Sleepless in Seattle - Part 4 - Is it that easy to let go?

It was the most important day of my life in Seattle. I had Big 4 applications to be made and as expected my resume and cover letter were still in the making. To add to it the ghost of my illness had attacked me the night before. I was screwed up by all 3 directions and she made sure that I was attacked from the fourth too.

I woke by being bombarded by her messages. She had all the right to be angry at me but I had no right to retaliate. She had the freedom of speech but I didn’t. She could say whatever she wanted at any point of the day and I couldn’t. And all this for the last 13 years. I’d decided to ignore her but she continued Viber’ing me. I decided to take matters to the higher court – our group.

With a lecture in my kitty and 4 applications to be ‘successfully’ made I did not want to be screwed that day. But there comes a time in my life every year when I am in deep s#!t and she pushes me into a deeper one. That moment of the year had arrived for me. I declared in our whatsapp group that I wasn’t going to talk to her or reply to her messages. And one of us typed the golden words –

“I was wondering if it is that easy to let go off people! Will you guys leave me too if I start throwing tantrums?”

I suddenly felt guilty about it and felt I shouldn’t take such rude steps. I wasn’t sure if I was letting go off my friendship with her but I realized that was how everyone was going to look at it. It was weird for me since I never let go off people in life. I have held on to her, our friendship for a fairly long time but time and again I have regretted my decision of holding on to her. Some people are purely high maintenance and I have realized I don’t have time for that. I am either too full of myself or have lost all my patience to maintain relationships…especially from across the globe. I’ve realized that some people are just not good for you or for your peace of mind. What do you do then? If it is a family member…well…you cannot really do anything about it. But if it is someone you can stay away from I think you should. Not all relationships can be maintained and not relationships are supposed to be.

I know not many shall agree to this but I refuse to feel frustrated and irritated once/twice every year. I refuse to fracture my thumb replying to long messages. I refuse to be vulnerable to a *friend* who hurts me all the time. I refuse to feel cold around someone. Not all relationships are easy-going but if they aren’t they aren’t meant to be. I have struggled with one for 13 years but not anymore. I just lack the patience for that.

I think it is easy to let go off people especially now when you have no time to keep the relationships going. Sometimes you can maintain 3 relationships instead of maintaining a high-maintenance one. It is not recommended but that is all you can do to spare yourself from being attacked again.

P.S: I still love her and wish her the best.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 3 - Expectations strike again!

Love/Like/Friendship à Expectations à Frustration and Pain à Mind f***d.

Life feels so scary and apprehensive at times. I feel bound to a set of ‘Things to do’ these days. I have realized that a diary can help me out greatly. But I cannot write my emotional to-do in a calendar, can I?

I’ve thought time and again about the part of my life which has been sabotaged by expectations. I have a really unfortunate habit of expecting great deals out of people, especially the ones I like. Naturally, it is not wrong to expect a little out of people. But there is a very thin line between the two – little expectations and going overboard. And then the definition of ‘thin’ differs from people to people. ‘Fat is the new thin’ for me but for some ‘thin ceases to exist’.

Priorities kill Expectations. I failed to understand the relation earlier. Now I do. ‘Priority’ is the new excuse in town. ‘I did not do this because I had a different priority’ suddenly made super sense to me when I heard the usage a couple of times over a couple of days. I wonder if ‘friends/relatives/spouse/crushes’ fit in ‘priority’ or is it strictly ‘personal’? I guess priorities are influenced by personal choices. Suddenly a thing that would have been the last thing you would do on earth becomes a priority to avoid an expectation. Can happen! Happened to me!

Anyway, expectation is a curse for sure…the curse that has made me the Queen of Mood Swings. I’ve finally decided not to expect anything or at least to lessen expectations from life. I should realize life is not here to serve me whatever I want in a platter. That is one thing life never does. I have learnt this the hard way…still learning…

Mood: Disappointed and Sad.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 2 - Back Back Back!

It was a perfectly beautiful day and I was having a not so perfect time… career counseling myself. I was trying not to look into my phone for any Whatsapps that could help kill a few minutes from the most important seminar of my life. My phone vibrated unnaturally and so I looked into it. It was already unlocked and the messenger was open. Never knew what my palms could do without thinking. It was him…

I was pretty amused that my deeply hidden messenger opened automatically and the window was his...all this in the most important hour of my day. The messages suddenly felt good. I realized I was sort of yearning to talk to him for a while.

We ended up on a bad note for me and a good one for him. It was neither a relationship nor friendship. I realized I looked up to him. I was naïve and was looking for someone to show me the right path…and he did. You don’t need to be in a relationship to learn things from someone…in fact you don’t even need to be friends with someone. People who are meant to come into your life just walk in and out of your life at the right time. He was one of those.

