Sleepless in Seattle - Part 9 - Of the female Ego

So recently a friend of mine got married. He was engaged for 6 months. Just a week after his wedding his wife changed her name on facebook and it included my friend’s name as her middle name. Yes, it is very common in the society and is something that is ‘supposed’ to be done. But my ego ceased to agree. The ‘strong, independent, non-girly, career-oriented, non-marry able’ ego in me decided that belongingness is ‘rosy’ only to an extent. The line should not be crossed. You cannot give up everything you were all at once at the drop of a garland. You cannot cease to exist just because someone gifted you a diamond mangalsutra. You cannot leave your friend circle just because you have to be a part of his. You cannot leave your soft toy behind because you are supposed to hug him now instead. You cannot sleep on his bed just because his bed is full sized and now has a beautiful linen.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

-        Marilyn Monroe

At some level it may become unacceptable for every girl to be a ‘woman’ and then a ‘wife’. There is a huge difference. Being a ‘woman’ you always have to walk the path of fire. You cannot even jump to the sides to save yourself from the burns because there is a valley on one side and a steep, unscalable mountain on the other. We are expected to ‘sacrifice’ our name, identity, job, career, life, friends, family, eating habits, drinking habits, smoking habits and ‘I’ at every walk of life. But every woman has to sacrifice. The women of earlier generations could do and sacrifice much more but this generation may not follow the steps. I wonder what has changed us! Maybe past experiences, education, career, government or God have made us stronger.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

-        Marilyn Monroe

I look around to see older girls seeking a master’s degree for better prospects. None will spend half a crore on her education for a better husband. Girls around the world are making/have made themselves capable of conquering the whole world. The mindset and horizon has broadened. The ‘financial dependency’ aspect has reduced greatly so has the ‘emotional dependency’ aspect. The feeling of ‘I’ has grown and the term ‘female ego’ has been invented. So earlier the world revolved around ‘the man’ of the house. The circle has just grown bigger and includes ‘the woman’ of the house too. But seldom is the ‘female ego’ trying to compete with the ‘male ego’. From what I see the women are trying to establish themselves independently so that they can exist with/without men.

Not that I am being a feminist here. But the order of the world is changing and only for the good.

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”

-        Marilyn Monroe

How casual can you get?

Every day a new kind of relationship is invented. From marriage to relationship to affair to now casual relationship we can see relationships getting weaker. Marriage, a supposedly strong bond, comes with a warranty period too these days. I have taken special interest in ‘casual relationships’ though.

To correctly define the term ‘casual relationship’ google helped me. A casual relationship is a pure sexual relationship in which both the partners are in it only to satisfy their physical needs. It is much more than a one-night stand (it is in fact a series of it) and much lesser than a full-blown relationship. The partners have an amicable agreement of their own terms and conditions. They usually know each other and are friends/acquaintances before they enter such an arrangement. The relationship works perfectly well…err…till one of the partner falls in love.

The casual relationship comes with a lot of complications despite the amicable agreement!! Generally, the partners tend to spend a lot of time and share things together. As a result they become used to having each other around at times of trouble and advice. Generally, one partner is more dependent on the other for his/her needs. In such a scenario the lesser dependent partner has an upper hand in the relationship and the relationship is at his/her disposal. Also, the more submissive partner might go to any lengths to make the relationship work because he/she needs it more (or so he/she thinks!).

They say there is no room for jealousy and belongingness in a casual relationship. I find that very odd though. I do not know how belongingness can be kept away from a sexual relationship. It would be hurtful if a casual relationship partner gives more preference to someone else of the opposite gender (maybe applicable only to women). Jealousy and possessiveness are too difficult to separate; though that can happen with time.

Once the casual relationship reaches a dead end (always in a matter of months) it can be difficult for the partners to hang around each other since it might get awkward. Since in maximum cases they already know each other it can be a little hard. Also, the partners usually have to recover from the relationship all by themselves since very few people apart from them know about this relationship. People do not wish to divulge about such relationships to other friends because of a variety of embarrassment, worry about others being judgmental etc. Also, both the partners are worried about falling in love! There is a thin line between ‘no strings attached’ and ‘strings attached’. And the thin line fades off pretty soon.

