Sometimes I wish I could....

                      

Sometimes I feel so blessed to have had you around in the past…

Sometimes I feel so loved when I think about the moments we have spent..

Sometimes I yearn for you.. for your presence.. for your touch..for your memories.

Yet sometimes I feel good about us not talking..

about us not being 'US' anymore..

I know we would have made a lovely couple.. I would have kept you happy..

But I would not have let YOU be YOU..

I am so sorry to have made your life so difficult…and the future would have been darker.

I wish I could change.. but that is my love, my dear love.

And my love would have never set you free..

I wish you could understand!

I wish you could forgive me!

I wish you could give me another chance!

I wish we were together!

I wish I could love you more!

Where is the love?!

She opened her eyes. Her journey was far from over. She had fallen asleep amidst the travel sickness and tears. She checked her phone. No message from him. She knew this was a big decision that she had taken. She had promised herself that this would be her last attempt to save the relationship. Family was an obstacle. But he was more important to her than anything else. She had made a decision of visiting him despite the issues. She wanted him in her life.

She reached the bus stand. He had not come to pick her up. She reached the hotel. She wore his favorite dress and his favorite perfume. She dressed up just the way he liked her. 'One last time' she thought. She left to meet him. He knew she would be in the city but he had not made any attempts to get in touch with her.

She called him. He answered. They decided to meet for coffee at a nearby CCD. She spotted him on her way to the coffee shop. She called him. They met. No hugs, no kisses..just a plain 'Hello' with a broken smile. They walked together. The beauty of every moment they spent together had disappeared. She had asked the coffee shop manager to reserve their favorite coffee table for them and had pre-ordered their favorites. Their eyes met for the first time after months. She had the same sparkle in her eyes. Sadly, he seemed distant. They spoke about him - cricket, friends, photos and life. He did not enquire about her. She felt the distance. He was about to leave but she wanted to extend the date. She asked him for a movie. He obliged.

They went to the movie hall. She met her friends. She had come to meet only him and so she had told none. She wanted to flaunt him. He used to be her trophy but today she found him a couple of yards away looking into his phone. He seemed lost. She got the hint. They saw a foreign movie. She did not understand the language. He took all the pains to translate every line to her. She felt the closeness. She held his hand. He did not reciprocate. She was shattered. Her heart was broken into a million pieces. Yet, she was sitting next to him and hence she wanted to savour the moment. She wanted the movie to go forever.

He asked her out for dinner after the movie. They went to their favorite restaurant. She loved the ambiance there. He loved the food. They placed the same order as they always did - Roti, bhindi ki sabzi and Raita. They ate from the same plate. She wished what people said came true - 'Jhootha khaane se pyaar badhta hai.' Nothing seemed to help her pyaar here. It was only deteriorating day by day.

He volunteered to drop her to the hotel after dinner. It was a long ride. It was late at night and the roads were empty. The moon was in it's full glory. The road was lit by the moon-light alone. There was a chill in the air. She sat close to him. She hugged him from behind - like old times. She knew this was heaven - him, her and the moonlight. She wanted life to stop there. Not for once did she think about the complications, the ambitions, the fights...just nothing. It was just him and her and that beautiful moment. She held him tight. She felt this would be their last ride together.

They reached the hotel. Everything had gone well but she knew this was not enough to get him back. She stood quiet and waited for him to speak. He asked, "Why did you come here? We were not talking for a reason." She said, "I know. But i did not want to lose you" and tears rolled on her cheeks. They had fallen in love but they had no future. 2 states does not always succeed. He had decided to stop talking to her - for her good. She listened to him. She never argued with him. His decisions were always obeyed.
He said,"You know it is not going to work out. You should have thought about this before traveling so far." She said, "I love you". He said nothing. Her heart broke. All he said was, "This is the last time we have met." He did this for her. He did this because he knew she would suffer the most if this relationship continued. But he had no alternative than breaking up with her. She cried. He knew he had lost a big chunk of his heart that day. He knew she would make his life more beautiful. But he had no choice. His family came first and he could not betray their trust. They hugged one last time. He left.

She woke up with a heavy head once again. She had slept off crying as usual. She received a call from the travel agency. Her bus back home was right on time and shall pick her up in an hour. She packed her bags and left...never to come back again.

Ganpati Bappa Morya!

I woke up in the morning repenting my decision of not making it home for Ganesh Chaturthi this year (like last year). I was more sad because of being away from my cousins this year too. Every year we would all gather together and celebrate Ganpati. It is, kinda, a very big festival for us since we are maharashtrians. I was missing all my cousins since quite some time. The feeling of 'missing' them was intense because of the Ganpati.

