How casual can you get?

Every day a new kind of relationship is invented. From marriage to relationship to affair to now casual relationship we can see relationships getting weaker. Marriage, a supposedly strong bond, comes with a warranty period too these days. I have taken special interest in ‘casual relationships’ though.

To correctly define the term ‘casual relationship’ google helped me. A casual relationship is a pure sexual relationship in which both the partners are in it only to satisfy their physical needs. It is much more than a one-night stand (it is in fact a series of it) and much lesser than a full-blown relationship. The partners have an amicable agreement of their own terms and conditions. They usually know each other and are friends/acquaintances before they enter such an arrangement. The relationship works perfectly well…err…till one of the partner falls in love.

The casual relationship comes with a lot of complications despite the amicable agreement!! Generally, the partners tend to spend a lot of time and share things together. As a result they become used to having each other around at times of trouble and advice. Generally, one partner is more dependent on the other for his/her needs. In such a scenario the lesser dependent partner has an upper hand in the relationship and the relationship is at his/her disposal. Also, the more submissive partner might go to any lengths to make the relationship work because he/she needs it more (or so he/she thinks!).

They say there is no room for jealousy and belongingness in a casual relationship. I find that very odd though. I do not know how belongingness can be kept away from a sexual relationship. It would be hurtful if a casual relationship partner gives more preference to someone else of the opposite gender (maybe applicable only to women). Jealousy and possessiveness are too difficult to separate; though that can happen with time.

Once the casual relationship reaches a dead end (always in a matter of months) it can be difficult for the partners to hang around each other since it might get awkward. Since in maximum cases they already know each other it can be a little hard. Also, the partners usually have to recover from the relationship all by themselves since very few people apart from them know about this relationship. People do not wish to divulge about such relationships to other friends because of a variety of embarrassment, worry about others being judgmental etc. Also, both the partners are worried about falling in love! There is a thin line between ‘no strings attached’ and ‘strings attached’. And the thin line fades off pretty soon.

They say it all goes bad in the woman’s head. Well, it does. A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin. Women produce more of this hormone which makes them more vulnerable to fall in love with the guy they had sex with. Unfortunately, the release of oxytocin is not dependent on whether the guy is right or wrong. Whether you are cuddling with the love of your life or with your casual relationship partner the hormone makes you put down your guards. This is also a reason why you feel bad even when a short term relationship ends.

 I never thought of this ‘chemical lochya’ until recently. Life is too short to think and judge and decide what is right or wrong. It is better to regret about something you did and failed at rather than regretting about something you wanted to do but did not. Such kind of a relationship is rampant and I would be shocked if anyone has not come across one yet. Attractions happen all the time. You meet new people and like them. But it is not possible for us to fall in love with everyone so someone found a mid-way. We never know whether a relationship is right or wrong. But the thing that we know for sure is that relationships are losing their strength. The levels of a relationship are stepping down and I want to know how casual can it get?

Current mood: Sleepy

Current song: Zubeidaa title track

Current mood: Kya aap close-up kartey hai? 

Sleepless in Seattle – Part 8 - Three and a half

It was a tiresome Tuesday. I was at the airport…err… working. After a hesitant start I thought I could nail my current job. It was not as bad as I thought it would be but it was worse. I knew I the hiccups would not just be in the initial phase but throughout till the end. That’s how my life has been. Never mind.

So my boss, who was also struggling with his work, asked me on my way back, “How long have you been here?” to which I replied, “A little over 3 months.” Wow! I have survived quite a bit here I thought. I quickly tried to summarize the last 3 months of my life as follows -

1.     Roti – Tough times with food. Busy schedule did not allow us to eat properly. Haven’t really been eating properly. I can count upto 5 days when I have survived over water because of busy schedule. Poor me.

2.     Kapda – Tough times here too. I could not get clothes for myself when I went out to shop. Very few for XS. Apart from jackets I haven’t bought anything yet…but still. Would love to shop with a local. I love their dressing sense!