They say it all goes bad in the woman’s head. Well, it does. A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin. Women produce more of this hormone which makes them more vulnerable to fall in love with the guy they had sex with. Unfortunately, the release of oxytocin is not dependent on whether the guy is right or wrong. Whether you are cuddling with the love of your life or with your casual relationship partner the hormone makes you put down your guards. This is also a reason why you feel bad even when a short term relationship ends.

 I never thought of this ‘chemical lochya’ until recently. Life is too short to think and judge and decide what is right or wrong. It is better to regret about something you did and failed at rather than regretting about something you wanted to do but did not. Such kind of a relationship is rampant and I would be shocked if anyone has not come across one yet. Attractions happen all the time. You meet new people and like them. But it is not possible for us to fall in love with everyone so someone found a mid-way. We never know whether a relationship is right or wrong. But the thing that we know for sure is that relationships are losing their strength. The levels of a relationship are stepping down and I want to know how casual can it get?

Current mood: Sleepy

Current song: Zubeidaa title track

Current mood: Kya aap close-up kartey hai? 

Sleepless in Seattle – Part 8 - Three and a half

It was a tiresome Tuesday. I was at the airport…err… working. After a hesitant start I thought I could nail my current job. It was not as bad as I thought it would be but it was worse. I knew I the hiccups would not just be in the initial phase but throughout till the end. That’s how my life has been. Never mind.

So my boss, who was also struggling with his work, asked me on my way back, “How long have you been here?” to which I replied, “A little over 3 months.” Wow! I have survived quite a bit here I thought. I quickly tried to summarize the last 3 months of my life as follows -

1.     Roti – Tough times with food. Busy schedule did not allow us to eat properly. Haven’t really been eating properly. I can count upto 5 days when I have survived over water because of busy schedule. Poor me.

2.     Kapda – Tough times here too. I could not get clothes for myself when I went out to shop. Very few for XS. Apart from jackets I haven’t bought anything yet…but still. Would love to shop with a local. I love their dressing sense!

3.     Makaan – Who said things don’t break down in USA? Things break down and people don’t work in case of holidays. How I wish it was as easy as calling the plumber uncle as it was back in India! We survived the thanksgiving holidays without a bath-tub and without having bath. Thank God our excessively sweet landlord paid for our spa sessions.

4.     Paisa – My sexy and saucy boss forgot to turn in my time-sheets. So, I have not been getting paid on time. Whatever little money I am entitled to is still in the bank. Also, wonder why I have been paying so much of taxes! I could not set up direct deposit and bosses have no clue how to do it either. My imaginary ring helps me eat!

5.     Health – Pathetic. I am glad I am alive and sane to write this post.

6.     Padhai - I do not remember when the quarter started and how it ended. Everything in between these two days was very frustrating and hazy. I hardly remember anything. One of the very few things that I remember are readings, crying for grades, swearing at people for cutting unnecessary marks, banging my head over citations, project work and trying hard to showcase my work. Hope everything went well.

7.     Friends – I need to work on this one badly. Got back with my estranged best friend though. Realized how much I had missed him over the time. Happy to have a Doctor best friend too. Life is easier when your ring is also a friendship band. Yaeiboo, Waram and Friends Forever continue to rock. Life would have been nothing without them.

Current mood: Drowsy

Current thought: Mi kashi tujhya savey chukle vaat rey?

Current song: Ghan Rani

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 7 - Why not everything at once?

“Kya karna kya hai tujhko life mei? You cannot get everything at once yar!” he said. And he said so to direct my crazy confused soul in a single direction for the upcoming quarter. My mind was indecisive. It still is. Life suddenly seems very restrictive. The sea of opportunities that I was dying to explore has just turned out to be a lake. We can traverse only a particular square. Sometimes, you just cannot cross the borders simply because there is too much at stake.

