Sleepless in Seattle - Part 7 - Why not everything at once?

“Kya karna kya hai tujhko life mei? You cannot get everything at once yar!” he said. And he said so to direct my crazy confused soul in a single direction for the upcoming quarter. My mind was indecisive. It still is. Life suddenly seems very restrictive. The sea of opportunities that I was dying to explore has just turned out to be a lake. We can traverse only a particular square. Sometimes, you just cannot cross the borders simply because there is too much at stake.

When I realized I cannot take all the courses I like I remembered all the things (recent times strictly) that I have always wanted to do but could not. Giving up on something untangled was one such thing. I have always wondered why all of us cannot have everything…everything at once! Why do we have to give up on something in order to achieve something else? Why do I have to give up on milk chocolate just because I want to have a darker one? Is it unfair for me to have both the chocolates at once? Not that I am snatching the milk one from someone else…but…if both the milk and dark chocolates are available on the shelf why can’t I have both? Just because they pose a threat to my teeth and gums?

The world follows some rules (unfortunately) the golden rule being ‘You cannot have everything you want’. “Kuch paane ke liye kuch khona bhi padta hai” is the rule. But kuch paane ke liye kuch khona kyun padta hai? So that we can make space for the new thing/person? Something similar is said in the book ‘The Secret’ too. I, somehow, have started to disagree to it now. The khona-paana part ceases to make sense to me. How I wish everyone could have everything! At Halloween you can have a broom and a nice hat and be a witch or grow wings and be a fairy. Why cannot I grow wings and still wear the witch’s hat and become a FITCH?

I am still searching for answers to my questions – Why cannot I have everything at once? Why do we have a ‘risk’ factor for everything in life? Who decides on who deserves what? Does God/karma maintain a spreadsheet for everyone that says ‘Can have’, ‘Cannot have’ with expiry dates for everything? I personally hate databases but if God or Karma maintain such records then the database would be loads bigger than ‘Big Data’.

I found this quote on the website http://lifesbestadvice.com/2012/04/01/you-cant-have-everything-you-want-but-you-can-have-everything-that-matters-to-you/ … Maybe it is kinda true -

“You can’t have everything you want, but you can have everything that matters to you”

Maybe God has his own way of directing you to whatever is good for you and whatever matters to you. Maybe not. God obviously does not run the biggest telecommunications company in the universe and hence will never be able to talk you into something. Karma is busy too and cannot stop you from committing a sin every time you attempt it. Hence Karma finds some way to punish you for every mistake the severity of which depends on the severity of the mistake.

I want everything in life including the things I know shall harm me. But how wise is it to lose everything you own to have something you can never own? Why do we walk the wrong paths when we know it ends in a valley? Maybe for the sense of having everything for a short time?

P.S: I miss everything. Badly.

Current Mood: Disappointed.

Current thought: Everything at once.

Sleepless in Seattle – Part 6 - Go BIG or Go home

The day had begun even before the day began. We were all suited up! The shady experiences did not occur unexpectedly. It was cold. The suit did not protect me but I did not mind that. I was too nervous to mind. We reached and the grilling began.

I had the unexpected opportunity to sell myself that day (yet to know whether I was successful) to one of the largest firms on earth. The interviewer pushed me to jump off from the 19^th floor. I tried my best to be glued to my seat. After being barbecued in all the rounds we found ourselves in… well… Jeopardy. We, desis, had never heard of it. Apparently, we were supposed to choose a category and answer questions for points.  We went first. The extremely peppy, vivacious, Edward Cullen-looking guy besides me said “A day in life – 1000 points. Go BIG or Go Home!” I could simply focus on ‘Go BIG or Go Home’.

Something about the quote was attractive. Actually, everything was attractive. Just the one statement he made motivated everyone and none would play for less than a thousand points. I figured out everyone sort of agreed to his statement. That is what we are here for, right? For going BIG. Real BIG.

Coming from India I have realized it takes immense guts to even dream big. Support isn’t everywhere. You need to be extremely lucky to dream and to receive the support to fulfil your dreams. Once you reach the pathway nothing can stop you. They are right when they say – “If it hasn’t left your mind for quite some time it is worth a shot.” But it takes guts to even to dream about the thought lingering in your mind since long.