Every year all 5 of us (cousins) would decorate the living room (my cousins would do the most part) with flowers, ribbons etc. Decoration would be unique every year (creative minds you see). During lunches we would pass on our jalebis to each other (cuz none of us liked Jalebis) and not to forget moti-choor ke laddoo. The first Aarti would be the biggest one. At least one of us would be in the bathroom when the Aarti would begin (struggling to get ready). Aarti would happen twice every day along with AtharvaShirsha. A sense of peace would seep in. It felt purified all of a sudden. A sense of support would be felt. I have always loved that feeling.

But today morning was different. I woke up all alone with a phone call. My colleagues were expecting my help for making rangoli (they actually think i can do that). So i woke up and got ready at Blitz Krieg speed and rushed to office. I started coloring the petals with different varieties of violet. I was just cribbing about the mismatch of colors when the phone rang.

It was my brother. He said, "We are in a conference. I am joining your call." I was delighted to hear all the voices when the call was joined. All of us stay continents away from each other and so the time difference has never allowed us to make a conference call all this time. I was the happiest. It was all 5 of us on the call. Actually 6. My cousin's fiance joined in too! We chatted along for an hour (while i was still coloring the petals violet). My day was made. I wonder how God knew what I wanted!

Life is always like that. Life loves to surprise you but for that...you should give life a chance to surprise you. You generally get what you want (ofcourse if God wants to give you that). Today, I realized how one phone call can change your life; can make your life beautiful; can make you happy.

This is the best gift I could ask Ganpati Bappa for! (ofcourse I have a lot to ask Ganpati Bappa for.. but.... for now.. venda!)
Ganpati Bappa Morya!
- feeling Blessed.

A letter to Akhila...

Dear Akhila,

Hope this letter finds you happy and beautiful as you are. I know this letter has taken you by surprise. I was very estatic to meet you. Unfortunately, that is not possible now. I take this letter as an opportunity to share my life with you.

I know you must have always wondered about my existence. I am Sorry to have abandoned you the way I did. I should not have. But i was naive and I was just 18 years old when I conceived you. That moment of passion was a mistake and it should not have happened. But 'love is blind' they say. You are the very first love of my life. That was my first year away from home and I just wanted to break free. I know I committed a big mistake. I am Sorry I could not be your mother. I am Sorry I could not give you the life that i wished to give you.

I heard about your grades from your foster parents. I am such a proud mother today. I am sure your parents must be used to such proud moments by now. I saw a lot of trophies lined up at your deck when I visited you some time ago. You were visiting your grandparents then. Your father was beaming with pride when he told me about your achievements in the field of sports. You have got that from your birth father, dear Akhila. He was a national-level athlete too. We loved each other a lot and we loved you even more. But we were a very young couple and incapable of handling ourselves. Hence, we decided to put you up for adoption. We could not have taken care of you the way your foster parents have. They have provided you with all the luxuries and raised you to become a wonderful lady.

A word of caution for you, Akhila. Do not be afraid to fall in love but be practical. Do not lose control. Don't be afraid to make mistakes but may every mistake be sensible. Make new mistakes every day. Learn from each one of them. Make sure none suffers because of your mistakes, not even you. Take risks but not with a life. Akhila, do not make the mistake I made. I do not say you were a mistake...but giving you up for a better future was one.

I want to see you getting married, my dear daughter. I want to see you in the red lehenga that I send you with this letter. Hope you get married to the right guy. Take your time to fall in love but always fall in love with the right person. Have kids, raise them and see them grow. Let them be who they want to be. Set life free and it will take beautiful turns.

Always remember one thing - none has the right to treat you the wrong way. None has the right to touch you inappropriately - not even your father. Always know your rights and duties, Akhila. I know your parents have raised you well. You are a very beautiful lady. I want you to be strong too. Be strong enough to raise a voice against injustice. Be strong enough to support yourself and your family when required.  Always stand for your family. Family is one thing you must cherish forever. Stand tall in every adversity because nothing in life is permanent.

I want to tell you something about myself too. You have all the right to know your birth Mother. Your parents told me that you knew you were adopted, though they never wanted to reveal it to you. You never asked about me. After you were born we gave you up for adoption. Your foster parents volunteered. Me and your birth father were very choosy about the couple whom we would give you up to. Your foster parents fitted in all the criteria perfectly. Me and your birth father were madly in love with each other. Unfortunately, he passed away in an accident and I was left with tears and memories of you and him. I graduated, got a job, got married and conceived 2 beautiful children. Despite all this I have never spent a day without thinking about you. I never wanted you be aware of my existence, simply because i thought you would despise me. There was no reason for me to enter your life after all this time.