When I realized I cannot take all the courses I like I remembered all the things (recent times strictly) that I have always wanted to do but could not. Giving up on something untangled was one such thing. I have always wondered why all of us cannot have everything…everything at once! Why do we have to give up on something in order to achieve something else? Why do I have to give up on milk chocolate just because I want to have a darker one? Is it unfair for me to have both the chocolates at once? Not that I am snatching the milk one from someone else…but…if both the milk and dark chocolates are available on the shelf why can’t I have both? Just because they pose a threat to my teeth and gums?

The world follows some rules (unfortunately) the golden rule being ‘You cannot have everything you want’. “Kuch paane ke liye kuch khona bhi padta hai” is the rule. But kuch paane ke liye kuch khona kyun padta hai? So that we can make space for the new thing/person? Something similar is said in the book ‘The Secret’ too. I, somehow, have started to disagree to it now. The khona-paana part ceases to make sense to me. How I wish everyone could have everything! At Halloween you can have a broom and a nice hat and be a witch or grow wings and be a fairy. Why cannot I grow wings and still wear the witch’s hat and become a FITCH?

I am still searching for answers to my questions – Why cannot I have everything at once? Why do we have a ‘risk’ factor for everything in life? Who decides on who deserves what? Does God/karma maintain a spreadsheet for everyone that says ‘Can have’, ‘Cannot have’ with expiry dates for everything? I personally hate databases but if God or Karma maintain such records then the database would be loads bigger than ‘Big Data’.

I found this quote on the website http://lifesbestadvice.com/2012/04/01/you-cant-have-everything-you-want-but-you-can-have-everything-that-matters-to-you/ … Maybe it is kinda true -

“You can’t have everything you want, but you can have everything that matters to you”

Maybe God has his own way of directing you to whatever is good for you and whatever matters to you. Maybe not. God obviously does not run the biggest telecommunications company in the universe and hence will never be able to talk you into something. Karma is busy too and cannot stop you from committing a sin every time you attempt it. Hence Karma finds some way to punish you for every mistake the severity of which depends on the severity of the mistake.

I want everything in life including the things I know shall harm me. But how wise is it to lose everything you own to have something you can never own? Why do we walk the wrong paths when we know it ends in a valley? Maybe for the sense of having everything for a short time?

P.S: I miss everything. Badly.

Current Mood: Disappointed.

Current thought: Everything at once.

Sleepless in Seattle – Part 6 - Go BIG or Go home

The day had begun even before the day began. We were all suited up! The shady experiences did not occur unexpectedly. It was cold. The suit did not protect me but I did not mind that. I was too nervous to mind. We reached and the grilling began.

I had the unexpected opportunity to sell myself that day (yet to know whether I was successful) to one of the largest firms on earth. The interviewer pushed me to jump off from the 19^th floor. I tried my best to be glued to my seat. After being barbecued in all the rounds we found ourselves in… well… Jeopardy. We, desis, had never heard of it. Apparently, we were supposed to choose a category and answer questions for points.  We went first. The extremely peppy, vivacious, Edward Cullen-looking guy besides me said “A day in life – 1000 points. Go BIG or Go Home!” I could simply focus on ‘Go BIG or Go Home’.

Something about the quote was attractive. Actually, everything was attractive. Just the one statement he made motivated everyone and none would play for less than a thousand points. I figured out everyone sort of agreed to his statement. That is what we are here for, right? For going BIG. Real BIG.

Coming from India I have realized it takes immense guts to even dream big. Support isn’t everywhere. You need to be extremely lucky to dream and to receive the support to fulfil your dreams. Once you reach the pathway nothing can stop you. They are right when they say – “If it hasn’t left your mind for quite some time it is worth a shot.” But it takes guts to even to dream about the thought lingering in your mind since long.

The thought of going BIG made me think. Is it important in life to go big? Maybe it is. Life is all about taking risks, isn’t it? That new girlfriend, new project, new lover, new picture, new workplace, new cuisine, new dress! If we look at life everything seems to be a risk. Will life be fun if we wear the same clothes every day? If we never try to cook a new dish? Every dress is risky. Every dish can be a mess. That’s what makes life fruitful. If we take risks we better make sure it is worth it. It is important to go all the way…in whatever you do. ‘Well begun is half done’ but who wants to be a ‘well begun’. If you take a risk go all the way. Go Big. What’s the use of taking a risk otherwise?