3.     Makaan – Who said things don’t break down in USA? Things break down and people don’t work in case of holidays. How I wish it was as easy as calling the plumber uncle as it was back in India! We survived the thanksgiving holidays without a bath-tub and without having bath. Thank God our excessively sweet landlord paid for our spa sessions.

4.     Paisa – My sexy and saucy boss forgot to turn in my time-sheets. So, I have not been getting paid on time. Whatever little money I am entitled to is still in the bank. Also, wonder why I have been paying so much of taxes! I could not set up direct deposit and bosses have no clue how to do it either. My imaginary ring helps me eat!

5.     Health – Pathetic. I am glad I am alive and sane to write this post.

6.     Padhai - I do not remember when the quarter started and how it ended. Everything in between these two days was very frustrating and hazy. I hardly remember anything. One of the very few things that I remember are readings, crying for grades, swearing at people for cutting unnecessary marks, banging my head over citations, project work and trying hard to showcase my work. Hope everything went well.

7.     Friends – I need to work on this one badly. Got back with my estranged best friend though. Realized how much I had missed him over the time. Happy to have a Doctor best friend too. Life is easier when your ring is also a friendship band. Yaeiboo, Waram and Friends Forever continue to rock. Life would have been nothing without them.

Current mood: Drowsy

Current thought: Mi kashi tujhya savey chukle vaat rey?

Current song: Ghan Rani

Is Monogamy too much to ask for?

It was late evening and I was surfing the idiot box. Suddenly I saw this all new talk show hosted by someone from the film industry. The guest was one of the famous soap movie directors. The movie director spoke about everything other than his movies and for the first time made sense to me. I was stumped with what he ended his talk with. It went something like this…

“Everybody cheats. Everybody who gets an opportunity cheats. Of course, you can expect people from remote parts of the country like from Leh and Ladakh to be faithful because they don’t meet anybody. But here, where people meet interesting people all the time, infidelity exists rampantly.”

I’ve been watching SATC lately and hence I know…in some part of the world monogamy rarely exists but still something like this in a country like ours took me by surprise. Then I decided to open my eyes a little wider.

My mom started talking to me about a not-so-comfortable-topic ‘Relationships’. Then I asked her about a family-friend of ours about whom she thought I had forgotten. Apparently the latest developments were devastating. The Mr. and Mrs. were married for 28 years…. And… there was another Mrs. for the past 25 years about whom the Mrs. No 1 was not aware of. The Mrs. No. 1 would not have learnt about the relationship ever if not for constant phone calls on their recent foreign trip.

When I look around I see infidelity at our age all the time - people two-timing people, one-night stands, casual relationships (the new trend) and what not. I wonder where all this is taking us in terms of the faithfulness part. Will Monogamy slowly disappear? Is it wrong for you to ask your partner not to look out for pleasure from other sources? Where would such couples stand in terms of trust, security, faithfulness and dedication on a scale of 1 to 10?

The opportunities in today’s world are great. We meet new and awesome people all the time; more awesome than the ones waiting for us at home for dinner. But it’s all in the moment. The bigger picture has to be looked after. There might be moments with someone new all the time but we have to know what the bigger picture requires us to do and if the new fling fits in it. Some say cheating partners make better husbands/father because of the guilt pangs. But it tosses trust, faithfulness and everything else in the dustbin. Some people cheat just for the rush of it but according to me there is more rush in togetherness and the emotional bonding that you have with your spouse. Sometimes emptiness, unhappiness, insecurity and loneliness makes a person enter into another relationship. In this case it is best to talk to your partner about your feelings.

Maybe emotional availability is what is required to make a relationship stronger. Also, we should make sure that the level of attention which we give our partners should not lessen. It’s difficult taken our careers and busy schedules but I suppose this is what it takes to be *together*. I hope monogamy survives this difficult phase because I want it to exist by the time my imaginary ring becomes a real one.