I am extremely grateful to your parents for letting me pen down this letter to you. This might be my last letter ever. Not because I do not wish to write letters to you anymore but because I cannot.  I might be no more by the time this letter reaches you. My cancer has reached the last stage and getting in touch with you was my last wish. I want to tell you that I have missed you all my life; that I am extremely Sorry to have left you the way I did; that I love you a lot. I hope you forgive me for this.

P.S: Your parents are wonderful. I love you a lot.

P.S Parents: Thank you for letting me write. And Thank you for raising Your daughter so wonderfully.

Lots of love and blessings,
Yours lovingly,
Mom. :)

My Sibling... My Life...

So you are this sweet little kid and a Princess for your parents. You are their love, their soul and everything else. Their world revolves around you. Your wish is their command. Every word you speak is iterated and re-iterated (the first word you ever spoke, the first time you said ‘ma’ and ‘baba’ etc). Your parents adjust their sleeping schedules according to yours (and you never have a sleeping schedule). Toys, teddy bear, clothes etc. everything belongs to you. Parents are ‘yours and only yours’. You rule the world.
All of a sudden your world turns upside down. Your parents bring home a sweet little kid. You think of him as a guest at first but he refuses to go. Slowly, the kid wears your clothes, plays with your toys and your parents adjust their sleeping schedules according to his. His presence is celebrated. You feel a little neglected and your life changes.

Eventually you start liking this kid. People around you say he is your ‘brother’. Something called as ‘belongingness’ seeps in. You enjoy his company. You play together. He irritates you at times but you learn to adjust. You fight for every little thing on this earth. You oppose things just because he supports them. After a certain period of time the sibling rivalry ceases to exist.  Life starts rolling amidst this chaos.
One day, while you are trying to keep awake in a boring lecture you see a kid crying outside the class. It’s your brother. You excuse yourself from the class and go to see him. He tells you his teacher threw him out of the class because he refused to stop talking to his bench-partner. You request the teacher to allow your younger brother to attend the lecture but she refuses. So the entire 4th grade witnesses a 7th grader almost arguing with their class teacher for the sake of her brother. The teacher finally gives in. For you, your sibling can never be wrong; at least not in front of a 100 people and their class teacher. You grow extremely protective of your sibling. The bottom line remains ‘Only I can fight with my brother. You lay a finger on him and you die.’

You reserve your chocolates for him and he does the same. You plan his birthday in a big way and so does he. You share your secrets and even your pocket money. You are his ‘other and reliable’ source of income. His happiness matters the most to you.

The bond grows stronger with time and the love is unconditional. This is one bond that can be taken for granted come what may. The bond that every sibling is proud of. A sibling is the best gift your parents can ever give you.

Turning 18

I was visiting my cousins and we all decided to watch a late night movie. My younger cousins looked unusually happy and excited during the movie. After the movie ended we went to a CCD (only a coffee could get rid of the headache that the movie gave). Their grin grew even wider. I wondered why small kids would be so elated sipping hot chocolate a little post-midnight while I was dying to finish off the over-priced coffee and go home to retire. I crashed as soon as we reached home. Just then my younger cousins said, “Let’s have a night out. It is almost morning anyway.” My reaction was definitely not a pleasant one to which they said, ”We can have a night out only with you and none else ”. So, a couple of ghost stories welcomed the sun that morning.

“I had a night-out yesterday” might definitely be a fashion statement for kids. Turn 18 and it becomes a regular thing for you. Start working and the most fashionable and pleasant statement is “I slept last night” (because work might not always allow you to have a good night’s sleep). Keeping awake till 2 am is a sense of freedom for kids. Turn 18 and that might be the usual time for you to sleep.

18 brings a sense of freedom to life; sense of ultimate and endless freedom. You get the right to vote, the right to buy a property (though we might have the money for that), to have a boy-friend/girl-friend (or the plural of the same), to move out of the house (mostly done for educational purposes only), to consume alcohol and to smoke (Hell yeah! That sounds cool) and even to get married (not for people who love their independence). 18 is the age when we get experimental in every aspect- highlights, newer haircuts, tattoos and piercings. Late-night parties, alcohol, bigger friend-circles, cigarettes, drugs, spouses, intimacy (in some cases) become every day events. Your parents trust you with the money now and they expect you to learn and handle your own finances. 18 is the age when you think of the word ‘career’ seriously for the first time. Every kid has one bhaiyya/didi that they look up to and whom they find ‘cool’. When you turn 18 you get a chance to become that bhaiyya/didi. 

              

18 is the age when you jump from a lake(junior college) to a sea(degree college). I am sure everyone out there has experienced that major shift in culture then. You are suddenly exposed to the outside world and the change is over-whelming. Life is flattery. Suddenly, some unknown people become the most important people in your life. ‘Relationships’ change every now and then while the ‘Relationship status’ changes more often. We all make a lot of mistakes but believe me you shall laugh about most of them later.