There is always one guy in everyone’s life who they want to go back to…not literally…not even virtually...neither temporarily nor permanently…just for some time. This guy is always there when you need help, advice, support and anything else that you need. That is not his full time job but maybe he doesn't mind it. He is sort of….your career counselor…who takes care of your emotions, problems and everything else when you are in deep shit. Maybe a Life Mentor! He is the answer to all the questions and solution to all doubts. You don’t need to talk to him all the time…just at the time of need is enough. This low maintenance relationship (I don’t know what to call it) sustains on absolute no-talks. A simple ‘Hi’ from someone is re-assuring and sometimes even a long talk with someone feels fake. There is a certain comfort and re-assurance in a ‘Hi. I am busy.’ It’s funny how some people touch your life so much and so beautifully in a very little time.

I don’t know what such relationships are called. It’s definitely not love. Whatever, it is… feels good.

Sleepless in Seattle - Part 1 - Of faith and hope...

 

So I arrive in this beautiful city…flying from over Dubai, Baghdad, Greenland and what not…half-drunk (partly to recover the flight ticket and partly following orders). The immigration, customs, wifi was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The jet-lag asked too much of me. And so did my phone connection. I started my house-hunt right from the 1^st day of the week. Struggled all the way along. Walked like never before…saw unusual things…tried hard to do away my thoughts of going back.

There comes a day in everyone’s life when he/she wants to go back to the pavilion. That day came into my life right in the 1^st week of my Seattle Life. I had no house, no job, no money… nothing at all. I cribbed about it to a friend…and he helped just his few words. It’s like someone is always there to watch your back. We just need to have faith. And when you lose faith God makes sure that faith is reaffirmed. We all need something to keep us going. One quote, one man, one friend, one thought, one situation… just one thing. And then the dwindling thoughts are just a passé.

Fortunately, the thought of going back has never entered ever since.*touchwood* But I suddenly have full faith in faith. Faith…hope...belief…whatever you call it… that is what keeps the life going. J

Life’s good.

You can find the reasons for my re-affirmed faith below. J

Where do you want to be?

It was a rainy day and I was enjoying nothing with my estranged best friend. All I wanted to do was run away and tell her that the vibe was too cold to be warmed up again. But I didn’t want to hurt her and I decided to stay back. As I was engrossed in my thoughts I heard her saying, “I have everything in my life now and I don’t want to lose anything.” I am Sorry.. did she say EVERYTHING? This meant she knew where she wanted to be in her life and she was exactly at that place. That seemed like a remote possibility for a girl my age.

I knew she has a boyfriend and a job (don’t know how much it pays though). But really… is it possible for anyone to have everything and be happy? And how does one know that he/she is content? Have human beings stopped being greedy? I left being totally dissatisfied with my life and shocked about her being satisfied with hers.

Then I realized I would not be satisfied in the near future because I didn't know what I wanted out of life. And she did! One can never be satisfied unless one knows what he/she wants. That’s our problem. We seldom know what we want and when we do we are not sure if we want that. And when we get what we wanted we suddenly realize that we no longer wanted that. And if someone else gets what we wanted we want to have what he/she wanted. The series of ‘wants’ is confusing but this is what happens in life.

Well, it is true. We don’t know what we want in life. Most of us just believe in going with the flow. Take up Science after tenth, go to Engineering, and take up a job….and whatever. But is that what we really want? A good career? A good spouse? A better job? I think all of our life is spent living the fear of our in the flow goal. A lot of us can never really decide about what we really want in our lives. I am obviously one of them.

Maybe this is what all of us should do… For a moment we must all forget about our current careers and jobs and think about what we really want to do 5 years down the line and work towards it. Where do you see yourself? Do you see yourself skiing in Switzerland or clicking wildlife in Africa or writing a romantic novel or settled down with that friend of yours you never thought you’ll marry? What do you see yourself doing?

Maybe life isn't that complicated as we think it is. Maybe life is simple if we try and figure out. We have to realize that ‘making a living’ and ‘living life’ are two different things and focus on being successful according to ourselves rather than being successful according to others.

P.S: Totally feeling like a spiritual Guru today.

Is Monogamy too much to ask for?

It was late evening and I was surfing the idiot box. Suddenly I saw this all new talk show hosted by someone from the film industry. The guest was one of the famous soap movie directors. The movie director spoke about everything other than his movies and for the first time made sense to me. I was stumped with what he ended his talk with. It went something like this…

“Everybody cheats. Everybody who gets an opportunity cheats. Of course, you can expect people from remote parts of the country like from Leh and Ladakh to be faithful because they don’t meet anybody. But here, where people meet interesting people all the time, infidelity exists rampantly.”

I’ve been watching SATC lately and hence I know…in some part of the world monogamy rarely exists but still something like this in a country like ours took me by surprise. Then I decided to open my eyes a little wider.

My mom started talking to me about a not-so-comfortable-topic ‘Relationships’. Then I asked her about a family-friend of ours about whom she thought I had forgotten. Apparently the latest developments were devastating. The Mr. and Mrs. were married for 28 years…. And… there was another Mrs. for the past 25 years about whom the Mrs. No 1 was not aware of. The Mrs. No. 1 would not have learnt about the relationship ever if not for constant phone calls on their recent foreign trip.

