Sleepless in Seattle - Part 19 - Shell'd up me

I have been on 4 arranged marriage dates till date and none of them has worked out. None of them even holds a future. I have also had a number of google hangouts of which none of them are going to work out either. I fail to know if it is my problem or it's something else.

I have this protective shell around me that cannot be brought down by anyone (maybe not even my ex). There is this shield around me that I do not allow anyone to penetrate. If anyone tries to flirt with me I shot them down immediately and in a very rude manner. I know that's wrong. As an eligible bachelorette I should talk to men… but I just don’t want to. Maybe it is because I am just a month and a half out of my breakup and all bitter right now. Maybe I have lost trust in all men and have started thinking that I am never going to get the love of my life and hence, it does not even matter who I get married to. It just doesn’t matter.

It's true that I still want him back despite all the horrible things he has done to me. I still spent the entire last weekend crying and I die a little every day every time I think of him with her. I just cannot feel happy about it. A friend of mine asked me to accept the fact and move on. But that is just impossible. I cannot accept it and moving on is still beyond the horizon. I am definitely getting there though.

I am trying hard to move on. I am meeting guys, who would not fit my dating bucket ever, for arranged marriage. I am putting myself out there because I know that if I don’t put myself out there none can cut through my shell. If I do not deem myself vulnerable none will be able to touch the air around me. Let's face it… I am never going to fall for anyone in my life now and my marriage might just as well be a compromise in my mind. I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen though. I also downloaded those crazy dating apps. I know nothing is going to work…but… whatever.

I am so glad I am not a vampire. Ek lifetime ka love life nahi sambhal raha… I would have gone crazy with eternity by my side.

Current thought: Where is all the love?

Current mood: Drunken monkey

Current song: Something in the way you move…

#NoteToSelf Always make a list

Life is funny...life has been funny...really really funny.
I have amazing set of friends, super amazing and remarkably big family, amazing job with a big brand (I would have loved to have more money...but ah well!) and life is finally being nice to me (Except in the love department... of course, I don't have one anymore). So finally I can help everyone else clear some fog in their head and see things better and more realistically.

Are you not satisfied with your job but cannot switch because it is secure and pays well? Have you been unable to decide what kind of a partner you want? Have you been switching careers too often? Have you been unable to decide what city to live in? Do you want to travel but cannot because of stupid reasons? Read on....

Make a list. Make several lists. They can be of the following categories to start with (you can add your own too and leave them in the comments section) -

1. Things you absolutely want - This is your bucket list. List all the things you absolutely want to do in life. The list can include things you are passionate about, things you want to do at any cost, things that you cannot alter, and must do's in life.
For example, Visiting 25 countries, getting published by the time you are 30, writing a post every alternate day etc.

2. Things you absolutely do not want - Make a list of things that you dislike/hate/find negative/cannot deal with/want to remove from your life etc. This list can have people, features, qualities or anything else on it. You will be surprised by this list.
For example, Low paying job, lack of fixed budget, impulsive spending habit etc.

3. Things that are important to you - This list may consist of people, different relations you want to maintain and so on.
For example, This list should consist of things that are absolutely essential for you in life viz - taking care of parents, helping someone out every time they need you, cooking for your friends etc.

4. Positives - Make a list of things that are positive in your life. Read this list every time you are down.
For example, Degree from an Ivy League school, good job, confidence etc.

5. Negatives - Make a list of things that are negative in your life. Try to change these. This list is different from the list no. 2 because these are things that you may/may not control and/or wish to change.
For example, Negative thinking, judging people etc.

6. Nice to have's - Make a list of things that would be nice if done but you should not be hungover if they do not happen.
For example, Big boobs etc.

After you are done with the creation of lists weigh them against each other and decide the sacrifices that you are ready to make. You will realize what you really want and the revelations will be pretty shocking. It will help change your attitude and priorities in life. It will really help you sort your life and help you focus on things that you really should be doing.

Hope this helps! Suggestions and Comments are welcome!

Current thought: I need some coffee
Current mood: Wake up and smell coffee
Current song: N/A

#NoteToSelf - Everything is created twice...