But with great power comes great responsibility. 18 is the age when you can make or break your lives. It takes a great deal of determination to keep away from all the wrong things that you come across (you are no more a ‘juvenile’ for the court). It is upto you to live your life on your own terms and follow your own rules (or not follow any). You are not only given the freedom to take your own decisions but also be responsible for the consequences. If things go wrong you are the one to be blamed (going to ‘that’ party, having that extra peg of vodka, taking semesters lightly etc.). Your security is your responsibility (especially after you drink or do drugs). Everything in moderation is beautiful and everything in extreme is harmful. 18 brings a great deal a freedom but a greater deal of responsibility. You need to realize all the responsibilities and duties in order to be that ‘cool bhaiyya/didi’ that kids can look up to and parents can feel proud of.

Turning 18 is exciting but then so is turning 21 and turning 60. A senior citizen has much more discounts, right? My sincere request to all the kids below 18 is not to dream about becoming adults and enjoy their childhood and to so-called adults above 18 is to be responsible and wise. Just remember, deciding which chocolate to eat is much better than deciding what career is better for you.

Women in IT – Of codes, builds and bugs!

“Please let’s go home now. Just log off.” I told him. The cab was waiting for us downstairs. It was well past 12 am. He did not pay heed to my frustrations and continued working. We left the cubicle only to realize that were not the only ones working late. Many were struggling with codes, builds and bugs. The next day our Team Lead was very pleased with the ‘Good Job’ that we had done. She politely asked me to follow her to her cubicle. I thought the bug that I created the other day was going to fetch me some serious music but I was wrong. All she said was, “Always remember you are a girl. Working late is okay while you are still single but all this shall be impossible for you once you have a family. Always get your priorities right”. That came as a shock to me. I had been working late since quite some time and she knew. Later I realized she was right. Working late has become a culture off late everywhere. And it is a bad one for the long run.

Life is relatively easy when you are a singleton in the IT industry. You can focus on work without any disturbances since you are just on your own. I wonder if colleagues can be best friends. There are limitations everywhere. Also, after a certain period of time all singletons experience the parental pressure to get married and get settled. Going on-site, accepting work opportunities abroad etc. for a woman is not as easy as it is for a man. On-site work opportunity makes the groom-hunt difficult as not many husbands are in favor of their wives staying abroad for a span of 2-3 years. Being single makes you vulnerable to many things. You have an increased work pressure and managers take you for granted since you have no family around and hence no responsibilities.

Diary of a Family Man: Get up. Work. Come back. Eat. Sleep.

Diary of a Family Woman: Get up. Get kids ready. Tiffins. Work. Come back. Make dinner. Take care of in-laws. Homework for kids. Household chores. Eat. Sleep. Women always have a longer list of ‘things to do’. The diary is fatter if you are married. You have to be a super woman in order to handle life this way.

I see a lot of ‘family women’ managing the situations and pressures every day. Kids, husbands, in-laws, families, teams, managers, work, calls…it is not easy to do everything all at the same time. You have to cope with a lot of pressures if you are married. Also, every minute has to be utilized effectively so that you get enough time and breaks for other personal matters. Many companies provide with day-care facilities for children of their employees. Working ladies can be rest assured that their children are taken care off in those cases. Many companies also have dormitories for pregnant ladies so that they get enough rest amidst working hours. Pregnant ladies also get a lot of privileges (they can break the queues!). But that is it. You still have to work, attend all meetings, calls and manage your teams.

Apart from this we also have one more obstacle in the rat race we commit ourselves to – harassment.  The ‘odd working hours’ culture makes you vulnerable to a lot of unwanted elements. ‘Sexually colored’ remarks, lewd comments, offensive statements or even casual flirting at work can create a hostile environment for a woman. If the culture of a company is not free enough it might be difficult for a woman to handle such situations. The new law passed by Indian parliament would not really help. Many companies have their own version of anti-harassment laws (we all know the Phaneesh Murthy case.) It is upto the woman herself to take the matters in her own hands and report such incidences. Anonymity is maintained and harassment cases are handled with utmost care. But the scars of such incidences take a long time to heal.

                 

The IT industry is, undoubtedly, glamorous. The independence, money, parties, experience and opportunities are all worth it. But it takes a lot for a woman to survive in IT than it takes for a man. The field is not gender-biased and everyone gets equal opportunities purely based on merit. No quotas, no special treatments and every individual is treated as equal. Maybe a relaxed job would have been better but I would never have been able to enjoy the life as I do now. It is the thrill that I look forward to. Life should be challenging. After spending a year in IT I think it is just perfect for me.