When I look around I see infidelity at our age all the time - people two-timing people, one-night stands, casual relationships (the new trend) and what not. I wonder where all this is taking us in terms of the faithfulness part. Will Monogamy slowly disappear? Is it wrong for you to ask your partner not to look out for pleasure from other sources? Where would such couples stand in terms of trust, security, faithfulness and dedication on a scale of 1 to 10?

The opportunities in today’s world are great. We meet new and awesome people all the time; more awesome than the ones waiting for us at home for dinner. But it’s all in the moment. The bigger picture has to be looked after. There might be moments with someone new all the time but we have to know what the bigger picture requires us to do and if the new fling fits in it. Some say cheating partners make better husbands/father because of the guilt pangs. But it tosses trust, faithfulness and everything else in the dustbin. Some people cheat just for the rush of it but according to me there is more rush in togetherness and the emotional bonding that you have with your spouse. Sometimes emptiness, unhappiness, insecurity and loneliness makes a person enter into another relationship. In this case it is best to talk to your partner about your feelings.

Maybe emotional availability is what is required to make a relationship stronger. Also, we should make sure that the level of attention which we give our partners should not lessen. It’s difficult taken our careers and busy schedules but I suppose this is what it takes to be *together*. I hope monogamy survives this difficult phase because I want it to exist by the time my imaginary ring becomes a real one. 

The Un-Marry-able ones…

It was a rainy day and I was yearning to pee. I used to go to this yoga class where I never thought I would meet someone so E X O T I C. Agree or not there was something super exotic about this guy I met… Err.. in the bathroom. I peed first and he was next. Obviously, I couldn’t see him in his eye while I walked out. As he shut the door I realized I had forgotten my phone near the wash-basin (nothing disgusting about it. The wash basin was its cleanest self). I knocked. He obliged.

“I am Sorry but I kept my phone in the bathroom. Can you please pass it on to me?” A very wrong question to be asked to a guy who is busy peeing I tell you.

“Maybe you can take it later.” He said with an accent. And the heart races!

If I were who I am in my head I would have taken this opportunity and noted down his number right away! But some imaginary ring in my finger stopped me.

As so-not-expected the guy initiated a conversation the next day. I obliged. I had to. He is too extraordinary to be ignored. So here I was…talking to an International Desi. A desi becomes exotic the moment he steps on a foreign soil. Somehow the looks, the gait, the accent, the gestures, the smile, the laugh….every damn thing about a guy changes the moment he lands overseas. I had to steer him clear of any dating possibility and his disappointment was evident.

It was another rainy afternoon when he was talking to our yoga teacher about marriage. Apparently, the oh-it’s-so-difficult-to-keep-my-hands-off-you desi guy was in his early thirties and still in search of ‘true love’ and a ‘good girl’. He seemed to just walk out of some bollywood movie to me. Maybe he should stop watching those. The truth of life is that it is wayyy to difficult to find ‘true love’ and open your eyes dude!! Good girls are everywhere!

I interrupted “And why won’t you find a good girl?” (I wanted to propose my candidature but damn you Imaginary ring!)

“Umm.. I don’t know! Girls today are too ambitious and independent.” he said. I was shocked to hear that from a global desi who must’ve seen volumes of go-getting women abroad. If he thought that I wonder what desi men think!

“So? You can marry an independent girl. Can’t you?” I retaliated.

And then it dawned upon me…the truth of unmarried men! The ambition, the independence, the goals, the career…everything is turning the girls of this age un-marry-able.

I went through all the texts on our all-career-girls whatsapp group (the closest gang I have). We just spoke about the freedom, independence, career, goals, life….that’s it! No guy talks… EVER! Yes, we are independent, career-oriented, ambitious, free-bird. We are shrewd, smart, wise, beautiful. We are women! I don’t see a problem with that!

Men complain women won’t leave their careers to build up a family. Well, we do adjust but surely cannot leave our careers. Well, here is a question…WILL YOU? It is not wrong to be ambitious about ones career, right? If men can be ambitious so can women be! I feel it is completely wrong on a man’s part to expect his partner to take care of the household. Equal opportunities. Equal duties. Equal responsibilities. (I do not say Women are Equal to Men. We are definitely superior.)

Anyway, all of a sudden I found the women categorized into 2 groups – The marriage material and the unmarriageable ones. Unfortunately, all the women running behind their careers fall in the second category and hence they are sort of…unreachable (I think it is unattainable really).

I have no clue why men would have a problem marrying ambitious women. Whether it goes against their male ego or if they feel threatened and intimidated by the presence of the independent ladies. All I want to say is…this is going to be the rule now - Equality of responsibilities. Anyway the ‘marriage material’ ladies already have their face book walls full of the Wedding pictures but the un-marry-able ones are ruling the world! ;)