I don’t know if the demi Edward Cullen really meant what he said or he even knew that his simple quote (that he might have used to sell himself) had motivated the entire room. Looks like Motivation happens unknowingly.

Current mood: Lovely.

Current thought: Go BIG or Go Home.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 5 - Life is Timeless

It’s been a long week… and the irony is I am just done with Tuesday. I feel super exhausted and the mid-term has not even arrived yet. My bed is messy and so is my calendar. I have no clue what to give priority to – love, money, readings, assignments, coursework, job or … life. Life’s been so busy that I haven’t had time to… well… take care of my ‘pratarvidhi’ well.

Just yesterday when I was running in between course and money I learnt about something happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t even have time to *be happy* about it. Weird but true. I suddenly realized… we do miss out on a lot of things just because we don’t *have* time. Those small things, those moments, moments of lust, moments of pure love, moments of laughter, moments of…you know… But such is time, right? You never know what you’ve lost until you realize that you really wanted it. There is going to be a time when you come face to face with whatever you have lost because you had no time – a really sweet girlfriend, an opportunity that didn’t seem like one earlier, a relationship, an offer…just everything. In such time of opportunities can one really have everything?

I remember reading this quote somewhere –

“Time is like a handful of sand- the tighter you grasp it, the faster it runs through your fingers”

 Never knew what it meant until now. I’ve been trying to catch up with everything but have failed literally. It’s really not possible to be everywhere I guess and multi-tasking cannot mean being omnipresent. An attempt to be omnipresent is just an attempt to grasp the sand…tighter. I think it is just time to sit back and not to believe in the song ‘Everything at Once’. The best thing we can do is to hold time, brace ourselves and go with the flow; enjoy whatever comes our way. Sometimes the best plan is to go with the flow.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 4 - Is it that easy to let go?

It was the most important day of my life in Seattle. I had Big 4 applications to be made and as expected my resume and cover letter were still in the making. To add to it the ghost of my illness had attacked me the night before. I was screwed up by all 3 directions and she made sure that I was attacked from the fourth too.

I woke by being bombarded by her messages. She had all the right to be angry at me but I had no right to retaliate. She had the freedom of speech but I didn’t. She could say whatever she wanted at any point of the day and I couldn’t. And all this for the last 13 years. I’d decided to ignore her but she continued Viber’ing me. I decided to take matters to the higher court – our group.

With a lecture in my kitty and 4 applications to be ‘successfully’ made I did not want to be screwed that day. But there comes a time in my life every year when I am in deep s#!t and she pushes me into a deeper one. That moment of the year had arrived for me. I declared in our whatsapp group that I wasn’t going to talk to her or reply to her messages. And one of us typed the golden words –

“I was wondering if it is that easy to let go off people! Will you guys leave me too if I start throwing tantrums?”

I suddenly felt guilty about it and felt I shouldn’t take such rude steps. I wasn’t sure if I was letting go off my friendship with her but I realized that was how everyone was going to look at it. It was weird for me since I never let go off people in life. I have held on to her, our friendship for a fairly long time but time and again I have regretted my decision of holding on to her. Some people are purely high maintenance and I have realized I don’t have time for that. I am either too full of myself or have lost all my patience to maintain relationships…especially from across the globe. I’ve realized that some people are just not good for you or for your peace of mind. What do you do then? If it is a family member…well…you cannot really do anything about it. But if it is someone you can stay away from I think you should. Not all relationships can be maintained and not relationships are supposed to be.

I know not many shall agree to this but I refuse to feel frustrated and irritated once/twice every year. I refuse to fracture my thumb replying to long messages. I refuse to be vulnerable to a *friend* who hurts me all the time. I refuse to feel cold around someone. Not all relationships are easy-going but if they aren’t they aren’t meant to be. I have struggled with one for 13 years but not anymore. I just lack the patience for that.

I think it is easy to let go off people especially now when you have no time to keep the relationships going. Sometimes you can maintain 3 relationships instead of maintaining a high-maintenance one. It is not recommended but that is all you can do to spare yourself from being attacked again.

P.S: I still love her and wish her the best.