The thought of going BIG made me think. Is it important in life to go big? Maybe it is. Life is all about taking risks, isn’t it? That new girlfriend, new project, new lover, new picture, new workplace, new cuisine, new dress! If we look at life everything seems to be a risk. Will life be fun if we wear the same clothes every day? If we never try to cook a new dish? Every dress is risky. Every dish can be a mess. That’s what makes life fruitful. If we take risks we better make sure it is worth it. It is important to go all the way…in whatever you do. ‘Well begun is half done’ but who wants to be a ‘well begun’. If you take a risk go all the way. Go Big. What’s the use of taking a risk otherwise?

I don’t know if the demi Edward Cullen really meant what he said or he even knew that his simple quote (that he might have used to sell himself) had motivated the entire room. Looks like Motivation happens unknowingly.

Current mood: Lovely.

Current thought: Go BIG or Go Home.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 5 - Life is Timeless

It’s been a long week… and the irony is I am just done with Tuesday. I feel super exhausted and the mid-term has not even arrived yet. My bed is messy and so is my calendar. I have no clue what to give priority to – love, money, readings, assignments, coursework, job or … life. Life’s been so busy that I haven’t had time to… well… take care of my ‘pratarvidhi’ well.

Just yesterday when I was running in between course and money I learnt about something happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t even have time to *be happy* about it. Weird but true. I suddenly realized… we do miss out on a lot of things just because we don’t *have* time. Those small things, those moments, moments of lust, moments of pure love, moments of laughter, moments of…you know… But such is time, right? You never know what you’ve lost until you realize that you really wanted it. There is going to be a time when you come face to face with whatever you have lost because you had no time – a really sweet girlfriend, an opportunity that didn’t seem like one earlier, a relationship, an offer…just everything. In such time of opportunities can one really have everything?

I remember reading this quote somewhere –

“Time is like a handful of sand- the tighter you grasp it, the faster it runs through your fingers”

 Never knew what it meant until now. I’ve been trying to catch up with everything but have failed literally. It’s really not possible to be everywhere I guess and multi-tasking cannot mean being omnipresent. An attempt to be omnipresent is just an attempt to grasp the sand…tighter. I think it is just time to sit back and not to believe in the song ‘Everything at Once’. The best thing we can do is to hold time, brace ourselves and go with the flow; enjoy whatever comes our way. Sometimes the best plan is to go with the flow.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 4 - Is it that easy to let go?

It was the most important day of my life in Seattle. I had Big 4 applications to be made and as expected my resume and cover letter were still in the making. To add to it the ghost of my illness had attacked me the night before. I was screwed up by all 3 directions and she made sure that I was attacked from the fourth too.

I woke by being bombarded by her messages. She had all the right to be angry at me but I had no right to retaliate. She had the freedom of speech but I didn’t. She could say whatever she wanted at any point of the day and I couldn’t. And all this for the last 13 years. I’d decided to ignore her but she continued Viber’ing me. I decided to take matters to the higher court – our group.

With a lecture in my kitty and 4 applications to be ‘successfully’ made I did not want to be screwed that day. But there comes a time in my life every year when I am in deep s#!t and she pushes me into a deeper one. That moment of the year had arrived for me. I declared in our whatsapp group that I wasn’t going to talk to her or reply to her messages. And one of us typed the golden words –

“I was wondering if it is that easy to let go off people! Will you guys leave me too if I start throwing tantrums?”

I suddenly felt guilty about it and felt I shouldn’t take such rude steps. I wasn’t sure if I was letting go off my friendship with her but I realized that was how everyone was going to look at it. It was weird for me since I never let go off people in life. I have held on to her, our friendship for a fairly long time but time and again I have regretted my decision of holding on to her. Some people are purely high maintenance and I have realized I don’t have time for that. I am either too full of myself or have lost all my patience to maintain relationships…especially from across the globe. I’ve realized that some people are just not good for you or for your peace of mind. What do you do then? If it is a family member…well…you cannot really do anything about it. But if it is someone you can stay away from I think you should. Not all relationships can be maintained and not relationships are supposed to be.

I know not many shall agree to this but I refuse to feel frustrated and irritated once/twice every year. I refuse to fracture my thumb replying to long messages. I refuse to be vulnerable to a *friend* who hurts me all the time. I refuse to feel cold around someone. Not all relationships are easy-going but if they aren’t they aren’t meant to be. I have struggled with one for 13 years but not anymore. I just lack the patience for that.

I think it is easy to let go off people especially now when you have no time to keep the relationships going. Sometimes you can maintain 3 relationships instead of maintaining a high-maintenance one. It is not recommended but that is all you can do to spare yourself from being attacked again.