You know there are times when you get what you want...and don't get what you are doubtful about? Well... that's what happens to me. I've successfully gotten what I've wanted and successfully flunked in situations/interviews/relationships I have had doubts about even remotely.
For example - Whenever I got interviews I would look up the salaries on glassdoor and doubt the compensation or the culture of the company. As a result, none of those interviews worked out and I am still jobless. Also, I cleared the 5 loop rounds for an organization with flying colors because I had cleared the interviews in my head.When I stepped into that beautiful conference room overlooking the Rainier I knew I wanted to work there. However, for the 7th round I was doubtful about the analysis I had done and I flunked that round of interview. Hence, the eternal joblessness. Maybe I would have pulled it off if I had not doubted my work or myself.
It struck me that in my previous relationship that may have been what went wrong. I did have doubts about us. I always thought that he would go to someone else...and guess what? He did! I don't know if it is the power of our brain or destiny or mere co-incidences but whatever we think does happen in reality. If you think of it I am sure you would find a few of such incidences too.

Robin Sharma says -

"Everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality."

Freaking hell! I believe him now. I don't know if this quote is also applicable to undoing the damage. I do not know if I can get a job or I can get him back in my life. I do not know. But I certainly want to see how things unravel. I am sure things will change once I change the way I think. I am trying to emerge stronger after my episode. The 'Day _ of being strong" series has started since Saturday and today is Day 5. Hopefully all will be well soon.

Also, please feel free to mention your escapades with this quote in the comment section of this post.

Current mood: Super sensitive

Current song: Da da dasse, Udta Punjab

Current thought: Fukat mei spent $10 at Chipotle.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 18 - What does not kill you now might kill you soon...

It's been a while since I have smiled. I am too tired of applying for a job, getting rejected, talking to recruiters, getting shut down by them, giving interviews, rescheduling them 100 times, waiting for the results, getting shut down again... and again... and again. And the cycle continues. As if this was not enough I am tired of my ever-threatening love life too. Life is never a walk in the park after all.

I always thought I was above average despite all my failures. I did fail but then always surprised everyone with amazing results later on. I always got the best job, best internship, top-notch school... everything had gone well so far. I must have failed innumerable times in life (flunked 20 interviews since March 2016. Hence proved). There have been times when I have wanted to give up... on everything.. be it my relationships, studying, coursework, exams. But something always made me hold the strings tight, something never let me quit, something told me to go one extra mile, showed me a ray of hope. But let's face it... that was a long time ago. I have never been afraid of failures and that I think was my strength. But now... one more failure and the pieces I am in right now will be powdered by a road-roller. I will never be able to gather myself; it is hard enough right now.

For today... I am totally let down by that 'something'. The ambition that brought me so far, that made me invest so much of money in myself, made me dream of the wonders of the world has vanished somewhere. I no more see the spark in me. I have lost all the willpower to succeed in life. Life has played its move and is waiting for me to play my next... or rather dodge the one it played. Frankly speaking, I have lost all the will to even play the game no more. I do not wish to face the wrath of life anymore. Everyone around me says I am turning negative... well... little do they know why.

My moods have changed greatly. I no longer want to talk to people for I only speak negative. When I read the word 'optimism' I do not understand what it means. I shout at every living thing because of stress. I obviously have given up on God too. I firmly believe he does not exist and cares shit about me at least. If he cared even a little bit my worries and fears would have ended a long time ago. I would have been happier if God existed. My roommates are worried about me. Yesterday, one of them looked at me and said, "I am afraid of you being so worried" and I did not know how to react. This coming from a girl who sees me only once every week owing to crazy schedules. I bet she thinks she will have to call 911 some day. Well, I think the same.

