reached office unusually early today and had breakfast on time too (which happened after 7 months maybe). I was constantly reminding myself to be extremely humble to everyone (mom asked me to be- blame it on my bad horoscope). So… we were at the breakfast table and I told this to my cubie. I told her how my pearl (which is supposed to suppress my anger) has not really been working at all. I have been acting like a volcano quite literally and am sort of fed up of it. She said, “But when do you get angry?? I cannot believe that you do!” Well, I was very happy that she thought so high of me but I had no way of explaining my idiotic behavior to her. Anyway, the day progressed.

I was trying to concentrate on my ‘almost no work’ when I decided to enter the bad world (read: office communicator). I’ve kept away from it for a lot of reasons. Primarily because I wanted to keep to myself. It’s irritating at times to entertain people you’ve been running away from (long list for me). Somehow I ended up logging in and pinging a close friend of mine. I had to blurt things out. A lot has been bothering me these days. Life is not really rosy. So anyway, just when I thought I was feeling good about myself my cubie said, “Chalo, chocolates leke aaye. X is leaving today.”

I looked at her in horror. This was the nth guy who was leaving my wing in the past few weeks. My wing has witnessed at least one ‘Last working day - Sweets at my desk’ every week in the past few weeks. This week had been marked too. I had met X at the Indian ocean concert. I checked my mail box to see if he had invited me. There lied the 2 emails… ‘Last day at work’ and ‘Sweets at my desk – FCFS!’.

We went to see him. Yes, I took 2 extra chocolates (as usual). I tried to talk to him like this…

“Congrats. Where to?”, I asked with a super sad face somehow.

“Bangalore.”

“So, you had appeared for all those exams?” (P.S: I had no idea what those exams are.)

“Yes.” He said this as he was attending a prank call from his regional friends.

My cubie entered the conversation asking if he joined as a PO. I had no idea what it was. I realized that I had no knowledge about any other sector. But it is okay. As if I had a lot of knowledge about the sector I was working for I thought.

While returning to my desk I shared one of the 3 picked up chocolates with my senior (works as a bribe so that he does not give me work).  I reached my second home. I found myself staring at his ‘Last day email’. I wonder why I was so shocked! I guess I was more worried than shocked. Not because another person I knew was leaving but because I had no idea about my future. I saw dreams, worked for them, and that’s it. I haven’t really seen a ray of hope yet. My nerves felt tensed. My future was in darkness. Probably that is what has been bothering me so much for the last few days I thought. I had been a mobile volcano for the last few days and felt the most miserable in ages. Miserable, helpless, whatever you call it.

The uncertainties were bothering me. My plans have been completely random for the past few months – from deciding to get married to deciding against it to planning to study to pursuing random crushes… it has all been super random. My life can as well be the new definition of random.

Suddenly, I found myself worrying about the pani puri from the FC. Time was running out and it would be finished soon. I decided to run towards my new goal. And I missed out on that too; it was over by the time I started pursuing it. I returned disappointed to find that I did not really have much work to do. So I decided to go a little extra mile and wrote a user story for a scenario not covered. Ofcourse I was happy about it.

My boss came over. I showed him that scenario (since I had used my brains for it). I asked him my doubts (I am sure he will remember me forever as his most doubt-full team member). And he told me that the extra scenario I had written would only spoil the estimate and was unwanted. I was disappointed again since that was the only story I had used my rotting brain for! He told me that I had over-thought about the scenario and that I needed to stop thinking at all.

He was right. I had over thought a lot. Not just about the scenario but about life too. I had been super tensed over the past few days for all sorts of reasons. I had always been an inch away from crying because of the uncertainty which was not all that bad. I saw dreams, worked for it, and had done whatever I could have. I had played well and the ball was in God’s court now… or luck’s court… or in whomsoever it may concern’s court. I just have to keep calm and wait for the ball to be thrown back at me. Then I could both stand dumb and let it hit me right on my face or be prepared and hit it back wonderfully. I decided not to think and keep calm.

I realized the power of ‘over thinking’. It has all the power to wipe off sanity and let all the bad thoughts flow. It just makes you miserable. It makes you wonder…and wonder…till you start thinking negative and cry about the whole situation (unnecessarily). The hypothetical thinking does not really work well at times. Sometimes, I feel it is better not to think at all rather than over-think. That was not going to help me in my scenarios though.

Anyway, I deleted that scenario, saved the document and shut down my computer. I thought it was time for me to live and let live my brain too. I realized my misery flew away in no time after I stopped over-thinking. And, of course I realized that my pearl had not stopped working after all.

What kind are you?

It was 3 pm and the AC was in full swing. My eyelids were heavier than they were a minute ago. I glanced at the monitor every once a while to assure myself that this too shall pass. I tried to speak up in between so that my lead thought I was paying enough attention (which I was clearly not). My mind was full asleep and I could have fallen flat on my face any moment. Suddenly she said, “I know you can do it. You know everything”. And I lost all my sleep. The ‘Knowledge Transfer’ session was over and I was expected to know ‘everything’. I looked at my colleagues and realized they were totally excited about the new project. I opened my eyes and looked around. My workplace suddenly seemed categorized:

1.  The ‘You know everything’ people – All bosses, leads, senior professionals fall under this category. This category enjoys the freedom and frequent opportunities to say ‘You know everything’ to all the people working with them. The other sentences that they use is ‘You can do it.’, ‘Ask me if you have any doubts’ etc. But when you actually have doubts they are too ‘busy’ to help you out. They make you feel like a Superman before they give you a critical task. People wear ‘Superman’ T-shirts but sometimes you feel like wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I am not a Superman’. Additionally, they have all the authority to levy additional responsibilities on you (can be personal too). But you have to be in good books of this category because they have full control of your career.

2. The Blessed – Some people are just blessed with whatever skills. A few ones are always in demand. If you have knowledge you can show off. The first category fights to hire people from this category. People from this category are super blessed to be never out of work. They earn all the perks, accolades, love, and compensatory offs (the most important). They can demand anything from the first category and believe me, they get it. They can make the first category dance to their tunes. They are not really worried about their appraisals and feedbacks because they know they are wanted. Basically, they rule.

3. The Butterflies – There was a saying ‘Jack of all trades but Master of none’. Well, people from this category are the Masters of all trades. The above saying does not hold true for them. The people from this category are everywhere and they are good at whatever. The guy can be an award-winning employee and win a modeling contest too! These people are social butterflies and hence are omnipresent. They know everyone and everyone knows them. They are demi-celebrities. You can easily recognize people from this category because they can be seen wherever you go.

4. The resources – A chunk of the employees fall in this category. The people from this category generally come to work before the working hours begin and work till forever. They seldom take breaks and are always tensed. They easily fall prey to all the ‘important tasks to be accomplished over the weekend’. They worship work. ‘Fun’ is a far-fetched dream for them. They are the ‘nice people’ who never complain. ‘The more the merrier’ is what they think about work. They adhere to all the deadlines and they are the only ones who take clients seriously. The people from category 1 need people from this category. This category secretly wishes to be like category 3 and is envious of category 2.