P.S: I still love her and wish her the best.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 3 - Expectations strike again!

Love/Like/Friendship à Expectations à Frustration and Pain à Mind f***d.

Life feels so scary and apprehensive at times. I feel bound to a set of ‘Things to do’ these days. I have realized that a diary can help me out greatly. But I cannot write my emotional to-do in a calendar, can I?

I’ve thought time and again about the part of my life which has been sabotaged by expectations. I have a really unfortunate habit of expecting great deals out of people, especially the ones I like. Naturally, it is not wrong to expect a little out of people. But there is a very thin line between the two – little expectations and going overboard. And then the definition of ‘thin’ differs from people to people. ‘Fat is the new thin’ for me but for some ‘thin ceases to exist’.

Priorities kill Expectations. I failed to understand the relation earlier. Now I do. ‘Priority’ is the new excuse in town. ‘I did not do this because I had a different priority’ suddenly made super sense to me when I heard the usage a couple of times over a couple of days. I wonder if ‘friends/relatives/spouse/crushes’ fit in ‘priority’ or is it strictly ‘personal’? I guess priorities are influenced by personal choices. Suddenly a thing that would have been the last thing you would do on earth becomes a priority to avoid an expectation. Can happen! Happened to me!

Anyway, expectation is a curse for sure…the curse that has made me the Queen of Mood Swings. I’ve finally decided not to expect anything or at least to lessen expectations from life. I should realize life is not here to serve me whatever I want in a platter. That is one thing life never does. I have learnt this the hard way…still learning…

Mood: Disappointed and Sad.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 2 - Back Back Back!

It was a perfectly beautiful day and I was having a not so perfect time… career counseling myself. I was trying not to look into my phone for any Whatsapps that could help kill a few minutes from the most important seminar of my life. My phone vibrated unnaturally and so I looked into it. It was already unlocked and the messenger was open. Never knew what my palms could do without thinking. It was him…

I was pretty amused that my deeply hidden messenger opened automatically and the window was his...all this in the most important hour of my day. The messages suddenly felt good. I realized I was sort of yearning to talk to him for a while.

We ended up on a bad note for me and a good one for him. It was neither a relationship nor friendship. I realized I looked up to him. I was naïve and was looking for someone to show me the right path…and he did. You don’t need to be in a relationship to learn things from someone…in fact you don’t even need to be friends with someone. People who are meant to come into your life just walk in and out of your life at the right time. He was one of those.

There is always one guy in everyone’s life who they want to go back to…not literally…not even virtually...neither temporarily nor permanently…just for some time. This guy is always there when you need help, advice, support and anything else that you need. That is not his full time job but maybe he doesn't mind it. He is sort of….your career counselor…who takes care of your emotions, problems and everything else when you are in deep shit. Maybe a Life Mentor! He is the answer to all the questions and solution to all doubts. You don’t need to talk to him all the time…just at the time of need is enough. This low maintenance relationship (I don’t know what to call it) sustains on absolute no-talks. A simple ‘Hi’ from someone is re-assuring and sometimes even a long talk with someone feels fake. There is a certain comfort and re-assurance in a ‘Hi. I am busy.’ It’s funny how some people touch your life so much and so beautifully in a very little time.

I don’t know what such relationships are called. It’s definitely not love. Whatever, it is… feels good.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 1 - Of faith and hope...

 

So I arrive in this beautiful city…flying from over Dubai, Baghdad, Greenland and what not…half-drunk (partly to recover the flight ticket and partly following orders). The immigration, customs, wifi was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The jet-lag asked too much of me. And so did my phone connection. I started my house-hunt right from the 1^st day of the week. Struggled all the way along. Walked like never before…saw unusual things…tried hard to do away my thoughts of going back.

There comes a day in everyone’s life when he/she wants to go back to the pavilion. That day came into my life right in the 1^st week of my Seattle Life. I had no house, no job, no money… nothing at all. I cribbed about it to a friend…and he helped just his few words. It’s like someone is always there to watch your back. We just need to have faith. And when you lose faith God makes sure that faith is reaffirmed. We all need something to keep us going. One quote, one man, one friend, one thought, one situation… just one thing. And then the dwindling thoughts are just a passé.

Fortunately, the thought of going back has never entered ever since.*touchwood* But I suddenly have full faith in faith. Faith…hope...belief…whatever you call it… that is what keeps the life going. J

Life’s good.

You can find the reasons for my re-affirmed faith below. J