The only guy I have ever loved cares a fuck about me. He has been lying to me for the past 2 years. That has made me feel that my relationship was a sham. It was nothing more than an encounter to him while I was drowned in love. I recently discovered the plethora of lies he spoke under the pretext of 'not hurting me' and I feel disgusted. No kidding. No exaggeration. Unfortunately, I even know when he lies to me which makes it even worse. I have never been fond of liars and hence I am deeply hurt. Despite the fact that everything has ended between us I just did not want to feel betrayed. But now I do. I still wish for us to be together because that is what love is! The relationship has been rough since forever. I should have never taken him back... when he came back from Chicago, or from Atlanta, or from India, or just after every casual fight. I gave him opportunities... many of them... to hurt me...just adding to the list of my failures. And look where my love life has left me! My rock bottom has hit new depths. Now there is rock bottom, 10000 feet of crap, 100000000 feet of shit...and then me. There is no way out. There is no ray of hope. I could gather myself to write this blog purely because I took 3 anti-depressants before leaving for work. I could hardly think straight before that. June is going to be the worst month of my life... hands down. I will be shocked if I survive it.

They say 'Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.'... believe me... my shit is killing me. It might as well kill me literally. I hope I get out of this soon enough... till my next blog post. I have become strong enough now... however, it will be great if life does not try to push me down further or I might soon reach the core of the earth.

Current mood: Life is crap
Current thought: God/Higher power does not exist. Don't take any more anti-depressants.
Current song: Love the way you lie

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 17 - Glorious Uncertainties Certain...

This has been my favorite phrase for years now... "Glorious Uncertainties Certain". Partially because I have always been in trouble.. i have always failed in life..and then learnt from all my mistakes and come over it. Today, I go through something similar and I am so excited to see what I am going to end up with.

I am so excited right now. I have no clue what is in store for me!!
Like...it is so unpredictable. I don't have a job yet. I don't know what role I will get into and where.. I don't know what place I will have to go to. I might just have to pack my bags in a day (worst case) and leave or just stay here in Seattle in my comfort zone (best case).
I don't know if I will have a boyfriend ever again... or who will I end up with!! Really, relationships have been so bad/good/stupid that I have no clue what is going to happen in that area. I cannot even imagine myself with anyone right now.
I don't know how my life will be after 2 months. Infact, life is not going to be the same even after a month. 1 month later, this day, I shall be in California. Life may or may not be the same. But I am sure it's not gonna be the same.. itl be so different.. and amazing.. that I might not believe.. that I might forget all the bad moments that I have spent... all the days and nights I have cried... all the mistakes will be forgiven... Life will be beautiful.
Over all.. I am so excited!! This is going to be so amazing!!

Now I wanna know what is written for me.

Current thought: Life is beautiful
Current song: I love cheap thrills by Sia
Current mood: Daaru-Baba

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 16 - Challenging my entire belief system

So for this, I need to tell you a little story.

November 2015 - I went crazy because of the 'then break-up'. I cried profusely (read: 6 times a day) every day for the entire month praying for him to come back. I went to the height of keeping the idol of Ganesha in water (something I should not have done but what might have worked) and prayed every minute amidst my assignments (not kidding) for him to come back to me. He returned on the last day of November and I was supposed to leave on the 7th of December. I met him, we fought, but ate the forbidden fruit too. But we separated again.

December 2015 - I gave up on God. I packed all the idols I had and handed them over to Dad the moment I landed. I did not visit a single temple while I was there (regretted later). I mentioned that to my family and they were obviously upset. But they did not say anything since they knew it was a temporary phase. At the end of my trip, I did visit a few temples and sought blessings. Somehow, my family reinstated my faith.

January 2016 - I came back and obviously did not contact him. I had decided to myself that the relationship had ended and that I was destined to get married to someone else. And he came back. I obviously took him back (should not have). Things were fine till now. Then he did it again...

April 2016 - I placed the idols in the water again. I did that so God would see the intensity of my wishes and grant them to me. How stupid was I? Just because my relationship is not working out I made God suffer. Well, I am assuming here that God exists. I just happened to mention the thought to my grandMa. She was alarmed. She said it was a bad idea because bad things had happened in the past when someone from our family did so. That alarmed me too. I do not know if that was the fear of God or the thought of more evil things (adding more to the list) happening to me that scared me.

