Sleepless in Seattle - Part 22 - Moving on

'I am moving on'.... these 4 words made him weak in his knees and the forbidden to happen. Never mind...

Coming out of my relationship hasn't been easy. Especially since we were inseparable for the past 2 years. The addiction and habit were stronger than expected. He moved on and so I had to start my attempts too. The baby steps I took were as below -

1. Watching Netflix alone - Everything I'd every watched on television was with him by my side. Initially, even the thought of watching TV alone made me cry. So, I started my life by mustering enough courage to watch Netflix alone. So far so good on that front.

2. Change your habits - Obviously, everything reminded me of him. So I decided to alter my memories. I started by doing things alone...like... drinking by myself, smoking up alone, taking a bath alone(I know! But I am talking about a bath in the bathtub with candles lit) and so on. I am trying to do everything I did with him all by myself so that I don't have his memories attached to those things anymore.
For a really long time, I could not even listen to Ellie Goulding or Katy Perry or Drake or Justin Bieber by myself. Even the thought of those songs made me cry. So, I started listening to those songs on social occasions/events and with different places. That helped me alter my memories attached to them. However, here #theStruggleIsReal

3. Distractions - I am heavily relied on my hobbies to keep me occupied since my friends aren't that awesome. I've started keeping my mind occupied all the time.
I read a book on my way to work and back. Working hours are busy and so I don't need distractions there.
After work, I have started working out. Nike Training Club Rocks! Now, I prefer to die of extreme exertion than think about him and sulk.
I am determined to get engrossed in TV and finish a few TV series that I am watching currently. If the episode isn't good enough I try to read a book or something while TV plays in the background so that my mind does not wander into unwanted territories.
I also sleep really early for my age. 9:30 PM is when I put myself to sleep. The struggle is real here because there are days when I gulp down 7 shots of Coffee and that changes my sleep cycle. So, I stay conscious about my coffee-drinking habits.
Weekends are mostly forgettable. However, I am trying to go out for photo-walks more often and I have decided not to say 'No' to any plan anymore.
After reading 'The power of Habit" I have realized that changing my cues and habits is going to be the best way out.

4. The Prospective Grooms - With capital 'P' and 'G'. The list of prospectives is growing. It's time I actually start filtering guys out. I want to reject them all. However, parents have become increasingly strict about that. Hence, I no more have the authority to reject guys for stupid reasons. God knows who I am going to end up with. Initially, I found it difficult to even talk to other guys, purely because I still wanted him back... maybe I still do... but whatever. But now, it's been better. Let's see how that goes.

I guess I am moving on well. I amused myself by tweeting the following the other day -

I loved you good. I moved on better.

If 'moving on' was a game... I aced it!

Current thought: 15 mins before I have to absolutely start getting ready.
Current song: Dil dhadakne Do
Current mood: Sleepy

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 21 - My security blanket

Addiction of every kind is bad. Being addicted to a person is the worst of all. I am trying hard to 'de-addict' myself. If that is even a word and is a possibility. There have been relapses but I am doing better. Or so I think.

I have hardly watched an entire movie in the last 2 years with him, or even a television series for that matter.

Why? Because I couldn’t help sleeping off. Be it 'Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya' or 'Shameless' I have slept off watching every one of them.

Why? Because I could not resist sleeping on his shoulders/in his arms.

Why? Because he was my security blanket and I loved/love him.

It feels really weird to even watch Television alone or to even read a book. There is this void that the loss of my security blanket has created and I doubt if anyone can fill that. Teddy bears don’t really help. There is this feeling of emptiness all the time. Maybe my brain is still trying to get out of the habit of not having him around or maybe I was always a lone wolf and never realized that.

I wonder why I even need a security blanket on the first place! I am an adult, have a job, can pay my own bills (maybe), have an amazing family, good friends… I am a strong (LOL), self-made and an independent woman! I don’t know what's missing! Or maybe I do. Let's face it…life is going to suck for a while without him and without my security blanket. I either have to search for a new one or learn to sleep without it. I have decided to choose the latter.

Current mood: Weird

Current thought: Why can't I be secure and happy?

Current song: None

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 20 - Mind is a drunken monkey

After the moving was done we all decided to go to Earl's for a drink. I thought I would go home after a cocktail or two. Unfortunately, my friend could not find her ID and hence we ended up drinking at home, again. It was whiskey, again. And I messed up, again.

I had blocked him from my phone, WhatsApp and everywhere else. I have no clue how and why I managed to unblock him and text him. A lot. Obviously, I told him that I loved him, wanted him back and wrote down every thought I was trying to curb and bury in my brain.

I am so disappointed with myself. I was trying to put a brave face all this while, pretended to be super strong and happy. I thought my mind was stronger than this. I don’t know what I am more sorry about… about messaging him or relapsing into my old self. I am really really disappointed and disgusted at myself right now. I cease to feel like myself since Saturday. I wonder if I should call him and apologize! But knowing him, I am sure he expected me to do rant. Also, knowing him, it is best for me to never get in touch with him again. I am sure he hates me for all those messages and is super pissed. I am shocked he hasn’t killed me yet. I should expect that any time since he even knows the security code to my building.

Obviously, I haven't moved on. Maybe, I never will. I don’t know how long it is going to be before I can even think of some other guy. My best friend asked me to get into a rebound relationship but that is not a good option. Neither is CMB, Dil Mil or Tinder. I just need to be alone for a while I think and muster all courage to move on. Never thought I would be hungover over a guy so much. Also, I figured I should never have whiskey again since it messes my head every time.

Current song: Just some random tune. No clue which song.

Current thought: Sorry and disappointed

Current mood: Dark

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 19 - Shell'd up me

I have been on 4 arranged marriage dates till date and none of them has worked out. None of them even holds a future. I have also had a number of google hangouts of which none of them are going to work out either. I fail to know if it is my problem or it's something else.

I have this protective shell around me that cannot be brought down by anyone (maybe not even my ex). There is this shield around me that I do not allow anyone to penetrate. If anyone tries to flirt with me I shot them down immediately and in a very rude manner. I know that's wrong. As an eligible bachelorette I should talk to men… but I just don’t want to. Maybe it is because I am just a month and a half out of my breakup and all bitter right now. Maybe I have lost trust in all men and have started thinking that I am never going to get the love of my life and hence, it does not even matter who I get married to. It just doesn’t matter.

It's true that I still want him back despite all the horrible things he has done to me. I still spent the entire last weekend crying and I die a little every day every time I think of him with her. I just cannot feel happy about it. A friend of mine asked me to accept the fact and move on. But that is just impossible. I cannot accept it and moving on is still beyond the horizon. I am definitely getting there though.

I am trying hard to move on. I am meeting guys, who would not fit my dating bucket ever, for arranged marriage. I am putting myself out there because I know that if I don’t put myself out there none can cut through my shell. If I do not deem myself vulnerable none will be able to touch the air around me. Let's face it… I am never going to fall for anyone in my life now and my marriage might just as well be a compromise in my mind. I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen though. I also downloaded those crazy dating apps. I know nothing is going to work…but… whatever.

I am so glad I am not a vampire. Ek lifetime ka love life nahi sambhal raha… I would have gone crazy with eternity by my side.

Current thought: Where is all the love?

Current mood: Drunken monkey

Current song: Something in the way you move…