I am going so crazy right now that I have been keeping a tab on horoscopes from all the newspapers and trying to relate them to my life and his. So far I have not been able to gauge anything. The tarot readings have been negative. The horoscopes have been mixed. Also in case you guys had not noticed, there is a similarity between what Bejan Daruwala's 2016 Horoscopes book, the HT horoscope and the Marjorie horoscope from DNA. No kidding. I have been trying to connect bits and pieces and the puzzle since quite some time now. That has literally become my day job - open all the four horoscopes, compare and contrast, and assume how the dots of mine and his life can be connected. This has been driving me crazy. I shall become a total nutcase soon. If I do not write for a while you can safely assume that I am being taken care off in a mental asylum in Seattle.

Also, does God really exist? If he does then why doesn't he fulfil all our wishes? I know he is the only one who knows the bigger picture (personal experience). But why don't we know what the bigger picture is? I mean.... think about it... if it is our bigger picture shouldn't we know about it? I know there would be no fun and no surprises in life then but having an idea of what lies ahead would really be good. I wish to be mentally prepared for the future. Relying on one's guts does not work. I know guts and instincts exist for a reason but my guts have been only negative lately so I do not wish to trust them. Maybe I am cryptic ranting right now because I have too many unknowns in my life and I do not wish to be surprised (rather shocked) anymore. I fail to understand what happiness anyone would derive by seeing people suffer. If God exists I am sure he would not be a sadist.

How much should we believe in horoscopes? They say 'It's all written'.. well if it is then there is no point in palm reading, horoscopes or even astrology for that matter. If everything is already written all you can pray is for the script to be good.

Current thought: I do not know if God exists but alcohol does. So chalo daaru piney chaltey hai.
Current mood: #@#^@#
Current song: Let it rain it on me, Wildest dreams (Extremely situational)

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 15 - Happy realization

It was a little past 5 PM. She went to the kitchen to make coffee. He wanted one. His wish was her command. She also knew he wanted her to leave. He had 'given time' to 'someone' at 7 PM. He did not really look at the clock while she was around but somehow she sensed he wanted her to leave. They were together since 10 AM in the morning. Not a long time actually... but it felt long enough to her... even to someone who loved him from the bottom of her heart... to someone who prayed to be with him forever... to someone who had always put him before everything else in the world.

She wanted to please him... like she always had... So she decided to do the dishes and clean the messy kitchen. It was a huge pile of dishes but she was adamant. She kept the coffee on the stove top and she started doing the dishes. He was busy watching 'Shameless'. He called her a couple of times to check on her. She heard it but chose to ignore for the sheer reason of pleasing him with clean dishes. So much for love. And this was when she realised...

WHAT THE FUCK had she done to herself!!! She had literally lost everything to him and this 'relationship'. Her peace of mind, her mind... everything. She analyzed her life... No job, no peace of mind, no money, no life, no health... absolutely nothing... and she tried to find solace in a broken relationship. Something so shattered, that it will surely not last long. Or maybe it will. Her heart refused to let go... to let go off a relationship that she had invested everything in. She could let go because she did not want to...and could not lose hope... For a second the thought of doing all this to some other guy crossed her mind and she could not think further. Her mind froze. The kind of bonding, attachment and emotions that she had with him..... she did not know if she could replicate. Moreover, she did not know how to replicate it. She could not 'transfer' the attachment from this guy to the next... it is impossible. She knows she cannot get involved with anyone else the same way. She was not programmed for that. She is sure it cannot happen... will not happen...

Of course, this was not the first time this thought had crossed her mind. They were incapable of staying apart. They were addicted to each other. She knew the relationship was bad for her but she did not want to leave. She had fallen heads over heels in love with him and giving up on a relationship was not her thing. She had risked everything for him and now it was too late for them to leave. She wondered how he could leave her, walk away and settle down with someone else. She wondered how she would settle down with someone else when she had to. It is not easy to walk away from love, is it?

She had fallen in love before but this was different. This never started as love, never started as a relationship, was never a commitment, was never 'real' for the world. The relationship lived only in rumors. They never even spoke about it for the fear of freaking out the other partner.

It obviously pained her every time he mentioned that he is going to marry someone else. They knew their relationship was going to be a short one... but 2 years is a fairly long time. This lasted more than their past relationships. She prayed to God for him every day..... obviously, God has no plans of fulfilling her wish.

Current thought: Given up

Current mood: Thakaa-Haara

Current song: Govinda Govinda